.

HOLLYWOOD EXES

The Exes (L-R): Jessica Canseco, Mayte Garcia, Nicole Murphy, Andrea Kelly, and Sheree Fletcher

Andrea Kelly's booty

She has a nice ass, though!

On the season premiere of Hollywood Exes, we are first introduced to Andrea Kelly. She was married to R & B singer, and hebephile, R Kelly for 10 years. They have three children together and have been divorced for three years.. For some reason, they think that we want to see her swinging around a stripper pole, and that is one of the first images we are greeted with. She and R Kelly met because she was his principle dancer and they grew closer and fell in love. Awwww! Although being marred to Robert Kelly brought its fair share of glitz and glam, most of the public did not realize he was married (I know I didn’t know) and she felt like she wasn’t getting her just do. Their relationship, as it stands right now, is nonexistent. She is moving to LA to film this show start over and she is hoping to open a dance studio there.  Tony is her friend, confidante and assistant of four years and she does not know what she would do without him. Her children are going to stay in Chicago for now, because they are in school and she wants to be settled in LA before she uproots them. Ugh, she’s doing that ugly face cry thing (with little to no tears) that reality starlets think they have to do a half a dozen times per season. Please stop! That shit is tremendously annoying. When I see people fake-cry, it automatically makes me not like them and think that they are 100% disingenuous. Anyway, she is just so thrilled to be moving to LA because her “good friend” of 2 to 3 years, Nicole Murphy lives there.  Nicole Murphy

Speaking of Nicole Murphy, it is time to head on out to Los Angeles to meet her. As we all know, she was married to Eddie Murphy for 12 ½ years. The couple has five kids together and they have been divorced for about six years. She goes through the perks of being married to Eddie Murphy; the 40,000 square foot home, the private jet and having Johnny Gill take her man away the option of driving any high priced vehicle she desired. She then goes on to lament about how difficult it was for her to go from that to having to ride on airplanes with plebs and not having a chef anymore. She does this whilst traipsing around a home most of us would give our best friend’s right nut to have. Yea, I don’t feel bad for you, boo. She’s currently engaged to Michael Strahan, an ex-NFLer who is now filling gigs as a Jerome Bettis impersonator a commentator for FOX Sunday Football. Nicole is also working on several business ventures; something as unique (and not at all overdone) as a fashion line. She’s not a cliché at all.

Next up is Sheree Fletcher. She was married to Will Smith for three years, you know waaay back in the day before he became Will Smith? They share a 19-year-old son, which means child support ran out a year ago; hence, her doing this show. (I kid, I kid)  She and Will met during a taping of “A Different World,” and they were married within eight months. I’m surprised that didn’t last! She, now, develops her own line of skincare products, and she is married to Pastor, and ex-football player, Terrell Fletcher. The couple only see each other a few times a week because her husband’s “assignment” is to preach in San Diego. Why can’t she move there?

Nicole decides to take Sheree to a store to look at jewelry priced at hundreds of thousands of dollars, knowing that neither of them are actually going to purchase them. Sheree says that she and Nicole have known each other for about 17 years because their exes knew each other back in the day. I don’t understand the lady with the green hair, who is standing behind the counter. I guess once you’ve made it as jewelry designer to the stars, you can wear any color hair you want.

Mayte Garcia was married to Prince for four years, twelve years ago. She and Prince met when she was 16 years old, once she graduated from high school, she joined the band as a dancer.  She said, “I thought I was getting married for the rest of my life, and it didn’t.” Mensa Model alert. Her mother lives with her, kind of. She stays in the guesthouse out back. She’s an animal hoarder with five dogs, two cats, two fishes, five birds, plus two extra dogs out back. (So, you mean you have seven dogs?) She claims to be an actress and that she has been on many TV shows. (Which ones?) Now, she is looking to be in movies and, apparently, being on a reality TV show is the answer. (Hey, it worked to get Nene Leakes on Glee. ::shrugs:: Maybe Mayte, too, can play a stereotype.) She has her house and animals, now she just needs a man to share it with. She may want to start with getting rid of some of those damn animals and getting her mom an apartment off property.

Jessica Canseco, Hollywood ExesWe meet Jessica Canseco, ex-wife of Jose Canseco, and the only part of her face that moves is her mouth. Somewhat distracting. Anywho, she met Jose when she was 19 years old while she was a waitress at some dive in Cleveland. The two had a “whirlwind romance.” They were married for four years, and have been divorced for eleven. They have a fifteen-year-old daughter together, Josie. We see her in the car with her daughter, joking about her boobs hurting as her daughter slams her fingers into one of her tits. She says that their relationship is more that of a buddy/friend, which is probably not a good thing. She owns a cosmetic line and a tattoo business. The last thing she wants right now is a Jessica Canseco, Hollywod Exes, Daughter, Boobsrelationship. She also proves that she is usually the “fun one” in the group as she flashes her cooch at a room full of people. Mayte and Jessica meet up to talk about their famous exes and channel Shania Twain’s, “That Don’t Impress Me Much,” when they state that men, in the same field as their exes, can never live up to them. Mayte especially has a point. Steroids is all a baseball player needs to get to Jose Canseco status. JUST SAYING.

Apparently, there are no 8 lane freeways in Chicago, and Andrea Kelly has never seen a freeway with that many lanes. It is sort of stressing her out. She and her assistant are driving along, somewhere near Santa Monica, discussing whether that area would be good for her dance studio. People are honking their horns at them, because Andrea is driving like an old lady. She has decided that she will get a driver, because driving is just so hard! “Where is my Xanax?”

Jessica Canseco, Vaginal rejuvenation, hollywood exesJessica and Nicole get together for a vaginal rejuvenation session. Jessica says that the procedure is great because it makes everything the same color, and makes “it” look like a 12-year-old’s. “You can’t hide your age with your vagina,” she says.  Nicole is all up in her vag, and she is impressed with how well lasering a snatch works. She says something about the flap plumping up, etc. She is surprised when Jessica flips over to get her asshole done. “Why would anyone need to get THAT done? No one is looking at that!” I guess we finally know why she and Eddie Murphy didn’t work out. Yup, that was loads of shade. You know, in case you missed it. No sex for a week, but it didn’t seem to hurt much.

Jessica: “You wanna go to lunch?”

Nicole: “Yea, like, I have no appetite now. How about a drink?”

Mayte Garcia, Hollywood ExesMayte hires a matchmaker to come to her home to help her find a man. (Apparently, this is going to be her storyline) The matchmaker wants to get a sense of the type of men she has dated in the past. This, of course, is the perfect segue to her letting the matchmaker know that she was once married to Prince. She went from Prince to Tommy Lee, who she was with for two years. They broke up, according to her, because he wasn’t sure if he wanted more kids. The matchmaker wants to know if she feels that, because she has been with a couple of really famous men, it defines her as a dater. ::raises hand in seat and hops up and down:: “OOO, OOO, I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS ONE! PICK ME! PICK ME!!” Of course, Mayte says, “No, not at all.” I have a feeling that she wears the status of “Ex-wife to Prince” like a badge of honor, and she throws it into the face of any guy who ever dates her. I could be wrong, however, it’s just a sense that I get!Nicole Murphy, Hollywood Exes

Nicole and Sheree met with one another for lunch and it’s clear that they both just left the tanning salon as they are 4 shades darker than normal. It’s all good, brown skin is gorgeous, it just looks very unnatural to me.  Anyway, Nicole has something super duper heavy to share with Sheree.  (It’s Nicole’s turn to cry.) Nicole’s money was stolen from one of her trust accounts, and now she is suing. It was her savings and the money to grown her businesses. When you are rich, you have to stay on top of what is going on with your money, because people WILL take advantage.  All Sheree can do is sit there and shake her head in feigned concern.

Andrea gets a call from Nicole to invite her to dinner so that she can introduce her to everyone; of course, Andrea says yes.

Jose Canseco and Jessica get together to discuss moving in together. They both can date whomever they want, but their daughter will have both of their parents under the same roof if they do this. I think he just wants to be on the show. I mean, what else does he have going for him these days? He is trying to get back into baseball, but no one is trying to hear that. What did he expect after he wrote that book? Seriously? When you start to call people out for doping, you have to expect an ice cold shoulder. Anyway, Jessica is like “No way Jose!” I couldn’t resist. She is “shocked” by this proposal, but she wants to know who is paying all the bills. He hasn’t paid child support in seven years, so it is funny that he actually tries to suggest that she cover the bills since he covered them all when they were married. Child, please. At any rate, he wants her answer ASAP.

Hollywood ExesNicole has planned a party to welcome Andrea to the city and introduce her to the rest of the women. As Nicole and the other women are sitting around, waiting for Andrea, she says that she didn’t know that R Kelly was married, and all the women co-sign that shit. Seriously, who knew? We hear a bunch of gushes of, “Oh my goodness,” and “Oh my God!” as Andrea walks in. Why? I doesn’t know. After introductions are out of the way, and the food is brought out, Sheree chastises the women about digging into their food before praying. So, they pray. I sense a bit of bible thumping in our future.

Sheree wants to know what R Kelly thought about Andrea moving out to LA. She says there was no reaction. I guess he doesn’t care if his kids are hundreds of miles away? She wants to know when it gets to the “good part,” after a divorce. Sheree says you have to forgive and they just generally reassure her that it will get better. Drink and focus on the kids. That’s the solution. They discuss their men cheating on them, and how difficult it is with women throwing their pussies at them 24/7. Sheree says that she lost herself with being married to someone famous. Jessica shares with the women that Jose wants to move in with her and the women just think that that is a hoot. They suggest that she does not do it, but she is seriously considering it. “We must have been some bad mamma jamma’s to pull these mens!” says, Sheree, though, not verbatim.

Hollywood Exes PremiereIt’s time for the “partying” portion of the evening.  I can tell that Andrea’s friend is going to be messy. He just seems like the type. His comment about not liking “such and such’s” dress, on whomever he was talking about, just came across as snarky to me. 15 years ago, Sheree woke up with a tattoo on her butt, behind some tequila drinking, so she is going to pass on the shots. Nicole comments on all of the leering that Jose is doing as Jessica is on the dance floor and surmises that he must still be in love with her. To me, he just looks creepy.

All in all, this was just a basic introduction episode, where the public can get to know who the heck these women are, and who they were married to. I will say that they all were married to people who were pretty big in their fields at some point, and some still are. It’s not like with Basketball Wives, where I haven’t even heard of ANY of the men outside of Antoine Davis, Dwight Howard and Shaquille O’Neal. And, all of these women were actually married to their exes at some point. Not just some jump offs or side pieces that never had a chance in hell of getting a ring, let alone walking down the aisle.

The previews look like they may have some dustups, mostly involving Jessica. Jessica is a wild child, and it is no surprise that she and the preacher’s wife are butting heads. Jessica also gets into it with Mayte, when she calls her crazy. All I got to say about that is, if you don’t want people to think you are crazy, you probably shouldn’t overreact and start breaking glasses. I’m just saying.

Hollywood Exes premieres June 27th at 10pm on VH1. If you want to watch this episode prior to then, check out VH1.com.

Well, that’s it for this review. If you like what you’ve read here, be sure to follow my blog, follow me on Twitter (@DeAnnaMisrahi) and share it with the people you know! Ciao!

 

Advertisements

Comments on: "Series Premiere – Hollywood Exes, Season 1 Episode 1 Review" (2)

  1. realityshowhore said:

    Loved your recap. Damn funny! I also enjoyed the show. I’m a reality show whore. I hope there gets to be more drama between the woman, but not too much violence against each other. That I am not a fan of (ie; Basketball wives).

    • demonicvixen said:

      Exactly! I am not into that whole violence thing. Don’t we learn at 2 to use our words? lol. Thanks for commenting and I am glad that you liked it!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: