True Blood, Season 5 Episode 3: Whatever I Am, You Made Me Review & Recap

True Blood: Whatever I Am, You Made Me

The beginning of  Episode 3 starts with visions of Tara wounds healing. The writers of the show have stated that the reason why Tara appeared to be so “feral” is because her brain had not fully healed. Hell, I just thought that her anger had magnified to such a degree that she had been rendered speechless. Sookie and Lafayette are as hot on her trail as two slow ass humans can be. Tara zips away from them and stumbles upon some potential prey – a young woman who is trying to change her tire. Try as she might, Tara just is not able to find it in her to take a bite of an innocent victim. Was it the cross hanging from the rearview mirror, or the reflection of herself that she saw in the window that changed her mind? Maybe it was a little bit of both. Either way, she apologizes to the girl and zips off. 

Back at The Authority, Salome and Roman are trying to decide what to do with Bill and Eric. Clearly, they do not want a vengeful Russell Edgington on the loose, but do they really need Bill and Eric to help capture him? Duh, of course they do! Bill and Eric will capture him, or die trying! However, it is not going to be THAT easy! First we need that chick from Big Love to fit them with training-bra-stakes that detonate remotely. There’s an app for that!

How did Steve Newlin become the new Nan Flanagen? Well, he is and it’s funny.

Sookie heads out to Fangtasia to solicit help from Pam, but Pam is busy power-tweeting, on the search for her maker. She doesn’t have time to deal with Sookie and her damn Tara drama. All Sookie wants her to do is summon the neophyte and she’ll be on her way, but Pam is just like, “Fuck all y’all!” and pushes Sookie away. This enrages Sookie just enough to use her faerie powers and zap Pam. That was a whole lot of useless drama. Moving on. Later, Sookie and Lafayette return to Sook’s place to clean up after Tazmanian Tara and continue to muse over what to do now that they’ve turned Tara. “We needs a plan, Hooker!”

At Merlottes, Tara has downed about a dozen True Bloods and is thirsty for more. Sam is trying to get her to tell him who turned her, but she doesn’t tell him. Of course, it doesn’t take him long to put two and two together when she begs him not to tell Sook and Lafayette that she’s there. When she passes out, Sam tucks here in the walk-in freezer for safe keeping.

Andy Bellefleur is a local sex symbol on account of his Witch’s kids putting up a picture of his bare naked behind on the Facebook. After chastising his coworkers for wasting time on porn sites, Debbie’s parents show up to discuss her going missing. Are they werewolves, too?

Jason runs into some woman at the super market, apparently she used to be his teacher and she screwed him when he was her pupil. My guestimation is that Jason would have been at least 14 at the time. Later in the episode we see him go over to her house and they sleep together again. After they are done sexing, Jason has an epiphany and realizes that his intimacy problems stems from this sick fuck of a teacher taking advantage of him at a young age. “You mean that’s why I’ve been with a V addict, an inbred werepanther and a teenage Vampire? ‘cause of you??” This storyline is particularly creepy/revolting after spending the last couple of weeks following the Jerry Sandusky trial.  ::shudders::

Arlene is still trying to get Terry to tell her what is going on with him and Patrick. Terry says he is a horrible liar, so he’s not going to lie to her. The conversation goes a little something like this:

Terry: “Me and Patrick are going somewhere.”

Arlene: “Where are you going.”

Terry: “Classified.”

Arlene: “What are you going to do there?”

Terry: “Classified.”

Arlene: “How long are you going to be gone?”

Terry: “Classified!”

Arlene: “Well, don’t expect me to be waiting for you when you get back!”

I really want them to hurry on up with this storyline. It feels like it is draaaaaaaaaagin’.

I don’t know nothing!

Lafayette and Sookie show up at this moment, looking to see if Tara had been to Merlottes, and feign concern for an emotionally distraught Arlene. Sookie goes to Sam’s office to ask him about Tara, and Sam does that thing people try to do around Sookie so that she cannot read their mind. Thinking in your head, “Don’t think about that giant secret I’m keeping,” doesn’t tend to work. Since the freezer was the only light-tight place that Sam could find, that’s where he stuck Tara. He done good. Now, all Lafayette and Sookie have to do is make sure that no one opens the door until the sun sets. That’s easy enough, right?

I like how the “Out of Order” sign has “DANGER” on it as well. What am I in danger from in the FREEZER?? I also like how Sookie just shows up randomly to work, whenever the mood hits her… or, when she’s not being hunted by a psycho vampire or a jealous werewolf. Lafayette is right though, trying to control Tara is like trying to keep a pet alligator in a bathtub.

Our next flashback to the early 1900’s reveals how Pam was ultimately turned. People have had mixed reactions about learning that Pam and Eric were once lovers and that Pam forced Eric to turn her, ultimately foisting herself onto him… You know, versus Eric choosing her because of her general, overall fabulousness. The trip back in time also reveals that Eric and Bill have known one another for a very long time. When they first met, Bill was but a testosterone-filled neophyte being led around by his sociopath of a maker, Lorraine. The duo was using Pam’s whorehouse as their very own human buffet. So, basically, Pam trades her goodies in exchange for Eric putting Lorraine/Bill in their place. I actually like the more human side of Pam and seeing a single bloody tear slide from her eye did pull at my heart strings a teeny bit! It’s tough being in love with someone you know you can never have. Awww, Pam!  Later on, we hear the lesson that Eric taught Pam on what it means to become a maker.  Abandoning a new vampire is akin to tossing a newborn baby into the gutter. I imagine this remembrance will lead to Pam taking her responsibility to Tara a little more seriously.

Debbie parents catch up to Alcide at work. They know that he and Debbie had a fight. It was more than a fight, however, because Alcide abjured her! “And, by the way, your daughter is a V addicted slut who likes to screw other werewolves!” Oh, and the parents are werewolves too because they start talking about werepack stuff and I zoned out. Sookie, girl, you better find that tooth hiding under your counter! They is coming fa ya!

Andy is going around, playing detective, and questioning folk about whether or not they’ve seen Debbie. Sookie isn’t really a good liar, but since Andy isn’t the greatest detective, it doesn’t really matter. “Now, your brother said that you said that Debbie was batshit crazy! What does that even mean?” Uh, that she was batshit crazy! (See: Michelle Bachmann) “I bet she wasn’t too keen on you and Alcide being friends like you are. Is you banging him on the side?” Meanwhile, Lafayette is in the background, ‘bout to catch the vapors. We’s fuxed. And our asses is going to jail.”

Earlier in the episode, Roman tasked Salome to “Find out everything” she can from Bill and Eric prior to releasing them. Well, apparently the best way to do that is by having vampire sex, so naturally, she has to screw them both. Before screwing Eric, Salome let’s him know that she knew that Nora was his sister, and that she is surprised that he didn’t even try to save her. As if he could have. Pfft!  What is fascinating to me is how poorly these Authority members manipulate Bill and Eric. They have not fallen for one damn thing that they have tried to pull on them. Did she think that Bill and Eric (BFFs fa life!) wouldn’t tell one another that they smashed her? Really? During Nora’s torture session, she reveals that she is, indeed, sanguinist and that she wishes Lilith would rise from the ashes to rip mainstreamers heads off. She longs for her to dance in their muck.  Geez, melodramatic much?

Jessica is at some “podunk” boutique, trying on cheap dresses when, what I presume is, a faerie walks in. She’s in the dressing room getting dressed when she smells him and gets all kinds of excited. “You smell awesome, what are you?” ::fang boner:: The faerie runs away from the boutique, jumps into his car, and drives to the middle of some field where Jessica, who is tracking him, is left to spin in circles as she inhales his yummy faerie essence! Aroused by this encounter, Jessica makes her way over to her fuck buddy’s house, Jason, but he’s all wallowing in his pity and isn’t up for getting it up. “I ain’t some mechanical bull you can come and ride on when you feel like it.” Jessica convinces him that she can just be his buddy, without the fuck, and that she wants to be there for him. Awww. I do love that Jessica. Oh, and if you ever wanted to know what faerie blood smells like, it apparently smells like cotton candy, fresh baked bread and sex. Wow.

WTF, Hoyt? Seriously? Guyliner? Seriously? FANGTASIA? SERIOUSLY?  I just can’t… That kid is a lost cause.

Back at Merlottes, Tara awakens to a red-headed Arlene amongst slabs of hanging red meat. That’s fitting because Tara rises up and bites the hell out of Arlene, draining her dry of every drop of blood! Haha, just kidding. It was all just a dream. When she really does wake up, Lafayette is handing her a True Blood, “Drank up, Hooker.”

Meanwhile, Alcide has cornered Sookie, telling her about how Debbie is missing and how worried he is. “You know how she back on that V. Bitch is batshit crazy!” Sookie tries to play it off, but seriously, who can keep lying to someone as fine as Alcide? I mean, it’s one thing lying to Andy, but Alcide? Later, Sookie confesses to Alcide that she killed Debbie, and he loses his ever-loving mind. Uh-oh! I hope he doesn’t tell! Who are we kidding? We know he loves him some Sookie. Once he calms down, it’ll be all about him protecting her again. Geez, you would think Sookie was a vampire and that she had fed Alcide some of HER blood. At least we know it’s real love and he ain’t after her for a taste of her faerie blood. Anyway, too bad they are in Lousiana, and not in Florida, because apparently you can chase a motherfucker down and shoot them all in the name of “Standing Your Ground” down there. So, she would have, like, been TOTALLY been in the clear. (And, NO, I am not talking about the George Zimmerman case, click the link. )

Rewind: Before any of that confession stuff happens, we hear Tara tossing Lafayette around, and a loud clang.

Arlene: “What in tarnation?”

::Sookie sees Tara exit the walk-in:: “Tara! What in the world are you doing in there, you silly thing?”

Tara: “You got to be shitting me.”

I know, right?

Salome gets her third dick in one night – I mean, ew – this time, from Roman. All he takes off is his top, however, and I am not happy! I WILL see some Christopher Meloni ass before this is all said and done! I DEMAND IT! ::shakes fist:: He did look nice and muscly though. Yummy!

Back at Merlottes, Arlene gets under Lafayette’s skin when she chastises him, in her passive aggressive way, about having his own cousin turned into a vampire. She rattles him so much that his witchdoctor-voodoo self pops out and adds a gallon of bleach to his gumbo. Eek! Thankfully, Lafayette catches himself and dumps the batch. “I’m losing my mind, Hooker!”

By the way, when are they going to tell us what the fuck happened to Jesus?

The episode ends with Tara breaking into a tanning salon and trying to kill herself by lying beneath the UV rays.

Pam senses her: “You stupid bitch.”

Well, that is my review for this week. It’s all kinds of late, but well… I can’t spend ALL of my time doing reviews. Especially not the way that I like to do them.

Please be sure to follow me on the Twitter, @DeAnnaMisrahi, and follow my blog to keep up with all  of my reviews! Ciao!

Related articles

• True Blood, Season 5 Episode 2: Authority Always Win, Recap & Review (televisionseriesreviews.wordpress.com)
• True Blood – That Darn Salome! (televisionwithoutpity.com)
• True Blood June 24 Recap: Will Pam rescue Tara a second time? (bitingremarks.wordpress.com)
• True Blood Season 5, Episode 1: Turn, Turn, Turn, Review and Recap (televisionseriesreviews.wordpress.com)
• The Best True Blood Season Premiere Review (costumesupercenter.com)

True Blood, Season 5 Episode 2: Authority Always Win, Recap & Review

Authority Always Wins

“TARA! That is Sookie! You is killing her!” That is the first line of episode 2 of  True Blood. As you may recall, at the end of the season premiere, Tara pops out of the ground like a pop tart, attacks Sookie, pins her up against a tree, and bites her real good. Since Pam is just standing there with a smirk on her face, it is up to Lafayette to try and save Sook, but Tara just flings him away. Pam stands by, thoroughly amused by the scene playing out before her, but still does nothing. We are ALL amused, Pam! Eventually she does save Sookie and commands Tara not to bite Sookie and Lafayette before tossing her into the house. She tells Sook and Lafayette that they are on their own.

The Authority ends up being this super secret, hidden secret, underground secret, society (or perhaps government is a better word) where all of the Mega Vampires go to play; and, to devise plans to mainstream. Mainstreaming is like, very super duper important to these people and they mean to eliminate any obstacles that stand in the way of accomplishing that goal.

Anyway, Bill, Eric, and Nora are taken to a building that appears to be a giant warehouse, in the middle of nowhere. Inside, we meet Mega Vamp Salome. She’s none-too-pleased with Nora’s betrayal and pimp slaps her as she attempts to convince Salome that she really was not going behind her back to free Bill & Eric. Salome doesn’t buy it; I mean, even someone with below average intelligence (Jason, for instance) wouldn’t buy that one. Although the building looks like a warehouse above ground, underground it is a whole other world. Think the White House. They enter this official looking reception area and I get this sense of sci-fi, complete with guards that look vaguely like Storm Troopers – without the helmets. Still, there is a touch of history with an antique oil painting of Roman, The Authority’s… “president?” on the wall, and a stone tablet with ancient text behind the receptionist’s desk.

The trio is escorted to a holding area and they are deposited into separate cells. Perhaps that is a good thing. Eric and Nora may not have been able to resist one last shagging before meeting the True Death. One other prisoner is already there, and he looks as if he has been tortured into within an inch of his life. It appears that his body can no longer heal itself completely, and he is just this deformed mess.Yuck! It seems that he has a thing for eating newborn “succulent” babies. (Why they don’t just kill him, I’m not sure, but does it really matter?) Soon we learn how The Authority administers at least one form of torture when they turn on UV Lights to burn the hell out of their prisoners. As it turns out, they aren’t fond of being lied to and when Bill suggests that he was the mastermind behind their failed escape, and that they should let Eric and Nora go, it pisses them off. Sizzle and Burn, baby!

Elsewhere, reluctant Pack Master, Alcide looks on as his pack continues to devour the corpse of Marcus. Alcide isn’t hungry enough to feast on the guts and intestines of the werewolf he killed, and passes on the offer. Apparently, it’s disrespectful to turn down a helping of dead Were-innards, and before Alcide can leave, Marcus’s mother lets him know that, although her son wasn’t perfect, he deserves respect. Mothers are often so blind. When I said that Alcide is a “reluctant pack master,” I mean he has absolutely no intentions of leading the pack – at all. Marcus’s mom (I really don’t know her name) says what he wants is irrelevant to their laws. I have a feeling that before it’s all said and done, Alcide will be Pack Master.

Did you know that Terry Bellefleur has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Well, that shit has gotten 10x worse now that his ex-army buddy, Patrick, has rolled into town. He is standing over a sleeping Arlene, and she damn near jumps out of her skin when her eyes pop open, and she sees him there. Sitting up, she reaches her hand up to him and (THWAP!!) Terry slaps her arm down and says, “We’re all going to die. They’re coming for us.” OMG! … Who is “they?” We see a cryptic flashback of his time in combat, but it’s not as if we can really glean what happened from the snippet we are shown. Arlene, literally, slaps him out of it and is all like, “WTF?” Later on, Arlene goes to Patrick to try to get some answers, but of course, he doesn’t tell her anything. Terry shows up, and after they send Arlene on her merry way, Terry confesses that he knows where the guy Patrick is looking for is and they uh… go looking for him.

Meanwhile, Tara is ripping and tearing through Sookie’s house trashing shit. It’s any wonder that house is even still standing between Maryanne and Tara and all of the other evil that his swept through its doors.

“Grab her!” Sookie says to Lafayette when Tara stops for a moment, squatting on the sink like she’s Gollum, or something. Lafayette gives Sookie that, “Hooker, is you crazy?” look, but she convinces him to go for a bottle of True Blood in the cabinet so that they could um… lure Tara, like she’s a starving cat, to her food. Yea, that shit was never going to work. There must be a room left, that has not been totally wrecked, because after she attacks Lafayette, and slaps herself  few dozen times in her face, she zips off to trash Sook’s house some more.

Pam returns to Fangtasia to check in with Ginger, who is frazzled because she had to open alone. All Pam wants to know is if Ginger has heard from Eric. FLASHBACK TIME! This is the first time we are getting a glimpse of what Pam was like before she was made. Turns out, she was a madam at a brothel in San Francisco in 1905. Who is surprised? Looks like there is some Jack the Ripper type on the loose, taking out harlots and hos in the SF. Pam comes face to face with him one night, for some reason she is out walking the streets  alone. This is when Eric, in all of his delicious fineness, drops in to save the day.

After Nora helps Sam to her place, Marcus’s mom’s shows up to lay claim to her grandbaby, Emma, but Luna ain’t trying to hear none of that. “What if she is a werewolf?” Emma’s grandmother wants to know, “For all you know, she is a shifter,” Emma replies. Well, by the end of the episode, we find out that Emma is, indeed, a werewolf in the most adorable way possible.

Back at the house of terrors, (or Taras?) Tara has made her way upstairs, and Sook and Lafayette are just trying to figure out how to get her into Eric’s cubby; you know the one he built when he bought Sook’s house out from under her? Well, it is definitely coming in handy now. They devise a plan that involves Lafayette slicing open his arm and letting Tara feed from him so that Sookie can sneak up and wrap some thick ass silver chains around her. They then dump Tara into the cubby, thus saving her from being incinerated at sunrise. Tada!

Jason and Andy are on patrol when they come across Debbie’s truck, which is sure to set up the storyline about her being missing. Her tooth is still under the counter at Sook’s place, so I am sure that will tie in together at some point. Andy makes me, and Jason, proud when he turns over that vial of V he finds in Deb’s truck.

Sookie makes a trip to the Stake House to load up on (turns out, ineffectual) gear to keep Tara in check. It is then that we see that Reverend Newlin is making the talk show circuit, having figured out how to intermingle his faith in Jesus with his newfound status as a vampire. “You see, I’m a Christian first, and a Vampire second.” Later on we see him bust in on Jessica’s frat.. sorority? party and offer to buy Jason for $10,000. After toying with him, getting his fangs all nice and rock hard, she tells him that Jason is her friend and is not for sale. She then tires of that whole “life of the party” thing and threatens to eat her partygoers if they don’t get the fuck out.

Side Note: LOL @ Steve Newlin’s dancing:

Jessica is really embracing that trashy vamper look she has going on.

As Sookie is putting up the liquid silver misters she got from the Stake House, she overhears Lafayette’s loud ass thoughts as he is trying to talk himself into staking Tara. She manages to talk him out of it, of course.

Back at The Authority, Bill and Eric are questioned individually, and tortured when they don’t give their torturers the answers that they are looking for. During Bill’s interrogation, we are introduced to the original testament – the Vampire’s bible. This bible states that before God created Adam and Eve, he created Lilith, and like Lilith, God was vampire. Vampires were created in God’s image, not humans. The bible goes on to state Adam and Eve’s true purpose – to feed, er… “nourish” vampires. Bill’s torturer wants to know if he believes in the literal interpretation of the vampire bible – is he a fundamentalist? Bill says no, but either this sociopathic interrogator does not believe him, or he just wants to pump Bill’s veins full of refined silver. Eric’s interrogation isn’t going much better, but I have to say that the interrogators really stink at their job, in the end, they didn’t get anything out of them and none of their lies, nor torture methods, swayed them.

Oh, shit! Tara’s awake! And, she is never going to forgive Sookie or Lafayette for what they’ve done for to her. She then zips out the front door, getting hit with a spray of liquid silver in the process. She burns and screams before zipping off into the darkness.

The episode ends with Bill and Eric being brought before The Authority’s council of chancellors. I am pleased, delighted and THRILLED to see Doctore from Spartacus on the council! There is also this little kid there, which is interesting. The thought of a kid being turned 100s of years ago, and being stuck at that age is… depressing and intriguing at the same time. This is first time we are introduced to Roman, played by Christopher Meloni.

Sidebar: I am not going to lie. I just keep hoping that he has a nude scene at some point. Who hasn’t wanted to see Elliot Stabler naked? Come on! I know it’s not just me!

Roman goes through a ritual of feeding each of the council members a drop of his blood as he recites the following:

The Blood of Lilith, the first, the last, the eternal. We are born of Lilith, she who was created in God’s image.

The first, the last, the eternal. We swear fealty to the Blood and to the Progenitor.

The first, the last, the eternal. Lord and Lilith, Father and Mother, protect us as we protect you, from this day until the hour of the True Death…

And in Lord and Lilith’s name we say…Vampyr.

Oooo. I almost got chills! But… I am confused. It seems that these vampires believe the teachings of the original texts, of the original testament, but in order to mainstream, they cannot let the world know that they do. Is that it? They want to put humans at ease so that, ultimately, they can take over and finally have a Vampire’s utopia where humans only purpose is to be Vampire’s food??? I don’t know.

Anyway, after the ritual is complete, Roman goes on to list all of Eric and Bills fuck ups; in fact Nan Flanagan called them Fuck Up 1, and Fuck Up 2. Because that’s just how much the fucked up! Roman seems to really enjoy hearing himself talk and putting on a show for his audience. After threatening to stake Bill, because he is really really really MAD at him, he doesn’t, of course… He was just pounding his chest, figuratively speaking. A few of the chancellors at the meeting have a chance to speak and of course, Doctore votes for Bill and Eric to have their lives spared. He’s awesome everywhere! But, then the kid pipes up to say that he ain’t down for that because they killed an authority member. Someone needs a nap! Or, at least, a timeout!

In the end, Roman finally sentences the duo to the True Death, but Bill tells him something that changes everything! Dun dun DUN!!! Russell Edgington is still alive!! And, apparently, because they need Bill and Eric to help catch him, by playing bait, they change their mind about that whole True Deathing thing. I guess the BFFs knew that one day they would be captured by The Authority, and that they would need to use Russell as a get out of jail free card. Isn’t that the only thing that makes sense? This whole, “He deserves to suffer!” thing is just a bit weak. I guess they figured that concrete would hold him forever.

At the end, we get a shot of someone who vaguely resembles Russell healing up and it’s just gross. I don’t want to think about it.

Jason Stackhouse: During this episode, Jason gets attacked by a teenager whose mother he fucked. “Have you fucked every woman in town?” Andy wants to know. Jason thinks he almost has. But, who is keeping count? Later, Jason goes to Hoyt’s mother’s house to attempt to get Hoyt to see the light, because living with that crazy ass mother of his is just… well, crazy! Hoyt is hearing none of that and says fuck a lot, just because his mother hates it. As Jason is leaving, Maxine puts on a show of support for her son, yelling at Jason, asking how he could betray her son in such a way; at the door she thanks Jason for getting that “red-haired slut” out of Hoyt’s life. She’s gon’ bake him a pie! Speaking of pie… “That’s like eating the pie, without paying for the cow,” is his words of wisdom to Andy when he expresses concern over his witch-lady avoiding him. Damn I love that Jason Stackhouse.

So, that’s my True Blood recap for this week! Next week seems action packed and I can’t wait!

Ciao, and remember, if you like what you’ve read here, be sure to follow my blog and share it with your friends and family, and even people you don’t like! Just share!

Updated to add:

“Anyone who has been dead for three days knows where we are coming from,” Steve Newlin on intermingling faith with vampirism.

Related articles

• True Blood Season 5, Episode 1: Turn, Turn, Turn, Review and Recap (televisionseriesreviews.wordpress.com)
• ‘True Blood’ ‘Authority Always Wins’ Recap: The Vampire Authority, When Pam Met Eric (celebs.gather.com)
• True Blood – What Didn’t Kill You (televisionwithoutpity.com)
• The Best True Blood Season Premiere Review (costumesupercenter.com)
• ‘True Blood’ Recap: Tara Copes With Her New Vampire Status … Poorly (businessinsider.com)
• Review: ‘True Blood’ Season 5 Episode 2 – “Authority Always Wins” (grizzlybomb.com)