Posts tagged ‘Alexis’

Real Housewives of Orange County, Season 7 Episode 17: Monkey Business Review/Recap

This recap is for Season 7, Episode 17 of Real Housewives of Orange County.

After recapping the end of last week’s episode, where the ladies staged a failed narcissism/pretentiousism/fakism intervention on Alexis, we pick up this week’s episode with Alexis, still at the table, wiping away tears as she states that she never talks badly about Tamra, to anyone, and that Terry tells her about the things that Tamra says behind her back. (I admit, I’m kind of lost here. When did Terry –I finally realize that that is Dr. Dubrow’s first name– and Alexis become BFF’s? It seems to me that the men on these shows are becoming as messy as the women are.) Alexis makes me LOL when she asks if Tamra thinks she is somehow “real” because she has had her implants removed. She didn’t ask her this to her face, mind you, but it is funny nonetheless. Vicki says something awfully introspective, for her, and states that they should leave Alexis alone because they are all phony and superficial to a degree. Bravo, Vicki!

It is immensely upsetting to Alexis that Gretchen is not just blindly coming out in her defense.  I understand it being difficult to accept what is being said, in that moment, when you feel as if you are under attack; but do you really hold a grudge against someone who is honestly expressing how they feel? Gretchen’s suggestion to the women is that they tell Alexis, up front, when she says something that puts them off. While that may be the most mature way to deal with it, I have a feeling that if they did that, they would be interrupting her every other sentence.

Eventually, Alexis has enough and excuses herself from the table, and goes back to her room, at which point the women commence to patting themselves on the back for a job well done. It pains me to say, Vicki is right, once again, when she says that they are not going to change who they are and that they should just accept each other. I think she should have added, “or don’t,” because that really is an option.  Maybe they are forced to be acquaintances for the sake of the show, but perhaps behind the scenes, that should be spelled out so that there are no surprises. But, then again, would that make for good TV?

After the women comfort Gretchen, and ensures her that she has been a great friend, she gets the strength to go after Alexis. She is dismayed when Alexis won’t let her into her room for round 2, or 3, or whatever it is at this point. “This is too hard on me!” Gretchen says. “What about me?” Alexis wonders? Alas, since Alexis is not up to speaking with Gretchen, Gretchen flees back to the women, and they comfort her some more.

At least what they are being fed looks yummilicious.

Alexis’s new BFF, Vicki takes her her lobster and talks Alexis into letting her stay and speak with her. After all, they have something in common! Tamra and the gals have justifiably gained up on her in the past! Vicki goes on to say, in confessional, what many people say anytime you have something negative to say about someone who is attractive, “they are jealous because she’s hawt!” Seriously? Is that what she is taking away from all of this? Maybe Vicki is jealous, actually, I am sure Vickis jealous, but all of the other women are very attractive in their own right. And, even if they were not, just because you criticize someone who is attractive, it doesn’t mean that you are doing it because you are jealous of their looks. Do I have to say it? Being attractive does not make one infallible. It does seem to give them a “Get out of jail free” card with many, however.

Alexis followed through on her word to leave early, but before she stages her Escape from Paradise, Heather drops by to see her. Alexis is short with her and Heather tells her that she hated to see her upset and bla bla bla and some more stuff. Alexis also goes to the beach, making sure to thank Vicki, in front of Gretchen, on the ride over. While having glasses of “champs,” a raccoon happens upon the women and Gretchen and Alexis find a moment to have a chat off to the side. Gretchen explains how hurt she was that Alexis allowed Vicki in, but would not allow her in. Alexis says that Vicki barged in, and she really had no choice, and then goes on to criticize Gretchen for making the conversation all about her, but says nothing about Vicki doing the same thing. Then, Alexis leaves.

Gretchen is still whining about Alexis not letting her, but letting Vicki, in; but this she’s whining to Vicki and the other women. In confessional, Vicki is bragging over “succeeding” over Gretchen, in regards to Alexis, as if she won some kind of prize. Good grief. Sometimes I feel as if Vicki is one of those people who always wanted to be part of the “popular crowd,” and sat by being envious and spiteful of them because she wasn’t a part of their awesome clique, but the moment one of those popular people paid her any attention, she felt like she was worth a billion bucks. Seriously, I’m over it.

For some reason, Gretechen and Tamra decide to run around molesting Vicki and Heather, the two most uptight women of the bunch. Vicki flees because she must protect her “pink parts” (is anyone else gagging?) And Heather is given a lap dance by Tamra and Gretchen before the two start to rub bums; and Tamra flashes Gretchen her boobies. A squirrel? monkey figures that this must be where the party is, and tries to join in on the fun. Unfortunately, all of the weird screams from the women are unlike any mating call he has ever heard, so he is a bit unsure. Free bananas won him over.

Time to plant trees! The Stinking Toe tree reminds Tamra of Eddie, so she selects that one to plant for him. Heather picks a tree with four leaves, because she has four kids. Vicki wants the tree with the heartiest soul. ::rollseyes:: Vicki asks if they should plant one for Alexis. ::rollseyesharder:: Hey, it’s good for the environment! Vicki is just way too sentimental about this whole thing. She calls it romantic, but then she takes a much darker turn when she mentions that one day, one of them is going to die and it is going to be, like, sad. Is it menopause? She then destroys Alexis’s tree. Fitting.

The at the break outtake is of Tamra joking about Vicki sleeping with Slade. I gag again.

The women decide to go white water rafting. They discuss how nervous they are on the way and freak out when they see the river. Not sure what they thought white water rafting looked like. “If it rains in the boat, will we sink?” Heather wants to know. The prospect of not properly wedging their feet in the boat, to prevent falling out, and the fact that piranhas live in the water, does not deter the women from their goal. They are a’going white water rafting! After they figure out who is getting in the boat first. A bunch of screaming, mostly by Vicki, ensues. It was fun for all! Wait. Is Vicki really crying? Bitch.Stop

Heather is the second one to leave. Wait a minute… I thought she was able to stay the entire trip? You know… because her husband is like, so awesome with handling the kids while she is away. Of course, it’s hard to really tell the order and time these scenes are filmed.

After rafting, I presume since all of their hair is still wet, the three remaining OCers go for beer and food. Vicki is irritated as hell that Gretchen and Tamra are both wearing pink and Tamra squeezes one of Vicki’s tits to calm her down. What is going on? Does going on a trip somehow mean GIRLS GONE WILD! Vicki doesn’t have on a bra, so she asks Tamra to stop.  Somehow we (Vicki) start talking about Donn. She says he is going to be sad without her. Personally, I that think Don is going to be fine. Isn’t he the one going to sex clubs? Vicki says that she would go back, if Donn wanted her. I know that makes Brooks feels, like, all kinds of awesome. She backpedals a bit on that comment, perhaps thinking about Brooks a second or two too late. She then talks about her next source of pain – Brianna and her elopement. You know, more, woe is me stuff.

All in all, this week’s episode ends relatively drama-free.

Next week’s sneak peek takes us back to the OC and the episode starts off with Vicki and Brooks at the dentist. Vicki is getting him some new teeths! Well, I am sure he is paying for it. Right… Vicki is literally all up in Brooks grill, pointing out all of the things she would like to see fixed.

Sneak Peek 2 is of Tamra and Eddie at dinner. Tamra is filling Eddie in on the trip to Costa Rica and Eddie surprises her with a trip he has planned Tahiti. (Yes. I am having Basketball Wives flashbacks.) Tamra feels like Eddie has something up his sleeve and I am sure if she is right, she’ll do a great job of pretending to be surprised.

Sneak Peek 3 is of Alexis, desperately trying to recover from the mental and verbal beat down she suffered on her 1.5 day trip to Costa Rica. The show must go on, however, and she has to put on a brave face for her Fox 5 segments. This woman would truly buckle under the stress of any REAL problems. I will say that it looks as if Alexis Is getting better at this whole “on camera” thing. I will still have fun with my Alexis Bellino, True Journalist Series, however!

Well, that is it for this recap of the Real Housewives of Orange County. If you like what you’ve read, please follow my blog and share it with your friends. Peace!


Real Housewives of Orange County: Season 7, Episode 16 Review

(Beware: foul language below. Enter at your own risk!)

We start this episode of the RHOC with a flashback to last week’s episode where Tamra is telling Alexis that Dr. Dubrow was all like, “Alexis is the fakest chick EVAR, and I should know because I’m a plastic surgeon!” During dinner with the Dubrows, Tamra owns up to her exaggeration to prepare them for the eventual backlash. And, we all know Alexis. It will be vicious blowback, for sure! I will give Tamra credit for not trying to hide what she did, and although Heather isn’t pleased, she isn’t terribly upset, either.

Now, on to Costa Rica! But first…

Hint: This is not Mexico

We are treated to Alexis packing for her trip to Costa Rica. Which she says is in Mexico. I don’t know where YOU are going, but Costa Rica is in Central America, dear Alexis. I do hope she makes it. (Check out my spoof on Alexis’s attempt at covering “hard hitting” news here.)  Alexis informs her helper that she is worried about not having enough help, for her hubby, because they do not have a full time nanny to step in while she is away. She is also worried about Vicki making the trip – you know, the trip that Vicki planned and organized? – But, in the end, she says it’s okay because she is going to have a good time no matter what. Someone must have shown her a brochure on Central America, because she makes mention of monkeys and the rainforest to show that she knows the lay of the land.

It’s Heather’s turn to pack, and she and her helper are having an equally as genuine and authentic conversation as the one we just witnessed with Alexis and her helper.  They are discussing what she thinks they will be doing on their trip. Heather just hopes that everyone will be on her best behavior. Hubby walks in with their adorable baby and starts to toss her in the air.

Now we are on to Gretchen and her helper – er um, Slade. Slade is being oh so helpful looking up a Costa Rica packing list for Gretchie-Poo. Gretchen is getting stressed out by him telling her to pack what she clearly doesn’t have; stop doing that Slade! Slade is mad that she’s not appreciating his super duper helper assistanting skills. Gretchen snaps at him and Slade pouts. Apparently, the therapy session from last episode is the cause of the faux tension, and time apart will help heal the… it.

Sidebar: It sure is nice of Gretchen to pretend that she is upset with Slade for not handling the whole child support thing; after three years. I am sure it made the mother of Slade’s children feel better about not receiving any back child support, even though Gretchen could “catch him up” if she was not so worried about his manhood. Yes. It was hard to type that last sentence with a straight face. I will say that I agree with Slade that it is difficult to make money while being someone’s lapdog. It seems that his pay comes by way of being fortunate enough to be Gretchen’s lapdog, and I don’t know how she thinks he will be able to make money to pay child support without neglecting those lapdogging duties.

Now we are on to the airport. It’s 4 am and Alexis is in full hair and makeup. Heather looks a tad bit more practical. Eventually, Tamra, Gretchen, and Vicki arrive for their 11 hour trip to Costa Rica, by way of Miami and 3 hour ride to a resort. Alexis didn’t like all that hard work and complains about it in the confessional. She’s just lucky that she wasn’t the one mapping out the trip. Or they would be in Mexico.

After watching Vicki struggle to navigate the stairs in heels – who travels in heels? – we watch ladies start the trip off right with welcome cocktails and dinner. The gals look up and realize that Vicki is no longer around. Like… Where’d she go?

Tamra suggests that she is likely on the phone with Brooks. We see a flashback of Vicki scowling at Alexis as she spoke with Jim while they were one of their other trips. Vicki chastises her for having to speak to Jim every moment, or everyday or something. Of course, we never actually see Vicki on the phone with Brooks, but it is a solid educated guess.

Eventually Vicki joins the women, stating that she had a lot of “work” to do, which is an odd way to describe unpacking your bags. Vicki has just gotten so use to using work as an excuse for not attending events, or otherwise hanging out with the crew, that that response is just on auto-reply.

The women get on the topic of Alexis’s faux jewelry. Heather points out the ridiculousness of Alexis’ss whole, “I keep my real jewelry in a safe, and wear these fake ones so that the real ones are protected from theft,” logic once again. Anyway, who accuses Alexis of being smart – ever? This sounds like some story that Jim concocted as cover for her lack of real jewels. Maybe in Orange County the thieves can tell the difference between CZ and Diamonds at the drop of a dime. Who knows?

Alexis breaks it to everyone that she is leaving in two days because she has youngins to tend to.  Heather points out that she has one more child than Alexis, and no nannies but her husband is so much more superior than hers and that’s why he can handle the kids without her for the entire duration of the trip.

Sidebar: Seriously, who believes that Heather has no nannies? Anyone? I have a feeling that she has people she call “babysitters” or, perhaps even an “au pair,” which wouldn’t count because it isn’t a “nanny” per se, in that they are totally different words and all. I just don’t buy that she has no help whatsoever with her children; or that Dr. DuBrow is taking off several days from work just so she can have a silly vacation.

Suddenly all hell breaks loose and Vicki starts to babble incoherently, at least to MY ears, about something to do with kids, before whining about her baby being married. Then she said, “Penis.” Yup. I’m lost.

The next morning the women meet for breakfast. Alexis is dressed like the Crocodile Huntress and is explaining egg whites to the natives. Then they eat.

The women are scheduled for zip lining, and on the bus ride there, Camp Counselor Vicki tries to get everyone to play the alphabet game. She is acting very strange, for Vicki, and saying potty words like anus and penis. I am confused. The alphabet game proves too advanced for women who are armed with canteens of booze, and it never quite takes off.

When they reach their destination, they are introduced to their zip line instructor, and I watch far too much Diego with my nephews, because all I can think is, “Go Diego Go,” when their zip line instructor says his name is Diego. Somehow, he ends up braiding Alexis’s hair and I don’t know why.

Alexis is first up for the zip line, or at least the first person I recall seeing. Her litany of lies once again, confuses Heather! See, apparently, at some point, Alexis told Heather that she had been zip lining before, and that it wasn’t a big deal. So, why are you so terrified now, woman? Eventually the women suggest that perhaps Alexis just should be pushed. Once I saw how far they were zip lining, I thought it was somewhat pathetic, really. The distance between my bedroom door and my bathroom is as far… OK, maybe I exaggerate, but it SEEMED as if it was that close.

Eventually Alexis zips along, and we see everyone take their turns. Some do little tricks; going upside down, with their legs this way, and that way, etc, etc. It was fun for all! (Except the viewers, really…)

So, as they are all standing around, they somehow got on the subject of who Vicki was going to marry – some guy named Bob Tomato. Instead, she married someone with a better ass. She says that she was 20 at the time. This causes Tamra to do a double take and she asks Vicki to do something that she clearly has never done EVER in life and put things in perspective when it comes to Brianna’s marriage. After all, Brianna is 25, and clearly more mature than her mother is TODAY, let alone when she was 20 years old.

Vicki is in confessional wanting to know where she went wrong as a mother. “Oh, woe is me! Woooooe is meeeee! Won’t someone feel sorry for me?”  But seriously, her emotions are all over the place and I feel as if we are in store for another Kelly Bensimon type breakdown before this is all over.

Uh oh, did Tamra just tell Vicki the absolute truth and call her a, dun Dun DUN, hypocrite? We see steam escape from Vicki’s ears, and flames shoot from her nostrils! The sky fills with dark ominous clouds and lightning strikes across the sky! Rolls of thunder cackle in the distance and Vicki raises her arms, and… er, where was I? Oh, yea Vicki didn’t like that Tamra called her the same exact thing that Meany McMeanFace, Gretchen called her.  Tamra continues to point out ways that Vicki the Hypocrite displays her hypocrisy. For instance, her attempt at the alphabet game and her potty mouth full of penises and anuses.  “You can’t make up your own rules to life,” says Tamra! I guess Tamra has not been paying attention. Vicki tells Tamra to say sorry. I honestly don’t remember how this exchange ended, and I have no notes about it, so moving on.

We are shown clips of Gretchen going to Alexis’s room to discuss the pending confrontation with Heather, and the same goes when Heather visits Tamra. Vicki is off alone somewhere having phone sex with Brooks. Or something.

“Today was so weird,” Alexis says. “I need to talk to Heather. It’s awkward.” Whatever.

Tamra tells Heather that, based on Alexis’s behavior at zip line, it’s clear she is desperate for attention and it’s all her hubby’s fault. Heather concurs, “It’s why she dresses like a two-bit harlot,” she says with a nod. OK, Heather didn’t actually say that… but, she did say that it was why Alexis dresses “like that.”


Yea that shit was not contrived at all.

It’s all small talk for a while with Heather trying to explain the name of the restaurant and why it’s amusing. The women don’t get it and figure it must not be for blondes to understand.  Personally, I just think that Heather wanted to show off her multilingualing.

Tamra is bit on the inner thigh and Vicki demands that she proves it! Once bored with the idea of seeing Tamra’s inner thigh, Vicki suggested that they sing a song. She’s happy damn it and everyone is going to know what it is like to be with a Vicki that is so happy that she is delirious! She’s drunk and delirious off of her happiness! DEAL WITH IT, Tamra!

Alexis is surprised to hear that the men are getting together for dinner the next night. Her husband must not have deigned it worthy of Alexis’s ears. Maybe he is accustomed to not giving her brain more information than it can handle. While on the subject of husbands, Alexis decides that this is the perfect time to “discuss the white elephant in the room” and mentions what Heather’s husband said about her being all kinds of fake. Heather said that Dr. Dubrow (I really don’t remember his first name) was parroting what he heard others say, which I don’t think says much about him. Maybe Heather just wanted Alexis to know that everyone thinks that she is artificial (fake is such an overused word), and it works because all of the women, even BFF Gretchen, points out Alexis’s superficiality to her.

What hurts Alexis the most, what really cuts her way deep down in her soul, is that Gretchen didn’t stand up for her. That she didn’t lie to all of those women and say, “No! Alexis is not at all fake! She is the most genuine, down to earth person I have ever met! So what if she is always talking about her cars, her fake diamond ‘stand-ins’ and have tits the size of basketballs? That so totally does NOT make her fake!”

To bolster the women’s claims that Alexis is a materialistic blowup doll, we are shown a montage of Alexis’s greatest hits and Heather recounts an encounter at Nordstrom’s where she overheard Jim giving their son a lesson in owning the most expensive pair of shoes in the store. Heather was mortified by such behavior and Alexis said that her husband is just loud and that’s just who he is. Vicki throws in her two cents and tells Alexis that, although she is clearly the wealthier of the two women, Alexis makes her feel as if she is beneath her and explains that she would never buy both a Phantom and a Bentley because it isn’t wise decision making. Alexis insists that cars appreciate and that Jim will make more money off the cars in the end. Maybe we should actually be looking into HOW Jim buys these vehicles, huh? Maybe Alexis is on the wrong show. Mob Wives Orange County, anyone?

“God don’t like lying!” Says Tamra.

Alexis begs Tamra to stop being a Meany McMeanFace and dissolves into tears.

The End.

Next week promises to be as ridiculous, and I can’t wait!

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