Dare I state the obvious? The article below contain spoilers pertaining to Episode 1, Season 5 of True Blood.
The long wait is FINALLY over! Season 5 of True Blood is here! I know we have all been speculating on just what would happen with Tara after she got half of her head blown off in the season 4 finale. I was expecting some sort of Television Miracle, where she would be in a coma for 3 days and magically awaken and everything would go back to normal; and/OR, being shot in the head would have somehow fixed her bad attitude. However, I knew that would be far too tame for a show like True Blood. Nope, we aren’t going to kill her off; we aren’t going to put her into a deep coma; we aren’t going to pretend as if the bullet really only “grazed” the side of her head, and looked much worse than it was; nope, we aren’t going to do ANY of that. Instead, we are going to turn her into a vampire! What??!?! Po’ Tara. She just cannot catch a break, can she? The thing that she hates most in the world is now what she must become in order to live. Part of me feels as if this just may be the beginning of the end for Miss Tara Mae Thornton. Being an vampire may just make her more self-destructive. Can you imagine? Turn, Turn, Turn!
But, I am way ahead of myself, aren’t I? Yup, I should start from the beginning!
The season 5 premiere of True Blood wraps up all of the cliffhangers from season 4’s finale, starting with Bill and Eric cleaning up the bloody globs of goo left behind after slaughtering Nan Flanagan and crew. Seriously, killing vampers is messy business! In the midst of playing Merry Maids, both Bill and Eric sense the danger Sookie is in – you know, from a shotgun toting Debbie – but they fight their urge to go play Captain Save-a-ho. As Eric, so bluntly, put it, “Fuck Sookie!” Perhaps proving that he is the one who truly loves Sookie the most, Bill is unable to resist running to her aid once Debbie pulls the trigger. Unfortunately, The Authority has already caught up with them and he is shot with a silver net thingy. Cheesy horror movie style, Eric runs right out the front door in an… attempt? to avoid capture. I mean, could he at least have tried to going out the back door? Or, was his intention to stay with his new BFF, Bill?
Meanwhile, Pam shows up at Sookie/Eric’s house looking for Eric. Taking in the scene before her, Debbie’s head blown to bits and a bloody Tara cradled in Sookie’s arms, Pam compliments them on their partying skillz. Then Lafayette begs Pam to turn Tara into a vampire. Sookie gave an halfhearted protest, pointing out that Tara probably would not be happy living as something she hates, but in the end, they both decide that what they wanted is more important than what Tara would want. Pam agrees to turn Tara if Sookie uses her “magic hands” or “super snatch” to repair her riff with Eric + “owe her one” in the future.
Can I just say that I love Jason Stackhouse? Who DOESN’T love that boy? This is the one time I can say that I understand being endeared by ignorance and stupidity because he ain’t got a lick of sense, common or otherwise, but I just love him to pieces. When we meet back up with him and Reverend Newlin, he is still naked at the door, smart enough to realize that he should not allow the good reverend to gaze into his eyes. Unfortunately, his intelligence doesn’t extend far enough to stop from easily being persuaded by Rev’s sob story about how he was turned by a wicked vampire who didn’t even teach him how to glamor! Can you believe that? Well, apparently, Jason does believe it and, before we know it, he’s inviting the reverend in to put duct tape on his mouth.
Best line of the episode so far? “
Fangs are basically like twin hard ons.” -Jason Stackhouse
At Merlotte’s, Sam is out back surrounded by a pack of wolf-like dogs, growling and baring their canines. Sam points out that it will be a tad difficult to communicate unless one of them shifts back to human form, so one of the bitches reveals herself. Turns out, they are looking for their pack master, Marcus, and they think that Sam killed him. Sam shifts into a little birdie-by and flies away to warn Luna that she needs to skip town. This does not sound like such a great idea to Luna and she thinks that it’s best for Sam to be a rat, (I’m not sure if he’s “imprinted” on one of those yet) and tell them that he isn’t the one who killed Marcus, it was Alcide’s doing. Sam ain’t no snitch, and anyway, it’s too late because the bitch has already tracked him to Luna’s house. In order to protect Luna and Emma, Sam goes with her.
Back at Jason’s abode, Rev Newlin has his prey seated, and covered with a blanket. Considering his confession to Jason, that he wasn’t mad at him for screwing his wife – he was jealous that Jason wasn’t screwing him – I’m somewhat surprised that he didn’t just leave him uncovered and simply glamor his way into screwing him. I guess the good reverend is just a hopeless romantic and was holding out hope that Jason would want him on his own free will. “I am a gay vampire American and I love you Jason Stackhouse,” Reverend Newlin confesses. Jason lets him down gently, telling him he just can’t get it up for dudes. He was all rational about it and everything. Rational is not working for Newlin, however, and Jessica had to come play captain… captress? save-a-ho and do that whole, “He belongs to me!” thing that vampires like to do. Then they (Jason and Jessica) fuck.( I guess Jessica got over that whole self-generating hymen thing she got going on.)
Wait… Jessica is the Queen of Louisiana now? Uh oh!
So, BFFs Bill and Eric are trapped in a trunk now. They work together to figure out a creative way to escape it, punching a hole in the gas tank and sparking a flame that blows the car up. Of course, you can’t actually kill Vampires THAT easily, and they all survive. Right before they were about to get the true death from the driver, he is stabbed with the wooden end of the umbrella they used to puncture the gas tank. Rewind – before we get to that part, Eric rushes to Bill’s side – see he’s a little bit more hurt than Eric- and Eric simply cannot leave Bill behind. I mean, Eric actually said, “I’m not leaving you here!” What? Were they not just fighting over Sookie a few hours ago? And, this is ERIC we are talking about here! I guess the effects of Marney’s spell is still lingering. Their savoir turns out to be Eric’s “sister,”Nora, a fellow vampire turned by Goddrick. I am glad they made that clear quickly, because I was disturbed or a half a second when the two began to make out.
Back at Sook’s Place, Lafayette is sitting at the kitchen table guzzling pills from a prescription pill bottle and Sookie is picking up bits and pieces of Debbie off the floor. Lafayette is all like, “Why don’t you just call the po po? You a white girl, claiming self defense. You all good, hooker!” Sookie explains that it wasn’t technically self defense because she had the choice to not blow Debbie’s brains out. She actually thought about it first and thought, “Yup, this cunt needs to die.”
Nora is a Chancellor with The Authority and she is taking Bill and Eric to a “safe” place where they can wait for their help and new identities to arrive. A safe place, apparently, is a shipping container at some dock.
The next day, Sookie takes Lafayette back to his place to clean up Jesus. But, I guess Jesus’s ghost got to it first because when they return, he is not in the chair that Lafayette left him in. I mean, it’s a more logical explanation than the one Sook offered: “Maybe Eric or Bill took care of it.” As if Eric or Bill care that much about Lafayette. Puh-lease.
In the next scene two young men, I’ve never seen before, are dropped off at some roach motel looking place. And inside is a naked Andy Bellefleur , in bed with the witch Holly. Turns out, those boys are Holly’s sperm blossoms. Andy assures them that this “ain’t what it look like,” because he really cares about their mother. I think what it looks like, Andy, is that their mother just screwed some guy they don’t know on her son’s bed (…well it’s a sofa, but it’s his bed too!), ya know, instead of in HER bed. Now, that is just gross and the boys let Holly know just how they feel about that one!
At the Bellfleur Estate, or Mansion, or whatever, Terry and Arlene are entertaining Terry’s army buddy at breakfast. We all know how much being in the army, in combat, stressed Terry out and his nerves are just about shot. He’s moody and angry and pretty much acting like he’s having PMS. Arlene explains that they aren’t living in their own home because it had been set ablaze, which makes Army Buddy take pause. (seriously, what is his name?)
During a shower/bath Sookie has a flashback to when Tara saved her when they were kids. Nostalgia. When it’s Lafayette’s turn to bathe, he just gazes longingly at a razor. What is he going to do!?
Alcide drops by to warn Sookie that Russell Edgington is back. Has anyone figured out why in the world Bill and Eric allowed him to live? Sookie spies a tooth that she missed in cleaning up the remnants of Debbie and kicks it under the cabinet. I am thinking that will come back to haunt her in some capacity since she didn’t go back to toss it out. Or, it may not mean anything at all.
At Merlotte’s, Andy and Jason are having lunch and both wishing that Merlotte’s wasn’t the only place to eat at in the town. Hoyt is with a few of his friends glaring across the room at the Girlfriend Fucker aka Jason. A judge sidles up to Jason and Andy’s booth to tell him to make a ticket given to his son go away. See, apparently he was going 75 in a 25 but the ticket was BS because… well it’s BS because he’s the son of a judge. Only people without connections have to follow the law, we all know that. Andy assures Judge Clemon that he will take care of it for him, citing a faulty radar. Jason goes over to Hoyt’s booth to try to mend things with Hoyt, but he ain’t having none of that shit.
At Sook’s Place, Alcide is trying to convince Sookie to come stay with him – because somehow he can protect her from a 3000 year old vampire. Sookie is on the verge of confessing to Alcide that she wtfpwned Debbie with her own shotgun when Lafayette, now bald, runs into to stop her. “Hooker, you about to send both of us to prison!”
Lafayette ain’t scared of no werewolf. Not after dealing with vampires, maenads, and witches; not to mention being possessed by a ghost. “Chile please, you better go one somewhere with that growling. I ain’t scared of you!” And like a good puppy, Alcide backs down. Time for them to prepare for Tara’s awakening.
The werewolves have Sam tied up in some abandoned barn or warehouse. They are torturing him for information on where he buried Marcus’s body. This old woman shows up, who really looks like she could be Debbie’s irl mother, and wants to know if the torturing is effective. Someone should tell them that torturing isn’t always an effective device. She goes to see Sam for herself, and threatens Luna and Emma, and he squeals. See? Much more effective than torturing.
Back at the shipping container, Eric and Nora are shagging one another’s brains out. I just wish they would stop calling each other sister and brother, and siblings. It’s just skeevy! Bill warns that New Orleans is only 60 miles away, “They may hear you!”Alcide calls, interrupting their sexing, and informs Eric of Russell’s escape from his cemented confines. We then see a scene of a man being dragged to his death, eaten by some unseen being on the other side of a steel door. I’m guessing it’s Russell, but who can be sure?
At Bill’s Place, Queen Jessica is hosting a keger… ok it’s not really a keger as much as it is just a bunch of sorority girls and college dudes getting drunk and playing Guitar Hero – or Rock Band – seriously, which one is it? I haven’t played Rock Band it ages… it let’s different. Hmmm. Anyway, Jason shows up thinking that Jessica must want to be BF/GF, since they fucked earlier, but nope. She just wanted an one off. Sorry Jason! Jason decides to stay for the party anyway, and after Jessica successfully ignores him, he invites one of the sorority girls to leave with him. But, really, he just wanted Jessica to think that he didn’t really care that she doesn’t care that he’s fucking some random chick. He opts to take the girl home and really just drop her off. Meaningless sex just can’t compare to sex with the vampire he loves.
Meanwhile back at Merlotte’s, Army Buddy Patrick corners Terry out back. He explains to him that all of their “crew,” from their tour in Iraq, houses are being targeted and burned to the ground. He is trying to figure out who is behind it. Terry explains to him, in a very blunt and matter of fact way, that there is no way his house fire is connected because their fire was started by this angry, yet super pretty, ghost named Mavis who turned out to be really nice. Patrick is calling BS on that one, but not because ghosts don’t exist but because he knows it has to do with that night in Iraq! This really makes Terry angry and he blows a gasket before Arlene comes out and drains him of all of his testosterone. Imagine what she can do with fangs! Patrick just wants to know what is going on because everyone from their… uh, “team” is like, being killed and it is a real bummer.
So, Sam leads the pack to their dead and buried pack leader and just before they are about to toss him into now vacant plot, Luna shows up, Alcide in tow. Turns out the old lady wolf, who got Sam to sing, is Marcus’s mother and she has to eat his innards. But, before she gets to that lovely feasts, Alcide confesses to killing their pack master. Ok, NOW it’s down to chow down.
Well, it looks like Bill and Eric will be leaving Bon Temps forever. They have new identities and everything. Bill will be known as Marcelis Clark and Eric as Mike Applebaum. I like Bill Compton and Eric Northman considerably more. Oh look, more exploding vampires! Uh oh, looks like they are surrounded by an army of vampires, and this time they aren’t Nora’s decoys. Maybe that cell phone wasn’t untraceable after all, Eric – or Nora has a leak.
Sookie and Lafayette are at Tara’s “gravesite,” holding vigil to see if Tara’s vampirization takes. Sookie realizes that they haven’t eaten in a while, and Lafayette runs off to scavenge them up something to eat. Of course, we know that that means something is about to happen. An annoyed Pam emerges first and Sookie wants to know if it worked. “I don’t fucking know,” Pam says. Thanks, you are a help! Sookie panics and begins to unbury Tara, and when she is done she sees that she still isn’t breathing. Sookie starts to cry and Lafayette comes back outside and sees Sookie crying, so he starts to cry too. In the midst of their grief Tara pops out of the grave like a mole looking to be whacked, and Sookie screams for Lafayette. What the hell you think he’s going to do, hooker? Seriously, if Tara was mean as a human, what the fuck do they think she is going to be as a vampire?
Well, that’s it for this review! I cannot wait to see where this season takes us; there is SO much going on! I’m so happy to see Christopher Meloni as a part of the cast. I was mad at him for leaving Law & Order: SVU, but all is forgiven now. Especially if we get to see him
semi-nude. It would really be all worth it then.
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