Open Letter to CBS: Big Brother 15

I have been watching, with dismay, the atrocious behavior of Big Brother 15’s Amanda Zuckerman and I am appalled that CBS Big Brother executives have allowed her bullying behavior to continue throughout the entire season. It is bad enough that all of the minority cast members had their games severely hindered by the racist beliefs of the likes of Zuckerman, Gries and Zimmerman, but now the outright bullying of a Big Brother contestant, Elissa Slater (who has no one to back or support her), has been allowed to persist throughout the last couple of days.  This includes Zuckerman’s declaration that she would murder Slater in her sleep. Today the bullying and harassment by Zuckerman has continued and,  instead of putting her in check, feeds were censored in order to shield her repugnant behavior. I find this to be unacceptable.

During a time where bullying has seen tremendous backlash from society at large, it is shameful that CBS has not done anything to put their foot down and set an example for the viewing public, as a whole.

I have been a fan of Big Brother since the early years and have questioned why I have continued to watch this bastardized version of a game that is normally one of the highlights of my summer. If season 16 sees its ratings severely drop, it will be due to season 15’s overall lack of integrity and moral virtue and CBS’s lack of effort to remedy the situation.

This is my plea to CBS to do something about this horrendous behavior. I get that the idea is to show people as they truly are, but there must be a line drawn in the sand at some point. There has to be a point at which one crosses that line. What cast members Candice Stewart and Elissa Slater, in particular, faced this season on Big Brother can only be described as bullying and emotional abuse. Please do not continue to be a party to such behavior.

Thank you.

Love and Hip Hop Atlanta, Season 1 Episode 3, The Young and the Ratchet

This week on the Young and the Ratchet, the episode picks up where last week’s ended…

Wait, let me talk a minute about the ratchet ass shit that went down at a viewing party last night with Mz Hoseline Hernandez. Apparently, ol’ girl was confronted, and attacked, by a fan of the show. As of now, details are sketchy, but the general consensus is that the woman wanted to know why Joseline had an abortion, and that is what started the altercation. Some people say that Joseline just brushed her off, and that was the ultimate sign of disrespect. Others say that Joseline pushed the attacker first. There are conflicting reports on whether or not Joseline was hit with a bottle. The attacker’s friend says that that’s not true. Until a police report surfaces, and/or pictures of Joseline’s injuries are posted, it is going to be hard to tell who is telling the truth.

Now, part of me feels that Joseline got what a lot of people thought she would get at some point. I didn’t think it would be over her getting an abortion, however. I mean, fa real? In case some of you have forgotten, abortions are legal in this country. Now, the GOP is trying to change that, along with taking away y’alls birth control (your asses better vote in November!) but, as of now, it is still legal. It is no one’s place to tell any woman what she HAS to do with her body. Period. If women were walking around trying to regulate men’s sperm, people would have a problem with that, but trying to regulate a woman’s uterus is fair game? Hell nah! But, I digress.

Since I don’t know the actual facts of what happened, it’s hard to give my opinion on it. If it’s true that old girl was salty for being brushed off, she needs to have several seats. What kind of pre-k, elementary school bullshit is that? I can’t stand Joseline, but far be it for me to cosign unprovoked and/or escalated violence (from fistfight to cracking bottles over ones head). The attacker needs to be locked up. Again, that’s IF, she hit her with a bottle.

Now that that is out of the way, it is time to move on to this week’s episode. It starts with Stevie J and Joseline, still in the studio, discussing who impregnated her. I cannot tell if Stevie is trying to play off the, “I ain’t fucking this ho,” angle for the camera, or if he is just a dick. I am going with the dick thing. This dude couldn’t find the highroad if Dora and Boots themselves gave him their map. Eventually, he drops the act and tries to play semantics with her on when she would have conceived the child. “If we had been sleeping together for 6 months, my kid would be bigger than that.” What? Does this man not know how reproduction works? Don’t he have at least four kids by now? Lawd. In confessionals, Joseline is saying, “Believe it or not, I am very stingy with my kutty cat.” Child, please.

Joseline tells Stevie that she is going to bring him the 50% paperwork and he ain’t going to have no money left. Ultimately, she lost that card when she had the fetus aborted. I can’t think of many people who are less fit to be a parent, so there are bright sides. My suspicion is that this wasn’t her first terminated pregnancy, and probably won’t be the last. Stevie doesn’t like that she is threatening to make him pay for his offspring, I mean the NERVE, and he tells her that she ain’t getting shit. He gets up and grabs his dick and says a bunch of ignorant bullshit. His mama must be so proud.

K Michlle goes to meet her record producer, B. Cox, to discuss organizing a local showcase to, uh…. showcase her talent. She is, again, talking about her time at Jive records and how they squandered her budget, and that she was out of her mind, and people were running away and locking their doors because they were scared of her. OK, we get it. Things, at Jive Records, were fucked up. Let’s move on now, because the more you talk the less I believe you.

Lil Scrappy goes to visit Momma Dee to let her know that he has found a new place. Again, they talk about Erica and her lack of affection and Momma Dee says she rather her son ho around to get the “affection” he needs than stay with woman who wouldn’t give him the one thing he asks for. I’m sure Erica is worried about Scrappy giving HER the one thing that SHE is asking for – you know, being faithful, but we see how things work in Momma Dee’s world. Any woman her son gets with must cater to him, period. This is why Scrappy will always be a little boy. That’s just not a lesson you teach ANY man. I mean, he can’t even handle the responsibility of hiring movers to move HIS shit. And mama, right there, offering to do it for him with a big grin on her face. SMDH. I do like Lil Scrappy’s personality though, so I at least understand why a female will be attracted to him. I will never get it with Stevie J.

Rasheeda and Kirk meet up to talk about her being late to the shoot. I am not feeling Rasheeda’s attitude on this one. Yes, I get that you have a lot of responsibilities, and it’s tough juggling it all, but you cannot use not getting your way as an excuse to drag your feet. She wanted four dancers, but she only got two. In her mind, she was being short changed so she would “get there when she get there.” She also seems to think that being late two hours only set their budget back $300-400. Kirk informs her that it set them back a few thousand dollars. I am rooting for Rasheeda, DESPITE the fact that I don’t like her music, but she really needs to pull it together. I’ve seen a lot of immaturity out of her the last couple of episodes. Kirk tells her that she isn’t being smart about the business because she has an attitude. He also says that what she is looking for is something that she would get as an artist with a major label. Rasheeda is totally against going the major labor route because they are really just glorified pimps. They use their artists up for every dime they can drain out of them, and unless the artist is able to negotiate a contract in their favor, ie, owning their masters, it doesn’t tend to pan out well for them.  But, again, if you want to go the independent route, you need to have the attitude and mentality to do it successfully. I am not seeing that in Rasheeda right now. Kirk also tells her that it’s difficult to be in business mode with her as his husband. They need to just go on and hire someone else.

Erica is earning her spot on the show by setting up a nice, romantic evening for Scrappy, even though we know she really don’t want his ass. Her bedroom is a fire hazard, with dozens of lighted candles lining the walls, rose petals scattered across the floor, and chocolate covered scrawberries. She has pullt on some sexy lingaree, and got the oils out for a nice massage. I cannot wait to see Scrappy return the “affection” and set up something similar for Erica down the line! Maybe he’ll get to that after he’s done rubbing Buckey bikini-clad body down! So in the midst of a foot and back massage, Scrappy decides that this is the perfect time to let Erica know that he has found a spot and is moving out. Thanks for killing the mood! I must say, Scrappy has some breautiful feet! He had to have had a pedicure beforehand, however, because I just don’t believe any man keep their feet that pretty on their own. Besides, we know that this show just ain’t that spontaneous.

The ladies get together to support K. Michelle at her showcase. Despite the sparkly fuzzy sleeves, I thought K. Michelle looked somewhat dressed down, but maybe that’s how they do at showcases. She sings her new song, “Bury My Heart,” and she is doing that shout-singing thing that tone-deaf people confuse for belting. Otherwise, she sounds as good as, or better than, most of the artists getting R & B contracts these days, and that “Bury My Heart” song is growing on me. I know I’ve heard that melody before, who is she sampling?

K. Michelle, on the showcase: “I left the haters with their faces on the floor, I left my family excited and my friends overjoyed. A star was born.”

OK, then.

I’ve come to the conclusion that Karlie Redd would not get any airtime if it wasn’t for her stirring up shit. Where is her music? What projects is she working on? Where are her meetings with music execs?  Can you please get your own business, Karlie Redd? I can’t stand that ho. Anyway, she points to some chick in the audience and tells Mimi, “That’s the girl who said she fucked Stevie.”  Mimi, again, is looking like a fool, and when Stevie J comes over there to get a kiss, she tells him that she don’t want to kiss him. This is when Stevie turns into a little bitch and starts to demand that she give him a kiss.

Stevie: “What do you mean you are going to call when you are done?” “You going to show out?” “Gimme a kiss. Gimme a kiss.”

Dude, do you hear yourself?

Erica is thoroughly amused by the entire situation. She says that she didn’t know that Stevie was Mimi’s man/baby daddy, so she didn’t get why he was acting like that. For people who live in the same city, and who are filming a reality show together, they sure as hell don’t seem to know a lot about each other. Anyway, since Stevie is really just a woman with a big dick, he decides to step to her and starts to go off on her, calling her a bitch. Erica doesn’t back down, however, and tells him that she is not intimidated by him. As Stevie walks off, he calls her a, “disrespectful slut monkey.” Really? And what have you done to earn respect, Stevie J? What I like is how Mimi just sat there like a fucking lump on a log. She didn’t try to get him to stop or call him out on his bitchassedness. She just sat there looking like she is completely disconnected from the situation. Someone may want to check to see if she is on something, for reals.

Sidebar: On the Twitter last night, Mimi had this to say,“Doing the show was a blessing and a curse. Id still be in the dark and clueless had I not done it. The downside is dealing with the trurh (sic). It hurts to find out the man u loved so much was capable of doing the most but I’ve been given the gift of clarity. My new beginning begins. My only wish is for my daughter to learn from my mistakes and know her worth and never experience what I’ve been thru. I love her sooo much. But at the end of the day a very dysfunctional relationship produced the most pure love Ive ever experienced. My daughter. So no regrets.” 

The next day, Mimi and Stevie meet up in some parking lot to discuss the previous night’s altercation. Mimi says that Stevie had a bunch to say when they got home, but she locked him out of the bedroom. Do you believe her? I don’t believe her. She asks him why she went off on Erica and he said, just like the bitch that he is, that he just felt like going off on everyone. WTF, were you having PMS? To his credit, he does acknowledge that he was wrong and says that he wants to speak with Erica and apologize. They then start to talk about the latest chick that the Town Crier, Karlie Redd, said that he smashed. Stevie wants to know how many times they are going to go through this he-said, she said shit. Um, as long as you are fucking other women?  First, he says that there is no truth to it, then, he says that he has seen her in the studio once or twice, finally he says he doesn’t remember. Then he starts back at one – “But, I didn’t fuck that broad!”  “I can’t recall.” “I didn’t take that down!” “Can we just get passed it?” He also implies that the woman isn’t hot enough for him to sleep with. LOL. Mimi, again proving how naive she is, says that she doesn’t know of any women who runs around claiming to sleep with men that they didn’t sleep with. She tells him that he needs to check his bitches because they ain’t running shit. Stevie: “This your thing, baby.” Mimi: “You got to stop this bullshit, because I can’t take much more.” ::rolleyes::

Joseline meets with her next-door neighbor, who happens to be her “best friend,” to tell him that she is pregnant. Someone should have sat him down with an acting coach to better perfect his reaction. I thought I was watching Single Ladies for a minute. #Shade Ruben (her neighbor) wants to know if Joseline loves Stevie, and she says that she does. She has that love women get for a man who takes them out of the strip club, or off the track. He gave her an opportunity, and if it wasn’t for him, she would still be stripping. She says that she was one of six kids and that her mother did drugs for 25 years. She ran away at 12 years old and that she is just glad she ended up in a strip club and not dead.

Sidebar:  It’s clear that Stevie manipulates her by threatening to throw her back into that lifestyle, and honestly, I do feel bad for Joseline in that regard. My thing is, and always will be, that you can’t let your past dictate the way that you treat other people. It’s horrible that she has had to live the life that she has led, but it’s not the fault of the world, it’s the fault of her parents.  

At the end of the conversation, it’s obvious that Joseline has decided to have an abortion. She tells her friend that she is just going to do what she has to do.

Scrappy got two little boxes on his bed that he is filling up with clothes to take to his new spot. Erica tells him that she has been keeping something from him, because she didn’t know how he was going to take it.

It went a little something like…

Erica: “I met Stevie J.”

Scrappy: “I heard a lot about him.”

Erica: “Well, he came over to the table and demanded that Mimi give him a kiss.”

Scrappy: “She wouldn’t give him no kiss?”

Erica: “Nope.”

Scrappy: “She wouldn’t kiss him?”

Erica: “Nope.”

Scrappy: “Why wouldn’t she give him a kiss?”

Damn, Scrappy, can she tell the story?

Erica: “He called me a bitch.”

Scrappy: “What? Did he know you before this?” (What difference does that make?)

Erica: “Nope.”

Scrappy: “ Shawty, hell naw! We gon get a apology. Shawty. We gon get more than that, Shawty. You feel me? But… you know, I’m on probation right?”

OK, that is not at all verbatim, but mostly how I remember the conversation!

K. Michelle goes to Ariane’s place to get her “true opinion,” on what she thought of the showcase. What else is she going to say other than you did well? The real purpose of the visit is to discuss Karlie Redd’s messy ass. The night of the showcase, Karlie went up to K. Michelle’s producer and told him that he was messing with the wrong artist.

K. Michelle, in confessionals: “The last time I checked, no one is throwing out record deals to 50-year-old artists who don’t even have a Wikipedia page. Walking around here with a deflated ass cheek, she needs to deal with that shit first!” BITCH, YOU AINT’ GOT NO WIKIPEDIA PAGE?

 K. Michelle goes to meet with Jeff Robinson, who is a music manager who has worked with everyone from Tyrese to Alicia Keys.  She wants to know what she needs to move forward and Jeff is straight with her. He tells her that one of Jive Records former employees came to his office and told him that she was crazier than a bag of hammers. (Just how crazy IS a bag of hammers?) He tells her that her record deal was her opportunity to build something and, to the world, it looks as if she failed. KM says that it’s not fair and starts to cry and shit, whatever. She says that she messed up and should have kept her Hot Pocket closed. Jeff just wants her to understand how it happened and to learn from it. She tells him that she needs him to manage her. He says that she can always ask him for advice, but he has to keep it real. If they are going to work together, she has to take responsibility for herself and her brand. Girl, he does not want to work with you.

The show wraps up with the Mimi/Stevie/Joseline drama, as usual.

Joseline invites Mimi to meet her so she can tell her that she’s pregnant with Stevie’s baby. Getting straight to the point, Joseline tells Mimi that that time back in December, when Stevie stop coming home (a period of 3 months) it’s because he was with her. Joseline: “I know who baby I have in my stomach, and you know, too.” In confessionals, Mimi says that she is disgusted, but she’s not going to lose her cool because that’s what Joseline wanted. She tells Joseline that she knows what she is dealing with when it comes to Stevie, and… wait for it… “I am not fool.” ::sideeye:: ::smirk::

Mimi: “As far as you are concerned, you are a stripper. Do you even know who you are pregnant by?

Joseline: “I’m pregnant by your man.”

Mimi: “He pulled you out of the strip club.”

::Joseline gets a text::

Joseline: “This him texting me right now.”

Mimi: “Tell him to come up here.”

::Stevie walks in two seconds later:: (I mean, come on, you know he was on standby.)

Stevie: “What you letting her know?”

Mimi: “She tells me she’s pregnant by you.”

Stevie: “Is that what she said?”

::Stevie pulls pregnancy test out of pocket:: (The FUCK?)

Mimi (in confessionals): Who the fuck carries around the next chicks pregnancy test in their pocket?

Mimi: “When was the last time y’all fucked?”

Joseline:  “5 days ago.”

Stevie: “A month ago.”

Mimi: “If it was a month ago, it could be your baby.”

Mimi (in confessional): “You’re sloppy. You fucked this bitch raw, and then you want to come home and lay down with me?” Yea, you simple broad, that’s exactly what he wants to do and that’s what you ALLOW him to do.

::Mimi gets up::

Mimi: “Good luck with your baby.”

Stevie: “Where you going?”

Stevie says that she, er I mean, HE, is glad that she left because this was a conversation that he and Joseline needed to have first. You know, to get their stories straight.

The rest of the segment just devolves into them yelling at each other, Joseline throwing drinks, and pushing. Stevie pulls that, “I own you shit,” and tells her that he has papers on her for the rest of her life and that he is going to send her back to the strip club and that he gave her life. Blah blah blah.

Joseline, “I tire of you controlling me.”

Joseline says that Stevie always threatens to send her back to the strip club when he gets mad at her, but he can’t send her back to the strip club because she’s not going back. She calls Stevie a fucking piece of shit and he tells her to watch her mouth. She tells him that she doesn’t want to talk to him anymore, and he said that she will never be finished talking to him and to understand that and to watch how she speaks to him.

Stevie: “You look nice by the way.”

Seriously? Bitches fall for this bullshit? I bet he got hoes, right now, lining up to fuck him and be treated like a piece of dog shit. Ugh.

Next week’s episode shows the confrontation between Scrappy and Stevie, and I can’t wait. I want to see if Stevie is as quick to step to men as he is to step to women. I somehow doubt it…

Thanks for reading. Remember to follow me on the Twitter, @DeAnnaMisrahi, so that you are notified every time I post a new entry! Please share my blog with the peoples you know! Ciao.

Related articles

• Love and Hip-Hop, Season 1 Episode 2 Review & Recap (televisionseriesreviews.wordpress.com)
• ‘Love & Hip Hop Atlanta’ star Joseline attacked at viewing party (examiner.com)
• This Week in Drama: Love in Hip-Hop Atlanta, Pre-Review (plus) MeMpHiTz Radio Interview (televisionseriesreviews.wordpress.com)
• Joseline Hernandez CHOPS IT UP With Rickey Smiley, Says TRANSGENDER Jokes Took Their Toll (theflycandypost.com)
• Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta – Full Episode 3 [VIDEO] (hiphopwired.com)

True Blood, Season 5 Episode 3: Whatever I Am, You Made Me Review & Recap

True Blood: Whatever I Am, You Made Me

The beginning of  Episode 3 starts with visions of Tara wounds healing. The writers of the show have stated that the reason why Tara appeared to be so “feral” is because her brain had not fully healed. Hell, I just thought that her anger had magnified to such a degree that she had been rendered speechless. Sookie and Lafayette are as hot on her trail as two slow ass humans can be. Tara zips away from them and stumbles upon some potential prey – a young woman who is trying to change her tire. Try as she might, Tara just is not able to find it in her to take a bite of an innocent victim. Was it the cross hanging from the rearview mirror, or the reflection of herself that she saw in the window that changed her mind? Maybe it was a little bit of both. Either way, she apologizes to the girl and zips off. 

Back at The Authority, Salome and Roman are trying to decide what to do with Bill and Eric. Clearly, they do not want a vengeful Russell Edgington on the loose, but do they really need Bill and Eric to help capture him? Duh, of course they do! Bill and Eric will capture him, or die trying! However, it is not going to be THAT easy! First we need that chick from Big Love to fit them with training-bra-stakes that detonate remotely. There’s an app for that!

How did Steve Newlin become the new Nan Flanagen? Well, he is and it’s funny.

Sookie heads out to Fangtasia to solicit help from Pam, but Pam is busy power-tweeting, on the search for her maker. She doesn’t have time to deal with Sookie and her damn Tara drama. All Sookie wants her to do is summon the neophyte and she’ll be on her way, but Pam is just like, “Fuck all y’all!” and pushes Sookie away. This enrages Sookie just enough to use her faerie powers and zap Pam. That was a whole lot of useless drama. Moving on. Later, Sookie and Lafayette return to Sook’s place to clean up after Tazmanian Tara and continue to muse over what to do now that they’ve turned Tara. “We needs a plan, Hooker!”

At Merlottes, Tara has downed about a dozen True Bloods and is thirsty for more. Sam is trying to get her to tell him who turned her, but she doesn’t tell him. Of course, it doesn’t take him long to put two and two together when she begs him not to tell Sook and Lafayette that she’s there. When she passes out, Sam tucks here in the walk-in freezer for safe keeping.

Andy Bellefleur is a local sex symbol on account of his Witch’s kids putting up a picture of his bare naked behind on the Facebook. After chastising his coworkers for wasting time on porn sites, Debbie’s parents show up to discuss her going missing. Are they werewolves, too?

Jason runs into some woman at the super market, apparently she used to be his teacher and she screwed him when he was her pupil. My guestimation is that Jason would have been at least 14 at the time. Later in the episode we see him go over to her house and they sleep together again. After they are done sexing, Jason has an epiphany and realizes that his intimacy problems stems from this sick fuck of a teacher taking advantage of him at a young age. “You mean that’s why I’ve been with a V addict, an inbred werepanther and a teenage Vampire? ‘cause of you??” This storyline is particularly creepy/revolting after spending the last couple of weeks following the Jerry Sandusky trial.  ::shudders::

Arlene is still trying to get Terry to tell her what is going on with him and Patrick. Terry says he is a horrible liar, so he’s not going to lie to her. The conversation goes a little something like this:

Terry: “Me and Patrick are going somewhere.”

Arlene: “Where are you going.”

Terry: “Classified.”

Arlene: “What are you going to do there?”

Terry: “Classified.”

Arlene: “How long are you going to be gone?”

Terry: “Classified!”

Arlene: “Well, don’t expect me to be waiting for you when you get back!”

I really want them to hurry on up with this storyline. It feels like it is draaaaaaaaaagin’.

I don’t know nothing!

Lafayette and Sookie show up at this moment, looking to see if Tara had been to Merlottes, and feign concern for an emotionally distraught Arlene. Sookie goes to Sam’s office to ask him about Tara, and Sam does that thing people try to do around Sookie so that she cannot read their mind. Thinking in your head, “Don’t think about that giant secret I’m keeping,” doesn’t tend to work. Since the freezer was the only light-tight place that Sam could find, that’s where he stuck Tara. He done good. Now, all Lafayette and Sookie have to do is make sure that no one opens the door until the sun sets. That’s easy enough, right?

I like how the “Out of Order” sign has “DANGER” on it as well. What am I in danger from in the FREEZER?? I also like how Sookie just shows up randomly to work, whenever the mood hits her… or, when she’s not being hunted by a psycho vampire or a jealous werewolf. Lafayette is right though, trying to control Tara is like trying to keep a pet alligator in a bathtub.

Our next flashback to the early 1900’s reveals how Pam was ultimately turned. People have had mixed reactions about learning that Pam and Eric were once lovers and that Pam forced Eric to turn her, ultimately foisting herself onto him… You know, versus Eric choosing her because of her general, overall fabulousness. The trip back in time also reveals that Eric and Bill have known one another for a very long time. When they first met, Bill was but a testosterone-filled neophyte being led around by his sociopath of a maker, Lorraine. The duo was using Pam’s whorehouse as their very own human buffet. So, basically, Pam trades her goodies in exchange for Eric putting Lorraine/Bill in their place. I actually like the more human side of Pam and seeing a single bloody tear slide from her eye did pull at my heart strings a teeny bit! It’s tough being in love with someone you know you can never have. Awww, Pam!  Later on, we hear the lesson that Eric taught Pam on what it means to become a maker.  Abandoning a new vampire is akin to tossing a newborn baby into the gutter. I imagine this remembrance will lead to Pam taking her responsibility to Tara a little more seriously.

Debbie parents catch up to Alcide at work. They know that he and Debbie had a fight. It was more than a fight, however, because Alcide abjured her! “And, by the way, your daughter is a V addicted slut who likes to screw other werewolves!” Oh, and the parents are werewolves too because they start talking about werepack stuff and I zoned out. Sookie, girl, you better find that tooth hiding under your counter! They is coming fa ya!

Andy is going around, playing detective, and questioning folk about whether or not they’ve seen Debbie. Sookie isn’t really a good liar, but since Andy isn’t the greatest detective, it doesn’t really matter. “Now, your brother said that you said that Debbie was batshit crazy! What does that even mean?” Uh, that she was batshit crazy! (See: Michelle Bachmann) “I bet she wasn’t too keen on you and Alcide being friends like you are. Is you banging him on the side?” Meanwhile, Lafayette is in the background, ‘bout to catch the vapors. We’s fuxed. And our asses is going to jail.”

Earlier in the episode, Roman tasked Salome to “Find out everything” she can from Bill and Eric prior to releasing them. Well, apparently the best way to do that is by having vampire sex, so naturally, she has to screw them both. Before screwing Eric, Salome let’s him know that she knew that Nora was his sister, and that she is surprised that he didn’t even try to save her. As if he could have. Pfft!  What is fascinating to me is how poorly these Authority members manipulate Bill and Eric. They have not fallen for one damn thing that they have tried to pull on them. Did she think that Bill and Eric (BFFs fa life!) wouldn’t tell one another that they smashed her? Really? During Nora’s torture session, she reveals that she is, indeed, sanguinist and that she wishes Lilith would rise from the ashes to rip mainstreamers heads off. She longs for her to dance in their muck.  Geez, melodramatic much?

Jessica is at some “podunk” boutique, trying on cheap dresses when, what I presume is, a faerie walks in. She’s in the dressing room getting dressed when she smells him and gets all kinds of excited. “You smell awesome, what are you?” ::fang boner:: The faerie runs away from the boutique, jumps into his car, and drives to the middle of some field where Jessica, who is tracking him, is left to spin in circles as she inhales his yummy faerie essence! Aroused by this encounter, Jessica makes her way over to her fuck buddy’s house, Jason, but he’s all wallowing in his pity and isn’t up for getting it up. “I ain’t some mechanical bull you can come and ride on when you feel like it.” Jessica convinces him that she can just be his buddy, without the fuck, and that she wants to be there for him. Awww. I do love that Jessica. Oh, and if you ever wanted to know what faerie blood smells like, it apparently smells like cotton candy, fresh baked bread and sex. Wow.

WTF, Hoyt? Seriously? Guyliner? Seriously? FANGTASIA? SERIOUSLY?  I just can’t… That kid is a lost cause.

Back at Merlottes, Tara awakens to a red-headed Arlene amongst slabs of hanging red meat. That’s fitting because Tara rises up and bites the hell out of Arlene, draining her dry of every drop of blood! Haha, just kidding. It was all just a dream. When she really does wake up, Lafayette is handing her a True Blood, “Drank up, Hooker.”

Meanwhile, Alcide has cornered Sookie, telling her about how Debbie is missing and how worried he is. “You know how she back on that V. Bitch is batshit crazy!” Sookie tries to play it off, but seriously, who can keep lying to someone as fine as Alcide? I mean, it’s one thing lying to Andy, but Alcide? Later, Sookie confesses to Alcide that she killed Debbie, and he loses his ever-loving mind. Uh-oh! I hope he doesn’t tell! Who are we kidding? We know he loves him some Sookie. Once he calms down, it’ll be all about him protecting her again. Geez, you would think Sookie was a vampire and that she had fed Alcide some of HER blood. At least we know it’s real love and he ain’t after her for a taste of her faerie blood. Anyway, too bad they are in Lousiana, and not in Florida, because apparently you can chase a motherfucker down and shoot them all in the name of “Standing Your Ground” down there. So, she would have, like, been TOTALLY been in the clear. (And, NO, I am not talking about the George Zimmerman case, click the link. )

Rewind: Before any of that confession stuff happens, we hear Tara tossing Lafayette around, and a loud clang.

Arlene: “What in tarnation?”

::Sookie sees Tara exit the walk-in:: “Tara! What in the world are you doing in there, you silly thing?”

Tara: “You got to be shitting me.”

I know, right?

Salome gets her third dick in one night – I mean, ew – this time, from Roman. All he takes off is his top, however, and I am not happy! I WILL see some Christopher Meloni ass before this is all said and done! I DEMAND IT! ::shakes fist:: He did look nice and muscly though. Yummy!

Back at Merlottes, Arlene gets under Lafayette’s skin when she chastises him, in her passive aggressive way, about having his own cousin turned into a vampire. She rattles him so much that his witchdoctor-voodoo self pops out and adds a gallon of bleach to his gumbo. Eek! Thankfully, Lafayette catches himself and dumps the batch. “I’m losing my mind, Hooker!”

By the way, when are they going to tell us what the fuck happened to Jesus?

The episode ends with Tara breaking into a tanning salon and trying to kill herself by lying beneath the UV rays.

Pam senses her: “You stupid bitch.”

Well, that is my review for this week. It’s all kinds of late, but well… I can’t spend ALL of my time doing reviews. Especially not the way that I like to do them.

Please be sure to follow me on the Twitter, @DeAnnaMisrahi, and follow my blog to keep up with all  of my reviews! Ciao!

Related articles

• True Blood, Season 5 Episode 2: Authority Always Win, Recap & Review (televisionseriesreviews.wordpress.com)
• True Blood – That Darn Salome! (televisionwithoutpity.com)
• True Blood June 24 Recap: Will Pam rescue Tara a second time? (bitingremarks.wordpress.com)
• True Blood Season 5, Episode 1: Turn, Turn, Turn, Review and Recap (televisionseriesreviews.wordpress.com)
• The Best True Blood Season Premiere Review (costumesupercenter.com)

Love and Hip-Hop, Season 1 Episode 2 Review & Recap

Love and Hip Hop Review – Season 1, Episode 2

To read my episode 3 review, click here.

BEWARE: Profanity below. Be sure to check out my Love and Hip Hop, Week in Drama.

So, “the day following” the dustup at the club with Stevie J and Josheline, Ariane and Mimi are talking about the events that unfolded. Ariane wants to know how Mimi feels. “I am hurt. I am Pissed Off. I am embarrassed. I am disgusted.” (Waits for Momma Dee to pop out and say, “And, in THAT order!” Hood for dayz….) Ariane thinks that Mimi is “addicted to” Stevie, and she is willing to do all she can to break Mimi of that addiction. This is the second episode where she is mentioning Stevie’s dick, and in case you missed it, Stevie released pics of his dick – right along with RhiannaMan releasing pics of herself naked and a video of her rubbing one out. Seriously, watch at your own risk. Mimi is still going on and on about how she and Stevie have a kid together and it disturbs me that she does not realize that she is setting her daughter up to think that it is OK to accept a man treating you like pure doo-doo, all in the name of love. At the end of this segment, she “appears” to be unable answer whether or not she is going to leave Stevie.

This week, we are introduced to Rasheeda. She is a female, underground hip-hop entertainer. She has been married for 12 years to her husband, Kirk, and they have an 11-year-old named Kai, together. Rasheeda has 4 step childrens. That’s a lot! She has been signed to both Motown and Jive record, but they never understood her as an artist, so that shit didn’t work out. She went independent. We see inner cuts of her in some video with Kandi. (Full disclosure: I don’t listen to hip-hop music, nor do I watch videos, so I have not one clue who anyone is on this show.  From what I understand, most of them are not even well known to people who do follow hip-hop, so I guess they haven’t made much of a mark in the industry; or, they simply are no longer relevant.)

Kirk and Rasheeda are at their lovely home, in the kitchen, discussing what song Rasheeda will release first from her upcoming album. Besides being her husband, Kirk is also her manager. He has loads of confidence in his woman and her capabilities, which is awesome. They are debating between two songs, “Legs to the Moon” and “Marry Me.” I have to agree with Rasheeda that “Legs to the Moon” is more intriguing, going by the title alone, but her husband believes that “Marry Me” should be released first; and, since Rasheeda has not made the best decisions about such matters in the past, she probably should listen to her husband this time. So, “Marry Me,” it is.

Karlie Redd decides to pay a visit to Stevie J’s studio to see if he is cool with her ratting him out to his woman. In the real world, ie, not on a “reality” TV show, that would be a done deal. How will it pan out on Love & Hip-Hop? Well, we will have to wait a moment before we find out because the only man at the studio right now is Jose; and, she is wearing another tragic weave. She wants to know why Karlie spilled the beans about how she and Stevie J were behaving at the restaurant. Karlie tries to explain to Shenellica Joseline that if she doesn’t want anyone to know what she and Stevie have going on, she probably should not flaunt it. Joseline continues to deny that she and Stevie J kissed, and since we weren’t shown that footage, we have no clue whether or not Karlie is lying. It’s easy enough for them to have kissed when the cameras stopped rolling. I gotta say though, I like how Joseline goes from admitting that Stevie J was fucking her in episode 1, to demanding people show her proof of them kissing and “sexing” in episode 2. Boy Girl, shut up.

Sidebar: All joking aside, I do believe that Joseline is a female with manly features. The word is “androgynous.” Normally, I would not go in on someone about their looks/features, because that is not something that they can change. She has masculine bone structure but she cannot do anything about that. The problem is that she set herself up as the villainous sidepiece from the start, which means that I just cannot feel much sympathy for her. If she were a good person, people would react differently. Would some people still make fun of her for “looking like a man?” Yes, but she would have more people defending her.  I don’t even hold it against her that she has a stripper/prostituting past.

Anyway, Karlie is explaining to Joseline that she just wants to work with Stevie. Joseline needs Karlie to know that she is Steve’s number 1 priority. (Remember, she plans to make him a brazillian dollars? Seriously, I hardly understand what she is saying half the time, but I can totally see her thinking Brazillian is an actual number.) Karlie is not going to get in her way, but she appreciates Karlie’s old ass giving her advice. How old is Karlie anyway? People keep calling her old.

It’s time for Stevie J to “pop in” on Mimi, while she is out cleaning a home. She owns a cleaning service. (No shade to housekeepers, that’s hard, honest work!) He says that he was, “Looking a little bananas,” at K. Michelle’s party, and his attempts to call Mimi has not worked and he really needs to speak with her. He tells Mimi that his family is the most import thing in his life and that they are his number one priority; behind that dick of his, clearly. “At the end of the day, I love you, but working is how I get my money.” What part of “working” includes being sexually active with your artists? Someone please let me know.

Mimi wants to know what is going on with Stevie and Joseline.

Mimi: “Why would she throw a drink at you?”

Stevie:  “Uh, duh… I don’t know. She probably —- I don’t know!”

Mimi: “I want you to look me in my face and tell me you are not fucking this girl.”

Stevie: (with smile on face) “No, I’m not.”

Mimi: “Why the fuck is you smiling then?”

Stevie: (trying to hide smile on face) “No, I’m not fucking her.”

Mimi: “Have you ever fucked her?”

Stevie: “We ain’t fucking.” You know, like, at this very minute.

Mimi: “I don’t believe you. Why were y’all beefing?”

Stevie: “We were beefing because we were 2 hours late to the studio.”

Man, whatever. I can’t believe that Mimi has put up with this shit, on and off, for 15 years. Stevie wants to “talk serious” for a minute. He wants to cut Mimi in on a “couple” percent of the business. A couple of percent is actually 5% in his world. He wants to give Mimi 5% of the profits from Joseline’s project. What is this fool smoking? Mimi says, fuck that, she wants 10% of everything. She says, “I am ready to hit Stevie in the only place he is going to feel it, in his wallet.” Stevie wants to know what time she’ll be done because he wants to see her. Mimi says that she is going to be tired, maybe he can call tomorrow. Awww, look at her trying to play like she has some kind of back bone!

Question: When did repeating one line repeatedly become a suitable chorus for a song? I’m sorry but, anyone – literally ANYONE – can write lyrics like  these. I find this shit weak and offensive to my sensibilities. Oh, what am I talking about? This “Marry Me” song, which is supposedly a “female anthem,” you know, according to Rasheeda.

“Put it on em, make them want to marry me.” Over and over and over again. I’m sorry, but this shit is just whack.  Maybe they should have gone with “Legs to the Moon” after all.

Anyway, Rasheeda is speaking to her husband about what she expects for her next video. She wants a real director, a full storyboard, more than one camera, etc etc. Kirk says he needs her to be 100% on the video, and not just phone it on, as she sometimes tend to do. She said she gon’ be ready. “You know I am going to deliver because that’s what the fuck I do. When it’s time to be there, and there is time for something to be done, I’m going to be front and center.” Alright then, I guess we’ll see about that.

Erica has not had a real relationship with her mother for about 10 years, but since reconnecting, her mom has been trying to be in her life. They speak for a while about Scrappy, over frozen desserts. She wants to know if Erica is serious about making it work. I never believe Erica when she says that she is, honestly. She does seem like one of those people who hides her emotions behind a thick wall. I recognize it because I tend to be that way as well. Her mom says that she just wants Erica to be happy and that she knows that Scrappy can do more, because she has seen him do more. Erica says that it just seems that way to her mother, from the outside looking in, but things are good. And, even if things don’t work out with Scrappy, all that matters is that her child is happy. They then start to talk about when Erica’s mom was on crack, and sent to prison. Erica was sent to NY to live with her aunt and uncle. She said she would watch letters come to the house, from her mom, but her mom wouldn’t send her letters and she would go to church on Sundays, when she was 8, and just pray to get a letter from her. This part of the episode was truly heart wrenching, and I did feel Erica’s pain in that moment. As scripted as the actual set-ups are, on this show, this conversation was 100% real. For the record, her mom claims she wrote her letters but she thought that Erica was ashamed of her. Erica says that what she’s gone through has just made her stronger.

Mimi and Stevie J go to dinner and Stevie has a “grown and sexy” set up for them. Mimi says that Stevie has been really sweet since the night at the club, but she has a surprise for that ass. She pulls out some paperwork. She is asking for 20% of his profits from all projects. She wants to be partners with him.  In confessional, Mimi is saying that it is less than the 50% she should be getting for putting up with his bullshit over the years.  Stevie J’s counter offer is 10%, and it seems that later on Mimi accepts the 10%, although at the time she acts as if she’s not trying to hear that.  In confessionals, Stevie says, “When Mimi hit me with that paperwork, I was like, ‘Wooooooooow,’” what is he channeling Flavor Flav now? Good God. Anyway, he just says he wants to see her smile again, (have you considered keeping your dick in your pants?) and he plays a song for her at the piano. Mimi just has a shit-eating grin plastered on her face, because she’s eating all of that bullshit up with a spoon.  And Saving Our Daughters think that THIS chick is what teenagers need to look up to? GTFO! Oh, and by the way, Stevie’s voice sucks.

Meanwhile, Kirk is at a studio in Doraville (no, Boots ain’t nowhere around) waiting on Rasheeda to arrive. She shows up two hours late. Basically, Rasheeda is late because she does not have a stylist, and she has a lot on her plate with being a mom and an artist and her own stylist. Kirk fucks her vibe all the way up with his attitude, but truthfully, she’s being a diva. It is easy enough to call or text and let people know you are running late, because when it comes to shooting a video time IS money and having the video run over is going to take more money from their budget. She accuses Kirk of “fiddle-faddling” on the phone while she is doing real work. Well, I imagine that those people didn’t just materialize out of thin air and that Kirk probably had something to do with that, but anyway. After crying for a second outside, she comes back in to do the video to that WHACK ASS SONG, “Marry Me.”

Mimi goes to Karlie’s house so that they can catch up. Karlie apologies and says that if she had known that Mimi and Stevie J were together, she would not have said anything. Who believes that shit? Mimi says that there is no need to apologize if she didn’t know. Karlie goes on to rub salt in Mimi’s wounds by talking about the chemistry she witnessed between Joseline and Stevie. She says that it was clear to her that they were fucking. “Why you calling your manager, Daddy? I would never call my manager Daddy.” I want to know why ANY women calls the man they are fucking Daddy, PERIOD. Seriously, is this something women who don’t have, and have never had, fathers in their lives do?

Mimi: “Do you honestly think they are sleeping with each other?”

Ugh, I just can’t handle this simple broad.

Now that that is out of the way, Karlie needs to let Mimi know that she really wants to work with Stevie. You gotta love that bitch. (I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible.) She tells Mimi that Joseline is making it seem as if she is the boss and she’s running shit. Mimi says that’s not the case because Joseline works for both she and Stevie J. She tells Karlie about that 10% she has accepted from Stevie. She says, “He and I are going to partner up.” I can’t tell if she is just talking shit, or if she and Stevie have actually signed some papers. It almost came across as if she was saving face.

Stevie and Joseline are back in the studio.

Joseline (in confessional): “I have so musch love for Stevie! I owe him so musch and he will get rewarded for that. I love Stevie. Everyone else, I don’t give a fuck about!”

Joseline (in studio): “I have something else I need to talk to you about.” Camera zooms in on her face. “No fairy godmother this month.”

Stevie: “Huh?”

Joseline: “I don’t know if it’s my nerves but I have to go to the doctor to make sure nothing is going on with me.”

Stevie:  “How late is you?”

Josaline: “Almost a month. Three weeks.”

(Pause): That make-up job is TRAGIC.

Stevie: “Is it 3 weeks or a month?” (Yea bitch, get it right! This is important!)

Joseline: “Three weeks is almost a month.”

Stevie ain’t trying to hear it. “What else is good with you? We shouldn’t even be having this conversation, period.” If she was having periods, you wouldn’t be having this conversation! hahaha!

Anyway, is he serious? It doesn’t matter, because Mimi rolls in to lay down the law. She lets Joseline know that she is now Stevie’s business party and that Joseline works for her. Joseline tells Mimi that she is not running shit. Mimi asks Stevie what his feelings were on working with Karlie Redd. Stevie says that Karlie is a rat, and that he wasn’t feeling it. Joseline tries to pipe up and give her opinion, and Mimi shuts that shit down. She said it is not Joseline’s decision. In the end, Stevie sides with Mimi and agrees it’s about getting paid, at the end of the day. So, suck on that Joseline… Never mind, you might like it.

At Erica’s house, Scrappy drops in. They get past a little small talk and the discussion moves on to how Scrappy gets when he is stressed out and how he wears his emotion on his sleeves. He says when he is going through stuff, he just wants to be left alone, so this means he needs his own spot, where Erica can’t give him an attitude and ask him about where he is going. (How dare she?!) Scrappy says that he would tell her if he didn’t really want to work on their relationship. Erica says, truthfully, she and Scrappy work best apart. Whatever. At this point, it’s clear that neither of them are serious about a relationship and that they are doing this for the show. Do what you gotta do.

“You need to mind your business Karlie Redd. It’s time for me to give this bitch a reality check.” That’s what Joseline has to say about Karlie; and she means it. She “tracks Karlie down” at a gym, much in the same way Stevie tracked down Mimi earlier in the episode – meaning the producers set up the altercation. Joseline “asks” Karlie to please stop going behind her back asking to work with Stevie and to not talk to Mimi about her. Karlie thinks that both Joseline and Mimi are jokes at this point. One minute, one is telling her that she’s running shit, the next the other is saying that she runs it. She says she needs to know who Stevie J’s manager is. Karlie then proceeds to act as if she isn’t the one volunteering information to Mimi about what she has observed between Joseline and Stevie, saying that it is Mimi who is talking about Joseline, not her.  Joseline says that Karlie will work with Stevie J if she allows him to work with her. When will side-hos learn? You have no real power. It’s up to the man, who is using you like a cum receptacle, to make you feel as if you have power. THAT’S IT!

At the end of the episode, Joseline gets another dramatic “video ho entrance” when she arrives at the studio. She goes right into the bathroom, with the cameras, squats over the toilet and pisses on the pregnancy test. If she wasn’t a ho, this would be shocking. But, since she is, it isn’t. Of course, I doubt that she even actually pissed on it. It was one of those classic, TV scenes with people passing around a pissy pregnancy test as if it wasn’t just pissed on. I mean she has it all up in her purse. Who does that?

She brings Stevie the pregnancy test and he wants to know why she is bringing it to him. Because she’s picking you to be that baby daddy, dummy. When she walks into the studio, she is all “upset” and crying. Stevie wants to know why she’s upset. She tells him and he is like, “So, whatcha gon do?” Actually, that’s how Chris Rock asked it in his, “Never Scared” comedy routine. Stevie J wasn’t nearly as humorous, in fact, he was a complete dick about it. He starts talking about how she has photo shoots coming up, and all of this choreography she is going to need to be doing – basically, he’s pointing out that she can’t be pregnant and do that. It’s clear that his solution is to have her abort the baby. Eventually, he presses her on who the dad is, and she finally says that, over the last six months, the only guy she has been fucking is him.

Next week should be interesting! Sorry for any typos, I will proofread and fix it (again) tomorrow.

Remember to follow me on Twitter, @DeAnnaMisrahi, and follow my blog. Peace.

Related articles

• Series Premiere – Love & Hip Hop Atlanta, Season 1 Episode 1: The ‘A’ List Review (televisionseriesreviews.wordpress.com)
• This Week in Drama: Love in Hip-Hop Atlanta, Pre-Review (plus) MeMpHiTz Radio Interview (televisionseriesreviews.wordpress.com)
• Mean Mugging! Check Out The Mug Shots of 3 ‘Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta’ Cast Members (crunktastical.net)
• Three Things We Know About Joseline Hernandez ‘Love & Hip Hop Atlanta’ So Far (crunktastical.net)
• Love & Hip Hop ATL :: Momma Dee, Stevie J & All The Drama (jessicasimien.com)

Series Premiere – Hollywood Exes, Season 1 Episode 1 Review

HOLLYWOOD EXES

The Exes (L-R): Jessica Canseco, Mayte Garcia, Nicole Murphy, Andrea Kelly, and Sheree Fletcher

She has a nice ass, though!

On the season premiere of Hollywood Exes, we are first introduced to Andrea Kelly. She was married to R & B singer, and hebephile, R Kelly for 10 years. They have three children together and have been divorced for three years.. For some reason, they think that we want to see her swinging around a stripper pole, and that is one of the first images we are greeted with. She and R Kelly met because she was his principle dancer and they grew closer and fell in love. Awwww! Although being marred to Robert Kelly brought its fair share of glitz and glam, most of the public did not realize he was married (I know I didn’t know) and she felt like she wasn’t getting her just do. Their relationship, as it stands right now, is nonexistent. She is moving to LA to film this show start over and she is hoping to open a dance studio there.  Tony is her friend, confidante and assistant of four years and she does not know what she would do without him. Her children are going to stay in Chicago for now, because they are in school and she wants to be settled in LA before she uproots them. Ugh, she’s doing that ugly face cry thing (with little to no tears) that reality starlets think they have to do a half a dozen times per season. Please stop! That shit is tremendously annoying. When I see people fake-cry, it automatically makes me not like them and think that they are 100% disingenuous. Anyway, she is just so thrilled to be moving to LA because her “good friend” of 2 to 3 years, Nicole Murphy lives there.  

Speaking of Nicole Murphy, it is time to head on out to Los Angeles to meet her. As we all know, she was married to Eddie Murphy for 12 ½ years. The couple has five kids together and they have been divorced for about six years. She goes through the perks of being married to Eddie Murphy; the 40,000 square foot home, the private jet and having Johnny Gill take her man away the option of driving any high priced vehicle she desired. She then goes on to lament about how difficult it was for her to go from that to having to ride on airplanes with plebs and not having a chef anymore. She does this whilst traipsing around a home most of us would give our best friend’s right nut to have. Yea, I don’t feel bad for you, boo. She’s currently engaged to Michael Strahan, an ex-NFLer who is now filling gigs as a Jerome Bettis impersonator a commentator for FOX Sunday Football. Nicole is also working on several business ventures; something as unique (and not at all overdone) as a fashion line. She’s not a cliché at all.

Next up is Sheree Fletcher. She was married to Will Smith for three years, you know waaay back in the day before he became Will Smith? They share a 19-year-old son, which means child support ran out a year ago; hence, her doing this show. (I kid, I kid)  She and Will met during a taping of “A Different World,” and they were married within eight months. I’m surprised that didn’t last! She, now, develops her own line of skincare products, and she is married to Pastor, and ex-football player, Terrell Fletcher. The couple only see each other a few times a week because her husband’s “assignment” is to preach in San Diego. Why can’t she move there?

Nicole decides to take Sheree to a store to look at jewelry priced at hundreds of thousands of dollars, knowing that neither of them are actually going to purchase them. Sheree says that she and Nicole have known each other for about 17 years because their exes knew each other back in the day. I don’t understand the lady with the green hair, who is standing behind the counter. I guess once you’ve made it as jewelry designer to the stars, you can wear any color hair you want.

Mayte Garcia was married to Prince for four years, twelve years ago. She and Prince met when she was 16 years old, once she graduated from high school, she joined the band as a dancer.  She said, “I thought I was getting married for the rest of my life, and it didn’t.” Mensa Model alert. Her mother lives with her, kind of. She stays in the guesthouse out back. She’s an animal hoarder with five dogs, two cats, two fishes, five birds, plus two extra dogs out back. (So, you mean you have seven dogs?) She claims to be an actress and that she has been on many TV shows. (Which ones?) Now, she is looking to be in movies and, apparently, being on a reality TV show is the answer. (Hey, it worked to get Nene Leakes on Glee. ::shrugs:: Maybe Mayte, too, can play a stereotype.) She has her house and animals, now she just needs a man to share it with. She may want to start with getting rid of some of those damn animals and getting her mom an apartment off property.

We meet Jessica Canseco, ex-wife of Jose Canseco, and the only part of her face that moves is her mouth. Somewhat distracting. Anywho, she met Jose when she was 19 years old while she was a waitress at some dive in Cleveland. The two had a “whirlwind romance.” They were married for four years, and have been divorced for eleven. They have a fifteen-year-old daughter together, Josie. We see her in the car with her daughter, joking about her boobs hurting as her daughter slams her fingers into one of her tits. She says that their relationship is more that of a buddy/friend, which is probably not a good thing. She owns a cosmetic line and a tattoo business. The last thing she wants right now is a relationship. She also proves that she is usually the “fun one” in the group as she flashes her cooch at a room full of people. Mayte and Jessica meet up to talk about their famous exes and channel Shania Twain’s, “That Don’t Impress Me Much,” when they state that men, in the same field as their exes, can never live up to them. Mayte especially has a point. Steroids is all a baseball player needs to get to Jose Canseco status. JUST SAYING.

Apparently, there are no 8 lane freeways in Chicago, and Andrea Kelly has never seen a freeway with that many lanes. It is sort of stressing her out. She and her assistant are driving along, somewhere near Santa Monica, discussing whether that area would be good for her dance studio. People are honking their horns at them, because Andrea is driving like an old lady. She has decided that she will get a driver, because driving is just so hard! “Where is my Xanax?”

Jessica and Nicole get together for a vaginal rejuvenation session. Jessica says that the procedure is great because it makes everything the same color, and makes “it” look like a 12-year-old’s. “You can’t hide your age with your vagina,” she says.  Nicole is all up in her vag, and she is impressed with how well lasering a snatch works. She says something about the flap plumping up, etc. She is surprised when Jessica flips over to get her asshole done. “Why would anyone need to get THAT done? No one is looking at that!” I guess we finally know why she and Eddie Murphy didn’t work out. Yup, that was loads of shade. You know, in case you missed it. No sex for a week, but it didn’t seem to hurt much.

Jessica: “You wanna go to lunch?”

Nicole: “Yea, like, I have no appetite now. How about a drink?”

Mayte hires a matchmaker to come to her home to help her find a man. (Apparently, this is going to be her storyline) The matchmaker wants to get a sense of the type of men she has dated in the past. This, of course, is the perfect segue to her letting the matchmaker know that she was once married to Prince. She went from Prince to Tommy Lee, who she was with for two years. They broke up, according to her, because he wasn’t sure if he wanted more kids. The matchmaker wants to know if she feels that, because she has been with a couple of really famous men, it defines her as a dater. ::raises hand in seat and hops up and down:: “OOO, OOO, I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS ONE! PICK ME! PICK ME!!” Of course, Mayte says, “No, not at all.” I have a feeling that she wears the status of “Ex-wife to Prince” like a badge of honor, and she throws it into the face of any guy who ever dates her. I could be wrong, however, it’s just a sense that I get!

Nicole and Sheree met with one another for lunch and it’s clear that they both just left the tanning salon as they are 4 shades darker than normal. It’s all good, brown skin is gorgeous, it just looks very unnatural to me.  Anyway, Nicole has something super duper heavy to share with Sheree.  (It’s Nicole’s turn to cry.) Nicole’s money was stolen from one of her trust accounts, and now she is suing. It was her savings and the money to grown her businesses. When you are rich, you have to stay on top of what is going on with your money, because people WILL take advantage.  All Sheree can do is sit there and shake her head in feigned concern.

Andrea gets a call from Nicole to invite her to dinner so that she can introduce her to everyone; of course, Andrea says yes.

Jose Canseco and Jessica get together to discuss moving in together. They both can date whomever they want, but their daughter will have both of their parents under the same roof if they do this. I think he just wants to be on the show. I mean, what else does he have going for him these days? He is trying to get back into baseball, but no one is trying to hear that. What did he expect after he wrote that book? Seriously? When you start to call people out for doping, you have to expect an ice cold shoulder. Anyway, Jessica is like “No way Jose!” I couldn’t resist. She is “shocked” by this proposal, but she wants to know who is paying all the bills. He hasn’t paid child support in seven years, so it is funny that he actually tries to suggest that she cover the bills since he covered them all when they were married. Child, please. At any rate, he wants her answer ASAP.

Nicole has planned a party to welcome Andrea to the city and introduce her to the rest of the women. As Nicole and the other women are sitting around, waiting for Andrea, she says that she didn’t know that R Kelly was married, and all the women co-sign that shit. Seriously, who knew? We hear a bunch of gushes of, “Oh my goodness,” and “Oh my God!” as Andrea walks in. Why? I doesn’t know. After introductions are out of the way, and the food is brought out, Sheree chastises the women about digging into their food before praying. So, they pray. I sense a bit of bible thumping in our future.

Sheree wants to know what R Kelly thought about Andrea moving out to LA. She says there was no reaction. I guess he doesn’t care if his kids are hundreds of miles away? She wants to know when it gets to the “good part,” after a divorce. Sheree says you have to forgive and they just generally reassure her that it will get better. Drink and focus on the kids. That’s the solution. They discuss their men cheating on them, and how difficult it is with women throwing their pussies at them 24/7. Sheree says that she lost herself with being married to someone famous. Jessica shares with the women that Jose wants to move in with her and the women just think that that is a hoot. They suggest that she does not do it, but she is seriously considering it. “We must have been some bad mamma jamma’s to pull these mens!” says, Sheree, though, not verbatim.

It’s time for the “partying” portion of the evening.  I can tell that Andrea’s friend is going to be messy. He just seems like the type. His comment about not liking “such and such’s” dress, on whomever he was talking about, just came across as snarky to me. 15 years ago, Sheree woke up with a tattoo on her butt, behind some tequila drinking, so she is going to pass on the shots. Nicole comments on all of the leering that Jose is doing as Jessica is on the dance floor and surmises that he must still be in love with her. To me, he just looks creepy.

All in all, this was just a basic introduction episode, where the public can get to know who the heck these women are, and who they were married to. I will say that they all were married to people who were pretty big in their fields at some point, and some still are. It’s not like with Basketball Wives, where I haven’t even heard of ANY of the men outside of Antoine Davis, Dwight Howard and Shaquille O’Neal. And, all of these women were actually married to their exes at some point. Not just some jump offs or side pieces that never had a chance in hell of getting a ring, let alone walking down the aisle.

The previews look like they may have some dustups, mostly involving Jessica. Jessica is a wild child, and it is no surprise that she and the preacher’s wife are butting heads. Jessica also gets into it with Mayte, when she calls her crazy. All I got to say about that is, if you don’t want people to think you are crazy, you probably shouldn’t overreact and start breaking glasses. I’m just saying.

Hollywood Exes premieres June 27th at 10pm on VH1. If you want to watch this episode prior to then, check out VH1.com.

Well, that’s it for this review. If you like what you’ve read here, be sure to follow my blog, follow me on Twitter (@DeAnnaMisrahi) and share it with the people you know! Ciao!

 

Related articles

• Hollywood Exes (givemeda411.wordpress.com)
• Exclusive Interview With Mayte Garcia (Ex-Wife of Prince) – VH1′s “Hollywood Exes” (charlidholbrook.com)
• The Ladies Of “Hollywood Exes” (romeosank.wordpress.com)
• Hollywood Exes star Andrea talks R. Kelly divorce and series (examiner.com)
• Meet The Ladies Of New Reality Show “Hollywood Exes” [PHOTOS] (hellobeautiful.com)

True Blood, Season 5 Episode 2: Authority Always Win, Recap & Review

Authority Always Wins

“TARA! That is Sookie! You is killing her!” That is the first line of episode 2 of  True Blood. As you may recall, at the end of the season premiere, Tara pops out of the ground like a pop tart, attacks Sookie, pins her up against a tree, and bites her real good. Since Pam is just standing there with a smirk on her face, it is up to Lafayette to try and save Sook, but Tara just flings him away. Pam stands by, thoroughly amused by the scene playing out before her, but still does nothing. We are ALL amused, Pam! Eventually she does save Sookie and commands Tara not to bite Sookie and Lafayette before tossing her into the house. She tells Sook and Lafayette that they are on their own.

The Authority ends up being this super secret, hidden secret, underground secret, society (or perhaps government is a better word) where all of the Mega Vampires go to play; and, to devise plans to mainstream. Mainstreaming is like, very super duper important to these people and they mean to eliminate any obstacles that stand in the way of accomplishing that goal.

Anyway, Bill, Eric, and Nora are taken to a building that appears to be a giant warehouse, in the middle of nowhere. Inside, we meet Mega Vamp Salome. She’s none-too-pleased with Nora’s betrayal and pimp slaps her as she attempts to convince Salome that she really was not going behind her back to free Bill & Eric. Salome doesn’t buy it; I mean, even someone with below average intelligence (Jason, for instance) wouldn’t buy that one. Although the building looks like a warehouse above ground, underground it is a whole other world. Think the White House. They enter this official looking reception area and I get this sense of sci-fi, complete with guards that look vaguely like Storm Troopers – without the helmets. Still, there is a touch of history with an antique oil painting of Roman, The Authority’s… “president?” on the wall, and a stone tablet with ancient text behind the receptionist’s desk.

The trio is escorted to a holding area and they are deposited into separate cells. Perhaps that is a good thing. Eric and Nora may not have been able to resist one last shagging before meeting the True Death. One other prisoner is already there, and he looks as if he has been tortured into within an inch of his life. It appears that his body can no longer heal itself completely, and he is just this deformed mess.Yuck! It seems that he has a thing for eating newborn “succulent” babies. (Why they don’t just kill him, I’m not sure, but does it really matter?) Soon we learn how The Authority administers at least one form of torture when they turn on UV Lights to burn the hell out of their prisoners. As it turns out, they aren’t fond of being lied to and when Bill suggests that he was the mastermind behind their failed escape, and that they should let Eric and Nora go, it pisses them off. Sizzle and Burn, baby!

Elsewhere, reluctant Pack Master, Alcide looks on as his pack continues to devour the corpse of Marcus. Alcide isn’t hungry enough to feast on the guts and intestines of the werewolf he killed, and passes on the offer. Apparently, it’s disrespectful to turn down a helping of dead Were-innards, and before Alcide can leave, Marcus’s mother lets him know that, although her son wasn’t perfect, he deserves respect. Mothers are often so blind. When I said that Alcide is a “reluctant pack master,” I mean he has absolutely no intentions of leading the pack – at all. Marcus’s mom (I really don’t know her name) says what he wants is irrelevant to their laws. I have a feeling that before it’s all said and done, Alcide will be Pack Master.

Did you know that Terry Bellefleur has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Well, that shit has gotten 10x worse now that his ex-army buddy, Patrick, has rolled into town. He is standing over a sleeping Arlene, and she damn near jumps out of her skin when her eyes pop open, and she sees him there. Sitting up, she reaches her hand up to him and (THWAP!!) Terry slaps her arm down and says, “We’re all going to die. They’re coming for us.” OMG! … Who is “they?” We see a cryptic flashback of his time in combat, but it’s not as if we can really glean what happened from the snippet we are shown. Arlene, literally, slaps him out of it and is all like, “WTF?” Later on, Arlene goes to Patrick to try to get some answers, but of course, he doesn’t tell her anything. Terry shows up, and after they send Arlene on her merry way, Terry confesses that he knows where the guy Patrick is looking for is and they uh… go looking for him.

Meanwhile, Tara is ripping and tearing through Sookie’s house trashing shit. It’s any wonder that house is even still standing between Maryanne and Tara and all of the other evil that his swept through its doors.

“Grab her!” Sookie says to Lafayette when Tara stops for a moment, squatting on the sink like she’s Gollum, or something. Lafayette gives Sookie that, “Hooker, is you crazy?” look, but she convinces him to go for a bottle of True Blood in the cabinet so that they could um… lure Tara, like she’s a starving cat, to her food. Yea, that shit was never going to work. There must be a room left, that has not been totally wrecked, because after she attacks Lafayette, and slaps herself  few dozen times in her face, she zips off to trash Sook’s house some more.

Pam returns to Fangtasia to check in with Ginger, who is frazzled because she had to open alone. All Pam wants to know is if Ginger has heard from Eric. FLASHBACK TIME! This is the first time we are getting a glimpse of what Pam was like before she was made. Turns out, she was a madam at a brothel in San Francisco in 1905. Who is surprised? Looks like there is some Jack the Ripper type on the loose, taking out harlots and hos in the SF. Pam comes face to face with him one night, for some reason she is out walking the streets  alone. This is when Eric, in all of his delicious fineness, drops in to save the day.

After Nora helps Sam to her place, Marcus’s mom’s shows up to lay claim to her grandbaby, Emma, but Luna ain’t trying to hear none of that. “What if she is a werewolf?” Emma’s grandmother wants to know, “For all you know, she is a shifter,” Emma replies. Well, by the end of the episode, we find out that Emma is, indeed, a werewolf in the most adorable way possible.

Back at the house of terrors, (or Taras?) Tara has made her way upstairs, and Sook and Lafayette are just trying to figure out how to get her into Eric’s cubby; you know the one he built when he bought Sook’s house out from under her? Well, it is definitely coming in handy now. They devise a plan that involves Lafayette slicing open his arm and letting Tara feed from him so that Sookie can sneak up and wrap some thick ass silver chains around her. They then dump Tara into the cubby, thus saving her from being incinerated at sunrise. Tada!

Jason and Andy are on patrol when they come across Debbie’s truck, which is sure to set up the storyline about her being missing. Her tooth is still under the counter at Sook’s place, so I am sure that will tie in together at some point. Andy makes me, and Jason, proud when he turns over that vial of V he finds in Deb’s truck.

Sookie makes a trip to the Stake House to load up on (turns out, ineffectual) gear to keep Tara in check. It is then that we see that Reverend Newlin is making the talk show circuit, having figured out how to intermingle his faith in Jesus with his newfound status as a vampire. “You see, I’m a Christian first, and a Vampire second.” Later on we see him bust in on Jessica’s frat.. sorority? party and offer to buy Jason for $10,000. After toying with him, getting his fangs all nice and rock hard, she tells him that Jason is her friend and is not for sale. She then tires of that whole “life of the party” thing and threatens to eat her partygoers if they don’t get the fuck out.

Side Note: LOL @ Steve Newlin’s dancing:

Jessica is really embracing that trashy vamper look she has going on.

As Sookie is putting up the liquid silver misters she got from the Stake House, she overhears Lafayette’s loud ass thoughts as he is trying to talk himself into staking Tara. She manages to talk him out of it, of course.

Back at The Authority, Bill and Eric are questioned individually, and tortured when they don’t give their torturers the answers that they are looking for. During Bill’s interrogation, we are introduced to the original testament – the Vampire’s bible. This bible states that before God created Adam and Eve, he created Lilith, and like Lilith, God was vampire. Vampires were created in God’s image, not humans. The bible goes on to state Adam and Eve’s true purpose – to feed, er… “nourish” vampires. Bill’s torturer wants to know if he believes in the literal interpretation of the vampire bible – is he a fundamentalist? Bill says no, but either this sociopathic interrogator does not believe him, or he just wants to pump Bill’s veins full of refined silver. Eric’s interrogation isn’t going much better, but I have to say that the interrogators really stink at their job, in the end, they didn’t get anything out of them and none of their lies, nor torture methods, swayed them.

Oh, shit! Tara’s awake! And, she is never going to forgive Sookie or Lafayette for what they’ve done for to her. She then zips out the front door, getting hit with a spray of liquid silver in the process. She burns and screams before zipping off into the darkness.

The episode ends with Bill and Eric being brought before The Authority’s council of chancellors. I am pleased, delighted and THRILLED to see Doctore from Spartacus on the council! There is also this little kid there, which is interesting. The thought of a kid being turned 100s of years ago, and being stuck at that age is… depressing and intriguing at the same time. This is first time we are introduced to Roman, played by Christopher Meloni.

Sidebar: I am not going to lie. I just keep hoping that he has a nude scene at some point. Who hasn’t wanted to see Elliot Stabler naked? Come on! I know it’s not just me!

Roman goes through a ritual of feeding each of the council members a drop of his blood as he recites the following:

The Blood of Lilith, the first, the last, the eternal. We are born of Lilith, she who was created in God’s image.

The first, the last, the eternal. We swear fealty to the Blood and to the Progenitor.

The first, the last, the eternal. Lord and Lilith, Father and Mother, protect us as we protect you, from this day until the hour of the True Death…

And in Lord and Lilith’s name we say…Vampyr.

Oooo. I almost got chills! But… I am confused. It seems that these vampires believe the teachings of the original texts, of the original testament, but in order to mainstream, they cannot let the world know that they do. Is that it? They want to put humans at ease so that, ultimately, they can take over and finally have a Vampire’s utopia where humans only purpose is to be Vampire’s food??? I don’t know.

Anyway, after the ritual is complete, Roman goes on to list all of Eric and Bills fuck ups; in fact Nan Flanagan called them Fuck Up 1, and Fuck Up 2. Because that’s just how much the fucked up! Roman seems to really enjoy hearing himself talk and putting on a show for his audience. After threatening to stake Bill, because he is really really really MAD at him, he doesn’t, of course… He was just pounding his chest, figuratively speaking. A few of the chancellors at the meeting have a chance to speak and of course, Doctore votes for Bill and Eric to have their lives spared. He’s awesome everywhere! But, then the kid pipes up to say that he ain’t down for that because they killed an authority member. Someone needs a nap! Or, at least, a timeout!

In the end, Roman finally sentences the duo to the True Death, but Bill tells him something that changes everything! Dun dun DUN!!! Russell Edgington is still alive!! And, apparently, because they need Bill and Eric to help catch him, by playing bait, they change their mind about that whole True Deathing thing. I guess the BFFs knew that one day they would be captured by The Authority, and that they would need to use Russell as a get out of jail free card. Isn’t that the only thing that makes sense? This whole, “He deserves to suffer!” thing is just a bit weak. I guess they figured that concrete would hold him forever.

At the end, we get a shot of someone who vaguely resembles Russell healing up and it’s just gross. I don’t want to think about it.

Jason Stackhouse: During this episode, Jason gets attacked by a teenager whose mother he fucked. “Have you fucked every woman in town?” Andy wants to know. Jason thinks he almost has. But, who is keeping count? Later, Jason goes to Hoyt’s mother’s house to attempt to get Hoyt to see the light, because living with that crazy ass mother of his is just… well, crazy! Hoyt is hearing none of that and says fuck a lot, just because his mother hates it. As Jason is leaving, Maxine puts on a show of support for her son, yelling at Jason, asking how he could betray her son in such a way; at the door she thanks Jason for getting that “red-haired slut” out of Hoyt’s life. She’s gon’ bake him a pie! Speaking of pie… “That’s like eating the pie, without paying for the cow,” is his words of wisdom to Andy when he expresses concern over his witch-lady avoiding him. Damn I love that Jason Stackhouse.

So, that’s my True Blood recap for this week! Next week seems action packed and I can’t wait!

Ciao, and remember, if you like what you’ve read here, be sure to follow my blog and share it with your friends and family, and even people you don’t like! Just share!

Updated to add:

“Anyone who has been dead for three days knows where we are coming from,” Steve Newlin on intermingling faith with vampirism.

Related articles

• True Blood Season 5, Episode 1: Turn, Turn, Turn, Review and Recap (televisionseriesreviews.wordpress.com)
• ‘True Blood’ ‘Authority Always Wins’ Recap: The Vampire Authority, When Pam Met Eric (celebs.gather.com)
• True Blood – What Didn’t Kill You (televisionwithoutpity.com)
• The Best True Blood Season Premiere Review (costumesupercenter.com)
• ‘True Blood’ Recap: Tara Copes With Her New Vampire Status … Poorly (businessinsider.com)
• Review: ‘True Blood’ Season 5 Episode 2 – “Authority Always Wins” (grizzlybomb.com)

You mean THAT @$!%! killed Rosie??? The Killing Season 2 Finale Recap – Spoilers Within

I am not going to do a full review of The Killing, because as I stated before, I am pretty much over the entire franchise. If there is a season 3, perhaps I will watch, I don’t know. I’m a little torn because part of me feel that perhaps they have learned their lesson from what they did wrong in the first two seasons and, based upon that, they will be able to make changes. Another part of me feels as if I will never care about Holden(Holder/Linden) and it’s hard for me to follow a story about characters that I just don’t give a flip about. Perhaps I will just wait until season 3 wraps and watch it on Netflix. Who knows? I don’t actually plan that far into the future – ever, so why start now?

Anyway, this weeks episode starts off with us getting a glimpse into Rosie’s final day. We get a look at how happy the family was, on the surface. They also give us this sense of “nostalgia” in her knowing that she will be running away from home. Throughout the episode, we get inner cuts of what actually happened the day she died.

At the home of Jamie and Ted Wright, Darren Richmond is trying to figure out why Jamie has been lying to him, and Jamie’s grandfather is all too happy to put into Darren’s head that Jamie wasn’t really home the night of Rosie’s death. Jamie wheels Richmond away while unsuccessfully shushing his grandfather. He takes Darren back to campaign headquarters, when they really were due at the rally where Richmond would celebrate his victory. Yes, Richmond was elected mayor. Meanwhile, Holden and Gwen are frantically looking for both Richmond and Jamie, and they start to put things together more quickly than they have put together any two clues at any point in the 25 episodes that have aired previously. They figure out that Richmond is in trouble; because Jamie is dangerous.

Long story short, Holden + Gwen track the duo to campaign headquarters where Eric Ladin (Jamie) is trying his best to come across as psycho as he holds Darren at gunpoint. Perhaps I am projecting, but I can almost see him thinking, “I can’t believe this is how this story is playing out,” beneath the surface. But, I digress. During this time, we find out how Rosie was discovered at the Indian casino; holding a camera. For some reason she completely overreacts and starts screaming, at which point Jamie had to subdue her by grabbing her up and, “accidentally,” smashing her head against the ground.

This is why I say she overreacts – I guess that if a group of adults are meeting at the construction site of a hotel casino, in the middle of the night, it stands to reason that they are doing it not to be seen, but I almost felt as if she witnessed something much more traumatizing; like, a murder, perhaps? Also, she’s 16! She doesn’t know who the hell any of those people were or why they were there. For all she knew, they were talking about something to do with the construction site.It just felt like she went from, “I swear I didn’t see anything,” to bloodcurdling screams. I don’t know. I mean, I get the gist of what they were going for, but I just don’t think it played out well.  Eh, whatever. Ultimately, Holder has to put Jamie down to save them all.

The show then continues down the path of tying up loose ends here and there. I liked the part where Lt. Carlson congratulates Holden on a job well done – considering he did as little as humanly possible to help them and actually kicked them off the case and committed Linden to a mental hospital, I found that amusing. I still don’t know how they remained ON the case, but who cares at this point?

The Larsen family is working to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives, deciding to move into another home. Mitch never really has to answer for abandoning the family, imo. She pretty much was allowed to go away, cheat on her husband, and come back home with no consequences. Does that happen in real life?

The… uh, climax? of the finale occurs when Holden goes to inform the Larsens that they got Rosie’s killer. The Larsens aren’t home, however, only Aunt Terry. Holden tells her that they got the killer and they wanted to wait for the Larsens to return before they shared with her who it was. Terry says she has to go upstairs to finish packing, or something, but you can sense that she was about to have some kind of emotional breakdown. Then we see the broken tail light and, again, Holden (mostly Linden) puts together 2 and 2 at lightening speed and realize that Terry was actually there the night Rosie died. They go upstairs and find Terry in Rosie’s room, which is in the process of being packed up. They then show us what actually led to Rosie’s death.

Sidebar: Before I continue, here is the “conspiracy” – Jamie made a deal with Nicole and Ames to bury Indian bones on land they wanted to develop. In exchange for hefty donations, and the support of Nicole’s Indians (yea, she pretty much owns them like property at this point), Jamie was going to get Richmond to vote in favor of… something that would make Nicole happy. That’s why they had to meet under the cloak of darkness on the 10th floor of an Indian casino; to hash out those details. Yea, I’m fuzzy on the details, but really, I didn’t have the interest in  paying close attention.

The night Rosie was caught and thrown into the trunk of the Richmond campaign car, Terry and Ames was preparing to go to… Vegas, I believe. Jamie calls before that happens and they meet up at the lake that Rosie drowned in. Jamie and Ames begin arguing about what to do about Rosie. Jamie starts to say things that Terry likes, and was desperate to hear, specifically, “You can finally leave your wife and be with Terry.” Well, that’ all Terry has hear do to get herself into motion. She gets out of her car and walks over to the campaign car,  opens the door, puts the car into drive, and watches it as it rolls into the water. We can hear the girl screams from the trunk. Done. “See?? I solved the problem for both of yous.”

“I didn’t know it was Rosie!” Terry wails. Well, you knew it was SOMEBODY’S Rosie; and the irony is that it was YOUR Rosie, you self-serving bitch. Sorry. That was me trying to give a fuck. Literally, in that moment, I felt me forcing myself to have some kind of “emotion” about the revelation that Terry killed her own niece. “You mean… the ENTIRE time, when you were playing the ‘good aunt,’ and sister, and sister in law, (I MEAN YOU EVEN KISSED YOUR SISTER’S HUSBAND) you knew what had happened to Rosie?!?!!??? Because, YOU did it?!?! OVER SOME DICK PENIS? You are a crappy woman, missus!” But, in the end, after two years and 26 episodes, I just didn’t really care who killed Rosie Larsen. I would have cared at the end of season 1. I would have cared if I liked and/or empathized with the characters during season 2. But, I don’t care now and there is nothing I can do about it.

Bring on Breaking Bad!

To read an absolutely HILARIOUS take on The Killing’s Season finale, check out Jacob Clifton’s recap at Television Without Pity.

Thanks for reading. If you like what see, please follow my blog and share it with your friends and family and even people you might not even like!

Related articles

• The Killing – Any Old Orpheus (televisionwithoutpity.com)
• #TheKilling ‘What I Know’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Rosie Larsen’s Killer is Revealed (muhsadam.wordpress.com)
• ‘The Killing’ Finale: Rosie Larsen’s Killer Talks the Big Reveal (celebs.gather.com)
• The Killing Finale: So, Who Killed Rosie Larsen? (seattlepi.com)
• The Killing Season Finale Recap: Who Did Kill Rosie Larsen? (eonline.com)

Series Premiere – Love & Hip Hop Atlanta, Season 1 Episode 1: The ‘A’ List Review

BEWARE: Profanity below! Check out my review for Episode 2 of Love and Hip-Hop Atlanta.

First of all, I gotta say that the opening for this reality show has got to be the most dramatic I’ve ever seen. This should already tell us what we have in store for us for this season! I am from Atlanta, so it will be very interesting to see how my city plays out from this angle. We already have the Real Housewives of Atlanta, but Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta plays to a younger demographic.

Here is the cast (L-R): K Michelle, Karlie Redd, Rasheeda, Mimi Faust, Joseline, & Erica Dixon

We start out the series premiere with Mimi and her man, Stevie J. They have been together fifteen years, which means that she has likely been cheated on hundreds of times and probably has had to make a few trips to the clinic along the way. Is that mean? Anyway, they have a 2-year-old daughter named Eva and Mimi is just ready for Stevie to man up. So, Stevie has Mimi driving them way outside of Atlanta, to the suburbs where he has a surprise waiting for her. When they reach their destination, we see that it is a house, which is a gift to her. I’m a little confused though, are they moving into that house, together, or is he just giving it to her? Is he kicking her out of the place they currently live? At any rate, when people start giving you gifts as big as an entire house, you pretty much know that they done fucked up.

Mimi is not really feeling him moving her all the way out into the suburbs. From where it looks like they are, it is a good 30-45 minutes outside of Atlanta. Stevie is all like, “Look hoe, you better take this house and be glad I’m not tossing you into some glorified  apartment. You know how many bitches wish I was buying them a house right now? You ungrateful cunt!” Okay, he didn’t say any of that. That was just me reading in between the lines. He did make it clear that he still is not going to be around “like that” because he gotta get his money.

Next up is Erica. She’s a single mother and she has been dating the rapper Lil Scrappy on and off for about 10 years. They have a 6-year-old daughter named Imani. Lil Scrappy pops up on screen for 2 seconds to ignorantly proclaim some stuff about his affinity for the city of Atlanta, where he was born, and, apparently, will die. After his career took off, Lil Scrappy had a public affair with an Atlanta rapper named Diamond and it hurted Erica’s feelings.  Diamond dumped Lil Scrappy to get with something bigger and better (OK, I don’t know if he is better) Soulja Boy, and Scrappy went crawling back to Erica with his tail between his legs. And, of course, she took him back. She clearly has a high sense of self-worth. Lil Scrimpy takes a pause to think when Erica asks him if he thinks he would be with her if Diamond hadn’t cheated on him. He comes up with a response that wouldn’t get him cut, and kept it moving. He tells her that she needs to give him more affection. You cheated on her, just how affectionate should she be?

It’s time to meet the singer on the show, K. Michelle. She is in the studio shouting into the microphone – shouting is not singing; someone needs to tell these young singers that. She is a single mother, a pianist and she rocks out with her cock out. She recently got out of a bad relationship and that’s what this album is about. She’s recording a break-up song, and once she gets into the groove, she does sound considerably better. Later in the show, she meets with Rasheeda to express her displeasure with her ex-record label and to tell her about the bad relationship she ended up in with the man who signed her to the record deal. She said he gave her everything she thought she wanted until one day he flipped and beat her ass. He even stole the money that was reserved for her recording budget ($2 Million!)to buy himself flashy jewelry, and in the end, she had nothing to show for it; not even the album. Even though other people knew what was going on, they did nothing to help her. The nature of the beast. (I presume that she cannot mention this man’s name on the show, based upon how cryptic she was in that regard. Allegedly, the man in question is Memphitz. Memphitz is currently married to Toya. If he really is as violent as K Michelle claims, I hope Toya don’t ever feel that wrath.)

Mimi goes to visit her friend, Ariane, (somebody should have told her mother that does not spell “Erin”) to whine about about Stevie J giving her a big ass house in the suburbs. Ungrateful! I mean, so what if it is out in the boonies and it will be harder for you to roll up to the studio to see what skank he fucking? It’s a new house! Anyway, she and Ariane have known each other for about 7 or 8 years and she knows all of the ups and downs, ins and outs, of Mimi’s relationship with her man. Ariane reads the situation pretty quickly and is all like, “Is the dick THAT good?” OK, now we all know good well that what keeps her in the relationship is the money and status. These women kill me trying to act as if that has nothing to do with it and that they aren’t at least part golddigger. OWN WHO YOU ARE. Mimi says that she has never met a dick that made her do cartwheels – but she has met a paycheck! Ariane pretty much tells her that she accepts the behavior by staying with him. I concur! Side Note: Evelyn needs to take notes on how to cry on cue from these chicks. They make real tears and everything.

Looking like a po’ man’s Rihanna

Next, we travel to Kirkwood, which is in east Atlanta, to meet the show’s Latina flavor, Joseline (real name Shenellica, scroll down to see her mugshot). She gets a video ho vixen entrance before we see her little clip stating that she is a rapper, actress, and dancer. We got a triple threat y’all! She does have a nice ass (is it real?), but that weave is TRAGIC. So, she’s at Stevie J’s Studio, Block Studios. The first thing she does is show off her ass and he gives it a nice smack. Turns out, they’re fucking. Now, we already knew they were fucking, but I didn’t expect them to make it so obvious. I thought it would be one of those coy, “He’s just my producer/manager/everything, but we ain’t fucking,” kind of things. Nope. She puts that shit right on the table. I think I might actually respect that. Wait; scratch that. Did this bitch just say that Stevie fucks her brain? Yea… I take that respect thing back. She says that she wants Stevie forever. Good luck with that one.

Momma Dee

Lil Scrappy heads over to his mother’s house, Momma Dee. My impression one sentence into Momma Dee’s introduction:  She doesn’t seem quite as ghetto fabulous as say… a Frankie or Nancy. I mean, it looks like she would be able to spell psychotic if she had to. ::sighs:: I guess I should have waited to hear her speak before I placed her above Frankie and Nancy. Once she begins to express her displeasure about the people working on her home, it becomes clear that she is a lot more hood than she portrays herself in the “confessional.” At least she knows how to act as if she has some home training when she has to…  Although, that gives me shades of Tami Roman. Tami knows how to act cool, calm and collected when she wants people to think she has sense, but eventually, the truth betrays her and we see exactly who she really is. Wait, how did I get back to Basketball Wives?

Anyway, Momma Dee used to pimp and sell crack back in the day. She did what she had to, to take care of her family. Even if what she did hurt the community she was raising them in even more. Yup, that makes sense! Momma Dee gives her son some advice on his relationship with Erica. She says that Erica doesn’t know how to show affection because she didn’t have a mother to show it to her while she was growing up; because her mother was a crackhead. Mmm…. I wonder if she bought her crack from Momma Dee? Lil Scrimpy ignorantly proclaims – I mean, dude is stupid – that affection has nothing to do with your mama. What? They move on to talking about Diamond and Momma Dee is determined not to let her son beat her out in the ignorance department and states that Diamond didn’t need a record deal, she needed a Massengill deal; because, apparently, she knows what her pussy smells like – and it stinks! She says that Diamond almost made her come out of early retirement and that she needed to put her on the track to sell that ass; since her son paid for it. All of this because Diamond did to her son, what her son did to Erica. What goes around comes around; if you are so wise, where is THAT wisdom, Momma Dee?

Momma Dee has Erica over to her house to have a heart to heart sit down, and to tell her all of the things she is doing wrong in her relationship with her son. “You gotta show him affection, hoe!” Erica says that she does show him affection. I’m sorry, if someone publicly humiliates me by cheating with another woman, I’m not going to be feeling all lovey, dovey with them. How is that even a reasonable expectation? I guess she is supposed to fake it for his sake, so that HE will feel better; what about her? Erica tells Momma Dee that she steps out of line as a mother, and Momma Dee tells her she doesn’t know what she is talking about because her mom was a crackhead. Erica said that she still had a mother figure in her life, she was raised by her aunt. Momma Dee says that Erica’s mother did crack in front of Erica, and that she would never do that. Yes, Momma Dee, the pimp and drug dealer is a much more superior mother than Erica’s. People like her is why Erica’s mom was able to get her hands on crack in the first place. People can’t smoke what they can’t get. HELLO? For the record, Erica denies that her mother ever smoked crack in front of her. Momma Dee goes on to have some “vision” about Diamond and Lil Scrimpy and some other stuff that I can’t follow. The bitch is crazy, and Erica confirms it when she gets Momma Dee to confirm that she has been off her meds for five days. That explains everything.

So, Mimi’s slow ass invites her man to dinner to discuss whether or not he is interested in living in their home, out in the sticks, together. Stevie says he’ll come home “more.” Bitch, please. Let me tell you from experience, the only way that man is going to be coming home from that studio is if he needs you to take care of him in some way. I mean, it has to be something major. A serious illness, perhaps. Otherwise, you are doing good to get him once a week.  Mimi lays on him this super duper awesome idea – “How about you build a studio in the house?” Stevie J was ready for that one, though! He was quick to outline why it isn’t such a great idea, stating that you get a different “vibe” when you are at the studio, and being there stokes his creative fire. Besides, how is he going to have Joseline around giving him head lap dances and such if he is working from home? Naw, that one ain’t going to work. We need to keep this here separate. “So, that means what?” Mimi wants to know. Seriously? Like I said… Sloooooooow.

So, Stevie really isn’t all that great at this double life stuff. He invites Joseline to meet with an industry dude – Antonio Reid, LA Reid’s son; and, Karlie Redd, a singer and rapper from Trinidad. She has been wanting to work with Stevie J for a while. He wants to know if she is going for that Trini-sound. She says, no… she is going for that “R & B Swag,” whatever that is. Seriously, you should be able to define yourself just a little bit better than that. I do respect that she can just perform on the spot and is not shy about it. Joseline takes to Karlie immediately and suggests, after they show off their hot-bods, that they do a song together.

We know that with these “reality” shows, we always have to have at least one episode – usually the premiere – where someone has some kind of party where things pop off. Well, Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta is no different. The ladies get together for K. Michelle’s birthday party and K. Michelle is ready for them to dance off beat. OK, that off beat dance of hers was cute… those shoes with the blonde hair weave on them? Not so much. She looks great otherwise.

Karlie is thrilled, and shocked, to see Mimi when she walks in. They were close back when they both lived in LA, but lost touch over the years. Question: How is it that she didn’t know that Stevie J was Mimi’s man? I mean, fifteen years is a long time for Karlie NOT to know who her good friend was fucking.  I guess the above is why it doesn’t come across quite so genuine when Karlie, out of the blue, starts to talk about Joseline and how real she is and how she is “ride or die” for her man. “Her man is Stevie J,” she says. Of course, Mimi and Ariane jump in to say that he is not Joseline’s man because he’s Mimi’s man! Karlie tries hard to pull off that, “Oh shit!” look, but she doesn’t do it that well. She keeps insisting over and over again that Stevie J is Josaline’s man because she “seen” it with her own two eyes. So, of course Stevie rolls into the club with Josaline as they are discussing the issue and this whole thing is looking more and more contrived by the second. K. Michelle plays Kesha for a moment, and got ghost, with a couple of the other girls, when the duo arrives at her table. I mean, K Michelle just got her hair done and she is not looking to get any drinks thrown onto it. What I need to know is why Stevie asks Mimi to go over and talk to Josaline? I guess he thinks she is going to be able to squelch Mimi’s fear that the two of them are fucking. Mimi tells Joseline that she has been going through so much with Stevie, as if Joseline gives a fuck.

While I feel that Karlie was intentionally being messy, she is at least going up to Mimi and asking her if she needs to make a choice between her, and working with Stevie in the studio. Mimi says that she would never put her in that position. Ariane wants to know what led Karlie to believe that Joseline and Stevie were “together.” Side Note: Anyone else think that Joseline sounds… “slow,” when she speaks? Anyway, she threatens Karlie, stating that she is being asked questions that will “fuck her up” in the end. In response to that, Karlie goes on to call Joseline and Stevie J all the way out, letting Mimi know how they were acting at lunch and that she did see them kissing. So, I guess Karlie has decided that she won’t be working with Stevie, after all. He calls her a rat, in confessional, but I would call that being a good friend. I STILL don’t know how she didn’t know her so-called friend was in a relationship with Stevie J. But, this is “reality” TV, which means it’s the exact opposite of that. Mimi doesn’t want to hear his lame, weak denials, and Stevie and Joseline accuse Karlie of getting a kick out of the mess SHE started. Really? I think the mess started when y’all started fucking. Just a hunch!

Ariane tries to save her friend, but Mimi just sits there as if she doesn’t know how to get up. Eventually, she figures it out and they exit stage left. Stevie J jumps over the couch to chase after Mimi, and Joseline throws a drink at him to single him back and let him know that she is not happy. Like the mindless, “I think with my dick,” puppy that he is. He runs back to Joseline and escorts her out the club. He then decides he must not be looking like much of a man, so he throws a drink back at Joseline once they are outside, messing up her “forur” wrap. Someone needs to tell her that “fur” only has one syllable.

Joseline goes to sit in the car and Mimi is standing by as Stevie follows behind, getting into the backseat with Josaline. Mimi is all like, “Really?” Yes, bitch, REALLY! She stalks up to the car and throws the door open and Stevie was like, “It wasn’t me!” “I was looking for you!” Joseline just wishes that Mimi would go home and “deal with her emotion” so that she and Stevie can go to the studio, where she is going to make him a billion dollars. I guess in her language “making a billion dollars” means “choking on ones dick.” In the end, after unsuccessfully convincing Mimi to go with both he and Joseline (huh?), Stevie decides to ride off with Joseline, and that’s where the show ends.

Based on the previews, this season is going to be a hot ass, drama-filled, mess; and I can’t wait!

Thanks for reading my review! If you would like to see the full episode before the premiere on Monday, Miss Jia has it up.  Check it out on her site!

If you like what you see, be sure to follow my blog to keep up with all of my recaps, and share it with your friends!

Peace.

Update:

Did, I say my name was Joseline, Daddy? I meant Shenellica!

The above is a mugshot of someone named Shenellica. Looks like Jos has had a lot of work done. I don’t blame her for changing her name, though. “Shenellica” is tragic.

Related articles

• “Love & Hip-Hop: Atlanta” Cast Officially Revealed (therussparrmorningshow.com)
• ‘Love & Hip Hop Atlanta’ Cast And Premiere Date Revealed (crunktastical.net)
• Who Looked More Bangin’ At The Love And Hip-Hop Atlanta Premiere Party? (bossip.com)
• Love & Hip Hop Atlanta’s K Michelle values balance and Basketball Wives (examiner.com)
• Love & Hip Hop Premieres In ATL, B.G. Sentencing Date, Rare El-P Show In NY (allhiphop.com)
• EXCLUSIVE: Lil Scrappy Speaks on Film and TV Projects; Debuts on “Love & Hip Hop Atlanta” Tonight (allhiphop.com)
• Lil Scrappy, Cash Out Bring ATL Love To ‘RapFix Live’ (mtv.com)

The Killing Recap: The Difference Between Wright and Wrong

To read my “The Killing” Season 2 finale recap, and to find out who killed Rosie, click here.

I have been wanting to do a recap for The Killing for the last two episodes (I’ve only had this blog that long) and I just have not had the energy. This show just drains me in a way no source of entertainment should EVER drain you; especially if one is sitting on their ass the entire time. I mean, I thought recapping Game of Thrones would be scary, what with all of those characters and intricate storylines to follow, but even that feels like a walk in the park compared to trying to recap The Killing. Thankfully Starlee Kline over at Vulture.com sums it up for me in ways that I just don’t think  I could ever do; even if I had the energy to tackle it.

Season 1 of The Killing was superb – until we got to the end and realize we would have to wait over a year to figure out who killed Rosie. OK, fine, that’s a little disappointing but I think that I am somewhat patient, and if the show continued to be delivered in an interesting way, I can wait it out. Problem – the show ceased to be delivered in an interesting way. Instead it turned into Red Herring Central, and inevitably, anyone who looked like a suspect never really was one. Also, I hate every character on the show. I somewhat tolerate Holder, but he looks like a wet rat half of the time and he’s sort of a taller, lankier version of Breaking Bad‘s Slim Shady. If they would have at least made some of the characters likeable AND people that we could relate to, if they would have made them into people who we actually gave two shits about, I could have stomached it more. I feel an immense amount of empathy and sorrow for the neglected children on the show – Jack, Tod, and Rod. Rod… I’m kind of scared of him. I mean, in some alternate universe, where The Killing would actually survive for five+ seasons, I could see the final season being about capturing Rod the Serial killer. Even considering that, I feel bad for him, too.  But that is just flat out depressing. I get no entertainment out of it. Linden, the main protagonist, should be someone that people root for, but you can’t root for someone who neglects their child and is damn near oblivious to the fact that she does it. And, even this past episode she is blaming someone else for her having to send Jack to live with her father – whom she kept him from for years. I.Don’t.Like.Her!

Honestly, I fell asleep on The Killing Sunday night. I decided I needed a nap before watching Mad Men and True Blood (read my True Blood recap here!) and that I would just read Starlee Kline’s recap the next day. At this point, The Killing is literally That Show I’m Watching to See Who Dunnit. I have zero desire to see a season 3.

What that said, I present to you… Starlee Kline’s Review:

So remember that time in the magic hospital room when Jamie brought up his grandfather/father/uncle Ted Wright and we thought it was just a lame parable that he pulled out of thin air in order to get Richmond out of bed? And then remember how when Richmond brought up Ted Wright again, during his fake CNN-type interview, we thought, That’s weird. I guess the writers couldn’t come up with another sentence for him to say. When he brought him up again in last week’s episode, during the most important speech of his career, right before he dropped the mike onto the floor in an unintended moment of hilarity, we were so numb to the lazy maneuverings thrown to us by This Show that we didn’t even bother to formulate a rant against it in our minds.” Surely, though, that would be the last time we would hear about him, not that it was this close to the end. Out of all the dropped story lines there was no way that would be the one the show would bother returning to, especially since it wasn’t really a story line at all.

Right?

I’ll return back to that question at the end of this recap. À la Veena Sud.

We begin with Linden and Holder watching the news of Richmond’s announcement on the television in his office. The news camera helpfully lingers on Jamie and Gwen as Linden and Holder identify them as their new prime suspects, throwing me into a momentary spiral of uncertainty as I contemplate whether this makes the cameraman good or bad at his job. Suddenly they’re surrounded by cops but Linden has a plan. She’s going to use the doctored Richmond photo as leverage against Mayor Adams. It’s a solid enough strategy, which is why it’s confusing that she has only now thought to use it. It feels very similar to last week when she and Holder were like, “We need to get back into that casino. I guess maybe we could get a search warrant?” and then they just DID, making the whole Holder-gets-beat-to-a-bloody-pulp-while-Linden-gets-committed-to-an-insane-asylum plotline feel even sillier than it already had.

Continue Reading: The Killing Recap: The Difference Between Wright and Wrong.

True Blood Season 5, Episode 1: Turn, Turn, Turn, Review and Recap

Dare I state the obvious? The article below contain spoilers pertaining to Episode 1, Season 5 of True Blood.

The long wait is FINALLY over! Season 5 of True Blood is here! I know we have all been speculating on just what would happen with Tara after she got half of her head blown off in the season 4 finale. I was expecting some sort of Television Miracle, where she would be in a coma for 3 days and magically awaken and everything would go back to normal; and/OR, being shot in the head would have somehow fixed her bad attitude. However, I knew that would be far too tame for a show like True Blood. Nope, we aren’t going to kill her off; we aren’t going to put her into a deep coma; we aren’t going to pretend as if the bullet really only “grazed” the side of her head, and looked much worse than it was; nope, we aren’t going to do ANY of that. Instead, we are going to turn her into a vampire! What??!?! Po’ Tara. She just cannot catch a break, can she? The thing that she hates most in the world is now what she must become in order to live. Part of me feels as if this just may be the beginning of the end for Miss Tara Mae Thornton. Being an vampire may just make her more self-destructive. Can you imagine?  Turn, Turn, Turn!

But, I am way ahead of myself, aren’t I? Yup, I should start from the beginning!

The season 5 premiere of True Blood wraps up all of the cliffhangers from season 4’s finale, starting with Bill and Eric cleaning up the bloody globs of goo left behind after slaughtering Nan Flanagan and crew. Seriously, killing vampers is messy business!  In the midst of playing Merry Maids, both Bill and Eric sense the danger Sookie is in – you know, from a shotgun toting Debbie – but they fight their urge to go play Captain Save-a-ho.  As Eric, so bluntly, put it, “Fuck Sookie!” Perhaps proving that he is the one who truly loves Sookie the most, Bill is unable to resist running to her aid once Debbie pulls the trigger.  Unfortunately, The Authority has already caught up with them and he is shot with  a silver net thingy. Cheesy horror movie style, Eric runs right out the front door in an… attempt? to avoid capture. I mean, could he at least have tried to going out the back door? Or, was his intention to stay with his new BFF, Bill?

Meanwhile, Pam shows up at Sookie/Eric’s house looking for Eric. Taking in the scene before her, Debbie’s head blown to bits and a bloody Tara cradled in Sookie’s arms, Pam compliments them on their partying skillz. Then Lafayette begs Pam to turn Tara into a vampire. Sookie gave an halfhearted protest, pointing out that Tara probably would not be happy living as something she hates, but in the end, they both decide that what they wanted is more important than what Tara would want. Pam agrees to turn Tara if Sookie uses her “magic hands” or “super snatch” to repair her riff with Eric + “owe her one” in the future.

Can I just say that I love Jason Stackhouse? Who DOESN’T love that boy? This is the one time I can say that I understand being endeared by ignorance and stupidity because he ain’t got a lick of sense, common or otherwise, but I just love him to pieces. When we meet back up with him and Reverend Newlin, he is still naked at the door, smart enough to realize that he should not allow the good reverend to gaze into his eyes. Unfortunately, his intelligence doesn’t extend far enough to stop from easily being persuaded by Rev’s sob story about how he was turned by a wicked vampire who didn’t even teach him how to glamor! Can you believe that? Well, apparently, Jason does believe it and, before we know it, he’s inviting the reverend in to put duct tape on his mouth.

Best line of the episode so far? “

Fangs are basically like twin hard ons.” -Jason Stackhouse

At Merlotte’s, Sam is out back surrounded by a pack of wolf-like dogs, growling and baring their canines. Sam points out that it will be a tad difficult to communicate unless one of them shifts back to human form, so one of the bitches reveals herself. Turns out, they are looking for their pack master, Marcus, and they think that Sam killed him. Sam shifts into a little birdie-by and flies away to warn Luna that she needs to skip town. This does not sound like such a great idea to Luna  and she thinks that it’s best for Sam to be a rat, (I’m not sure if he’s “imprinted” on one of those yet) and tell them that he isn’t the one who killed Marcus, it was Alcide’s doing. Sam ain’t no snitch, and anyway, it’s too late because the bitch has already tracked him to Luna’s house. In order to protect Luna and Emma, Sam goes with her.

Back at Jason’s abode, Rev Newlin has his prey seated, and covered with a blanket. Considering his confession to Jason, that he wasn’t mad at him for screwing his wife – he was jealous that Jason wasn’t screwing him – I’m somewhat surprised that he didn’t just leave him uncovered and simply glamor his way into screwing him. I guess the good reverend is just a hopeless romantic and was holding out hope that Jason would want him on his own free will. “I am a gay vampire American and I love you Jason Stackhouse,” Reverend Newlin confesses. Jason lets him down gently, telling him he just can’t get it up for dudes. He was all rational about it and everything. Rational is not working for Newlin, however, and Jessica had to come play captain… captress? save-a-ho and do that whole, “He belongs to me!” thing that vampires like to do. Then they (Jason and Jessica) fuck.( I guess Jessica got over that whole self-generating hymen thing she got going on.)

Wait… Jessica is the Queen of Louisiana now?  Uh oh!

So, BFFs Bill and Eric are trapped in a trunk now. They work together to figure out a creative way to escape it, punching a hole in the gas tank and sparking a flame that blows the car up. Of course, you can’t actually kill Vampires THAT easily, and they all survive. Right before they were about to get the true death from the driver, he is stabbed with the wooden end of the umbrella they used to puncture the gas tank. Rewind – before we get to that part, Eric rushes to Bill’s side – see he’s a little bit more hurt than Eric- and Eric simply cannot leave Bill behind. I mean, Eric actually said, “I’m not leaving you here!” What? Were they not just fighting over Sookie a few hours ago? And, this is ERIC we are talking about here! I guess the effects of Marney’s spell is still lingering. Their savoir turns out to be Eric’s “sister,”Nora, a fellow vampire turned by Goddrick. I am glad they made that clear quickly, because I was disturbed or a half a second when the two began to make out.

Back at Sook’s Place, Lafayette is sitting at the kitchen table guzzling pills from a prescription pill bottle and Sookie is picking up bits and pieces of Debbie off the floor. Lafayette is all like, “Why don’t you just call the po po? You a white girl, claiming self defense. You all good, hooker!” Sookie explains that it wasn’t technically self defense because she had the choice to not blow Debbie’s brains out. She actually thought about it first and thought, “Yup, this cunt needs to die.”

Nora is a Chancellor with The Authority and she is taking Bill and Eric to a “safe” place where they can wait for their help and new identities to arrive.  A safe place, apparently, is a shipping container at some dock.

The next day, Sookie takes Lafayette back to his place to clean up Jesus. But, I guess Jesus’s ghost got to it first because when they return, he is not in the chair that Lafayette left him in. I mean, it’s a more logical explanation than the one Sook offered: “Maybe Eric or Bill took care of it.” As if Eric or Bill care that much about Lafayette. Puh-lease.

In the next scene two young men, I’ve never seen before, are dropped off at some roach motel looking place. And inside is a naked Andy Bellefleur , in bed with the witch Holly. Turns out, those boys are Holly’s sperm blossoms. Andy assures them that this “ain’t what it look like,” because he really cares about their mother. I think what it looks like, Andy, is that their mother just screwed some guy they don’t know on her son’s bed (…well it’s a sofa, but it’s his bed too!), ya know, instead of in HER bed. Now, that is just gross and the boys let Holly know just how they feel about that one!

At the Bellfleur Estate, or Mansion, or whatever, Terry and Arlene are entertaining Terry’s army buddy at breakfast. We all know how much being in the army, in combat, stressed Terry out and his nerves are just about shot. He’s moody and angry and pretty much acting like he’s having PMS. Arlene explains that they aren’t living in their own home because it had been set ablaze, which makes Army Buddy take pause. (seriously, what is his name?)

During a shower/bath Sookie has a flashback to when Tara saved her when they were kids. Nostalgia. When it’s Lafayette’s turn to bathe, he just gazes longingly at a razor. What is he going to do!?

Alcide drops by to warn Sookie that Russell Edgington is back. Has anyone figured out why in the world Bill and Eric allowed him to live? Sookie spies a tooth that she missed in cleaning up the remnants of Debbie and kicks it under the cabinet. I am thinking that will come back to haunt her in some capacity since she didn’t go back to toss it out. Or, it may not mean anything at all.

At Merlotte’s, Andy and Jason are having lunch and both wishing that Merlotte’s wasn’t the only place to eat at in the town. Hoyt is with a few of his friends glaring across the room at the Girlfriend Fucker aka Jason. A judge sidles up to Jason and Andy’s booth to tell him to make a ticket given to his son go away. See, apparently he was going 75 in a 25 but the ticket was BS because… well it’s BS because he’s the son of a judge. Only people without connections have to follow the law, we all know that. Andy assures Judge Clemon that he will take care of it for him, citing a faulty radar. Jason goes over to Hoyt’s booth to try to mend things with Hoyt, but he ain’t having none of that shit.

At Sook’s Place, Alcide is trying to convince Sookie to come stay with him – because somehow he can protect her from a 3000 year old vampire. Sookie is on the verge of confessing to Alcide that she wtfpwned Debbie with her own shotgun when Lafayette, now bald, runs into to stop her. “Hooker, you about to send both of us to prison!”

Lafayette ain’t scared of no werewolf. Not after dealing with vampires, maenads, and witches; not to mention being possessed by a ghost. “Chile please, you better go one somewhere with that growling. I ain’t scared of you!” And like a good puppy, Alcide backs down. Time for them to prepare for Tara’s awakening.

The werewolves have Sam tied up in some abandoned barn or warehouse. They are torturing him for information on where he buried Marcus’s body. This old woman shows up, who really looks like she could be Debbie’s irl mother, and wants to know if the torturing is effective. Someone should tell them that torturing isn’t always an effective device. She goes to see Sam for herself, and threatens Luna and Emma, and he squeals. See? Much more effective than torturing.

Back at the shipping container, Eric and Nora are shagging one another’s brains out. I just wish they would stop calling each other sister and brother, and siblings. It’s just skeevy! Bill warns that New Orleans is only 60 miles away, “They may hear you!”Alcide calls, interrupting their sexing, and informs Eric of Russell’s escape from his cemented confines.  We then see a scene of a man being dragged to his death, eaten by some unseen being on the other side of a steel door. I’m guessing it’s Russell, but who can be sure?

At Bill’s Place, Queen Jessica is hosting a keger… ok it’s not really a keger as much as it is just a bunch of sorority girls and college dudes getting drunk and playing Guitar Hero – or Rock Band – seriously, which one is it? I haven’t played Rock Band it ages… it let’s different. Hmmm. Anyway, Jason shows up thinking that Jessica must want to be BF/GF, since they fucked earlier, but nope. She just wanted an one off. Sorry Jason! Jason decides to stay for the party anyway, and after Jessica successfully ignores him, he invites one of the sorority girls to leave with him. But, really, he just wanted Jessica to think that he didn’t really care that she doesn’t care that he’s fucking some random chick. He opts to take the girl home and really just drop her off. Meaningless sex just can’t compare to sex with the vampire he loves.

Meanwhile back at Merlotte’s, Army Buddy Patrick corners Terry out back. He explains to him that all of their “crew,” from their tour in Iraq, houses are being targeted and burned to the ground. He is trying to figure out who is behind it. Terry explains to him, in a very blunt and matter of fact way, that there is no way his house fire is connected because their fire was started by this angry, yet super pretty, ghost named Mavis who turned out to be really nice. Patrick is calling BS on that one, but not because ghosts don’t exist but because he knows it has to do with that night in Iraq! This really makes Terry angry and he blows a gasket before Arlene comes out and drains him of all of his testosterone. Imagine what she can do with fangs! Patrick just wants to know what is going on because everyone from their… uh, “team” is like, being killed and it is a real bummer.

So, Sam leads the pack to their dead and buried pack leader and just before they are about to toss him into now vacant plot, Luna shows up, Alcide in tow. Turns out the old lady wolf, who got Sam to sing, is Marcus’s mother and she has to eat his innards. But, before she gets to that lovely feasts, Alcide confesses to killing their pack master.  Ok, NOW it’s down to chow down.

Well, it looks like Bill and Eric will be leaving Bon Temps forever. They have new identities and everything. Bill will be known as Marcelis Clark and Eric as Mike Applebaum. I like Bill Compton and Eric Northman considerably more. Oh look, more exploding vampires! Uh oh, looks like they are surrounded by an army of vampires, and this time they aren’t Nora’s decoys. Maybe that cell phone wasn’t untraceable after all, Eric – or Nora has a leak.

Sookie and Lafayette are at Tara’s “gravesite,” holding vigil to see if Tara’s vampirization takes. Sookie realizes that they haven’t eaten in a while, and Lafayette runs off to scavenge them up something to eat. Of course, we know that that means something is about to happen. An annoyed Pam emerges first and Sookie wants to know if it worked. “I don’t fucking know,” Pam says. Thanks, you are a help! Sookie panics and begins to unbury Tara, and when she is done she sees that she still isn’t breathing. Sookie starts to cry and Lafayette comes back outside and sees Sookie crying, so he starts to cry too. In the midst of their grief Tara pops out of the grave like a mole looking to be whacked, and Sookie screams for Lafayette. What the hell you think he’s going to do, hooker? Seriously, if Tara was mean as a human, what the fuck do they think she is going to be as a vampire?

Well, that’s it for this review! I cannot wait to see where this season takes us; there is SO much going on! I’m so happy to see Christopher Meloni as a part of the cast. I was mad at him for leaving Law & Order: SVU, but all is forgiven now. Especially if we get to see him semi-nude. It would really be all worth it then.

I hope that you enjoyed it. If you did, be sure to follow my blog and share with your family and friends!