True Blood, Season 5 Episode 3: Whatever I Am, You Made Me Review & Recap

True Blood: Whatever I Am, You Made Me

The beginning of  Episode 3 starts with visions of Tara wounds healing. The writers of the show have stated that the reason why Tara appeared to be so “feral” is because her brain had not fully healed. Hell, I just thought that her anger had magnified to such a degree that she had been rendered speechless. Sookie and Lafayette are as hot on her trail as two slow ass humans can be. Tara zips away from them and stumbles upon some potential prey – a young woman who is trying to change her tire. Try as she might, Tara just is not able to find it in her to take a bite of an innocent victim. Was it the cross hanging from the rearview mirror, or the reflection of herself that she saw in the window that changed her mind? Maybe it was a little bit of both. Either way, she apologizes to the girl and zips off. 

Back at The Authority, Salome and Roman are trying to decide what to do with Bill and Eric. Clearly, they do not want a vengeful Russell Edgington on the loose, but do they really need Bill and Eric to help capture him? Duh, of course they do! Bill and Eric will capture him, or die trying! However, it is not going to be THAT easy! First we need that chick from Big Love to fit them with training-bra-stakes that detonate remotely. There’s an app for that!

How did Steve Newlin become the new Nan Flanagen? Well, he is and it’s funny.

Sookie heads out to Fangtasia to solicit help from Pam, but Pam is busy power-tweeting, on the search for her maker. She doesn’t have time to deal with Sookie and her damn Tara drama. All Sookie wants her to do is summon the neophyte and she’ll be on her way, but Pam is just like, “Fuck all y’all!” and pushes Sookie away. This enrages Sookie just enough to use her faerie powers and zap Pam. That was a whole lot of useless drama. Moving on. Later, Sookie and Lafayette return to Sook’s place to clean up after Tazmanian Tara and continue to muse over what to do now that they’ve turned Tara. “We needs a plan, Hooker!”

At Merlottes, Tara has downed about a dozen True Bloods and is thirsty for more. Sam is trying to get her to tell him who turned her, but she doesn’t tell him. Of course, it doesn’t take him long to put two and two together when she begs him not to tell Sook and Lafayette that she’s there. When she passes out, Sam tucks here in the walk-in freezer for safe keeping.

Andy Bellefleur is a local sex symbol on account of his Witch’s kids putting up a picture of his bare naked behind on the Facebook. After chastising his coworkers for wasting time on porn sites, Debbie’s parents show up to discuss her going missing. Are they werewolves, too?

Jason runs into some woman at the super market, apparently she used to be his teacher and she screwed him when he was her pupil. My guestimation is that Jason would have been at least 14 at the time. Later in the episode we see him go over to her house and they sleep together again. After they are done sexing, Jason has an epiphany and realizes that his intimacy problems stems from this sick fuck of a teacher taking advantage of him at a young age. “You mean that’s why I’ve been with a V addict, an inbred werepanther and a teenage Vampire? ‘cause of you??” This storyline is particularly creepy/revolting after spending the last couple of weeks following the Jerry Sandusky trial.  ::shudders::

Arlene is still trying to get Terry to tell her what is going on with him and Patrick. Terry says he is a horrible liar, so he’s not going to lie to her. The conversation goes a little something like this:

Terry: “Me and Patrick are going somewhere.”

Arlene: “Where are you going.”

Terry: “Classified.”

Arlene: “What are you going to do there?”

Terry: “Classified.”

Arlene: “How long are you going to be gone?”

Terry: “Classified!”

Arlene: “Well, don’t expect me to be waiting for you when you get back!”

I really want them to hurry on up with this storyline. It feels like it is draaaaaaaaaagin’.

I don’t know nothing!

Lafayette and Sookie show up at this moment, looking to see if Tara had been to Merlottes, and feign concern for an emotionally distraught Arlene. Sookie goes to Sam’s office to ask him about Tara, and Sam does that thing people try to do around Sookie so that she cannot read their mind. Thinking in your head, “Don’t think about that giant secret I’m keeping,” doesn’t tend to work. Since the freezer was the only light-tight place that Sam could find, that’s where he stuck Tara. He done good. Now, all Lafayette and Sookie have to do is make sure that no one opens the door until the sun sets. That’s easy enough, right?

I like how the “Out of Order” sign has “DANGER” on it as well. What am I in danger from in the FREEZER?? I also like how Sookie just shows up randomly to work, whenever the mood hits her… or, when she’s not being hunted by a psycho vampire or a jealous werewolf. Lafayette is right though, trying to control Tara is like trying to keep a pet alligator in a bathtub.

Our next flashback to the early 1900’s reveals how Pam was ultimately turned. People have had mixed reactions about learning that Pam and Eric were once lovers and that Pam forced Eric to turn her, ultimately foisting herself onto him… You know, versus Eric choosing her because of her general, overall fabulousness. The trip back in time also reveals that Eric and Bill have known one another for a very long time. When they first met, Bill was but a testosterone-filled neophyte being led around by his sociopath of a maker, Lorraine. The duo was using Pam’s whorehouse as their very own human buffet. So, basically, Pam trades her goodies in exchange for Eric putting Lorraine/Bill in their place. I actually like the more human side of Pam and seeing a single bloody tear slide from her eye did pull at my heart strings a teeny bit! It’s tough being in love with someone you know you can never have. Awww, Pam!  Later on, we hear the lesson that Eric taught Pam on what it means to become a maker.  Abandoning a new vampire is akin to tossing a newborn baby into the gutter. I imagine this remembrance will lead to Pam taking her responsibility to Tara a little more seriously.

Debbie parents catch up to Alcide at work. They know that he and Debbie had a fight. It was more than a fight, however, because Alcide abjured her! “And, by the way, your daughter is a V addicted slut who likes to screw other werewolves!” Oh, and the parents are werewolves too because they start talking about werepack stuff and I zoned out. Sookie, girl, you better find that tooth hiding under your counter! They is coming fa ya!

Andy is going around, playing detective, and questioning folk about whether or not they’ve seen Debbie. Sookie isn’t really a good liar, but since Andy isn’t the greatest detective, it doesn’t really matter. “Now, your brother said that you said that Debbie was batshit crazy! What does that even mean?” Uh, that she was batshit crazy! (See: Michelle Bachmann) “I bet she wasn’t too keen on you and Alcide being friends like you are. Is you banging him on the side?” Meanwhile, Lafayette is in the background, ‘bout to catch the vapors. We’s fuxed. And our asses is going to jail.”

Earlier in the episode, Roman tasked Salome to “Find out everything” she can from Bill and Eric prior to releasing them. Well, apparently the best way to do that is by having vampire sex, so naturally, she has to screw them both. Before screwing Eric, Salome let’s him know that she knew that Nora was his sister, and that she is surprised that he didn’t even try to save her. As if he could have. Pfft!  What is fascinating to me is how poorly these Authority members manipulate Bill and Eric. They have not fallen for one damn thing that they have tried to pull on them. Did she think that Bill and Eric (BFFs fa life!) wouldn’t tell one another that they smashed her? Really? During Nora’s torture session, she reveals that she is, indeed, sanguinist and that she wishes Lilith would rise from the ashes to rip mainstreamers heads off. She longs for her to dance in their muck.  Geez, melodramatic much?

Jessica is at some “podunk” boutique, trying on cheap dresses when, what I presume is, a faerie walks in. She’s in the dressing room getting dressed when she smells him and gets all kinds of excited. “You smell awesome, what are you?” ::fang boner:: The faerie runs away from the boutique, jumps into his car, and drives to the middle of some field where Jessica, who is tracking him, is left to spin in circles as she inhales his yummy faerie essence! Aroused by this encounter, Jessica makes her way over to her fuck buddy’s house, Jason, but he’s all wallowing in his pity and isn’t up for getting it up. “I ain’t some mechanical bull you can come and ride on when you feel like it.” Jessica convinces him that she can just be his buddy, without the fuck, and that she wants to be there for him. Awww. I do love that Jessica. Oh, and if you ever wanted to know what faerie blood smells like, it apparently smells like cotton candy, fresh baked bread and sex. Wow.

WTF, Hoyt? Seriously? Guyliner? Seriously? FANGTASIA? SERIOUSLY?  I just can’t… That kid is a lost cause.

Back at Merlottes, Tara awakens to a red-headed Arlene amongst slabs of hanging red meat. That’s fitting because Tara rises up and bites the hell out of Arlene, draining her dry of every drop of blood! Haha, just kidding. It was all just a dream. When she really does wake up, Lafayette is handing her a True Blood, “Drank up, Hooker.”

Meanwhile, Alcide has cornered Sookie, telling her about how Debbie is missing and how worried he is. “You know how she back on that V. Bitch is batshit crazy!” Sookie tries to play it off, but seriously, who can keep lying to someone as fine as Alcide? I mean, it’s one thing lying to Andy, but Alcide? Later, Sookie confesses to Alcide that she killed Debbie, and he loses his ever-loving mind. Uh-oh! I hope he doesn’t tell! Who are we kidding? We know he loves him some Sookie. Once he calms down, it’ll be all about him protecting her again. Geez, you would think Sookie was a vampire and that she had fed Alcide some of HER blood. At least we know it’s real love and he ain’t after her for a taste of her faerie blood. Anyway, too bad they are in Lousiana, and not in Florida, because apparently you can chase a motherfucker down and shoot them all in the name of “Standing Your Ground” down there. So, she would have, like, been TOTALLY been in the clear. (And, NO, I am not talking about the George Zimmerman case, click the link. )

Rewind: Before any of that confession stuff happens, we hear Tara tossing Lafayette around, and a loud clang.

Arlene: “What in tarnation?”

::Sookie sees Tara exit the walk-in:: “Tara! What in the world are you doing in there, you silly thing?”

Tara: “You got to be shitting me.”

I know, right?

Salome gets her third dick in one night – I mean, ew – this time, from Roman. All he takes off is his top, however, and I am not happy! I WILL see some Christopher Meloni ass before this is all said and done! I DEMAND IT! ::shakes fist:: He did look nice and muscly though. Yummy!

Back at Merlottes, Arlene gets under Lafayette’s skin when she chastises him, in her passive aggressive way, about having his own cousin turned into a vampire. She rattles him so much that his witchdoctor-voodoo self pops out and adds a gallon of bleach to his gumbo. Eek! Thankfully, Lafayette catches himself and dumps the batch. “I’m losing my mind, Hooker!”

By the way, when are they going to tell us what the fuck happened to Jesus?

The episode ends with Tara breaking into a tanning salon and trying to kill herself by lying beneath the UV rays.

Pam senses her: “You stupid bitch.”

Well, that is my review for this week. It’s all kinds of late, but well… I can’t spend ALL of my time doing reviews. Especially not the way that I like to do them.

Please be sure to follow me on the Twitter, @DeAnnaMisrahi, and follow my blog to keep up with all  of my reviews! Ciao!

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True Blood, Season 5 Episode 2: Authority Always Win, Recap & Review

Authority Always Wins

“TARA! That is Sookie! You is killing her!” That is the first line of episode 2 of  True Blood. As you may recall, at the end of the season premiere, Tara pops out of the ground like a pop tart, attacks Sookie, pins her up against a tree, and bites her real good. Since Pam is just standing there with a smirk on her face, it is up to Lafayette to try and save Sook, but Tara just flings him away. Pam stands by, thoroughly amused by the scene playing out before her, but still does nothing. We are ALL amused, Pam! Eventually she does save Sookie and commands Tara not to bite Sookie and Lafayette before tossing her into the house. She tells Sook and Lafayette that they are on their own.

The Authority ends up being this super secret, hidden secret, underground secret, society (or perhaps government is a better word) where all of the Mega Vampires go to play; and, to devise plans to mainstream. Mainstreaming is like, very super duper important to these people and they mean to eliminate any obstacles that stand in the way of accomplishing that goal.

Anyway, Bill, Eric, and Nora are taken to a building that appears to be a giant warehouse, in the middle of nowhere. Inside, we meet Mega Vamp Salome. She’s none-too-pleased with Nora’s betrayal and pimp slaps her as she attempts to convince Salome that she really was not going behind her back to free Bill & Eric. Salome doesn’t buy it; I mean, even someone with below average intelligence (Jason, for instance) wouldn’t buy that one. Although the building looks like a warehouse above ground, underground it is a whole other world. Think the White House. They enter this official looking reception area and I get this sense of sci-fi, complete with guards that look vaguely like Storm Troopers – without the helmets. Still, there is a touch of history with an antique oil painting of Roman, The Authority’s… “president?” on the wall, and a stone tablet with ancient text behind the receptionist’s desk.

The trio is escorted to a holding area and they are deposited into separate cells. Perhaps that is a good thing. Eric and Nora may not have been able to resist one last shagging before meeting the True Death. One other prisoner is already there, and he looks as if he has been tortured into within an inch of his life. It appears that his body can no longer heal itself completely, and he is just this deformed mess.Yuck! It seems that he has a thing for eating newborn “succulent” babies. (Why they don’t just kill him, I’m not sure, but does it really matter?) Soon we learn how The Authority administers at least one form of torture when they turn on UV Lights to burn the hell out of their prisoners. As it turns out, they aren’t fond of being lied to and when Bill suggests that he was the mastermind behind their failed escape, and that they should let Eric and Nora go, it pisses them off. Sizzle and Burn, baby!

Elsewhere, reluctant Pack Master, Alcide looks on as his pack continues to devour the corpse of Marcus. Alcide isn’t hungry enough to feast on the guts and intestines of the werewolf he killed, and passes on the offer. Apparently, it’s disrespectful to turn down a helping of dead Were-innards, and before Alcide can leave, Marcus’s mother lets him know that, although her son wasn’t perfect, he deserves respect. Mothers are often so blind. When I said that Alcide is a “reluctant pack master,” I mean he has absolutely no intentions of leading the pack – at all. Marcus’s mom (I really don’t know her name) says what he wants is irrelevant to their laws. I have a feeling that before it’s all said and done, Alcide will be Pack Master.

Did you know that Terry Bellefleur has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Well, that shit has gotten 10x worse now that his ex-army buddy, Patrick, has rolled into town. He is standing over a sleeping Arlene, and she damn near jumps out of her skin when her eyes pop open, and she sees him there. Sitting up, she reaches her hand up to him and (THWAP!!) Terry slaps her arm down and says, “We’re all going to die. They’re coming for us.” OMG! … Who is “they?” We see a cryptic flashback of his time in combat, but it’s not as if we can really glean what happened from the snippet we are shown. Arlene, literally, slaps him out of it and is all like, “WTF?” Later on, Arlene goes to Patrick to try to get some answers, but of course, he doesn’t tell her anything. Terry shows up, and after they send Arlene on her merry way, Terry confesses that he knows where the guy Patrick is looking for is and they uh… go looking for him.

Meanwhile, Tara is ripping and tearing through Sookie’s house trashing shit. It’s any wonder that house is even still standing between Maryanne and Tara and all of the other evil that his swept through its doors.

“Grab her!” Sookie says to Lafayette when Tara stops for a moment, squatting on the sink like she’s Gollum, or something. Lafayette gives Sookie that, “Hooker, is you crazy?” look, but she convinces him to go for a bottle of True Blood in the cabinet so that they could um… lure Tara, like she’s a starving cat, to her food. Yea, that shit was never going to work. There must be a room left, that has not been totally wrecked, because after she attacks Lafayette, and slaps herself  few dozen times in her face, she zips off to trash Sook’s house some more.

Pam returns to Fangtasia to check in with Ginger, who is frazzled because she had to open alone. All Pam wants to know is if Ginger has heard from Eric. FLASHBACK TIME! This is the first time we are getting a glimpse of what Pam was like before she was made. Turns out, she was a madam at a brothel in San Francisco in 1905. Who is surprised? Looks like there is some Jack the Ripper type on the loose, taking out harlots and hos in the SF. Pam comes face to face with him one night, for some reason she is out walking the streets  alone. This is when Eric, in all of his delicious fineness, drops in to save the day.

After Nora helps Sam to her place, Marcus’s mom’s shows up to lay claim to her grandbaby, Emma, but Luna ain’t trying to hear none of that. “What if she is a werewolf?” Emma’s grandmother wants to know, “For all you know, she is a shifter,” Emma replies. Well, by the end of the episode, we find out that Emma is, indeed, a werewolf in the most adorable way possible.

Back at the house of terrors, (or Taras?) Tara has made her way upstairs, and Sook and Lafayette are just trying to figure out how to get her into Eric’s cubby; you know the one he built when he bought Sook’s house out from under her? Well, it is definitely coming in handy now. They devise a plan that involves Lafayette slicing open his arm and letting Tara feed from him so that Sookie can sneak up and wrap some thick ass silver chains around her. They then dump Tara into the cubby, thus saving her from being incinerated at sunrise. Tada!

Jason and Andy are on patrol when they come across Debbie’s truck, which is sure to set up the storyline about her being missing. Her tooth is still under the counter at Sook’s place, so I am sure that will tie in together at some point. Andy makes me, and Jason, proud when he turns over that vial of V he finds in Deb’s truck.

Sookie makes a trip to the Stake House to load up on (turns out, ineffectual) gear to keep Tara in check. It is then that we see that Reverend Newlin is making the talk show circuit, having figured out how to intermingle his faith in Jesus with his newfound status as a vampire. “You see, I’m a Christian first, and a Vampire second.” Later on we see him bust in on Jessica’s frat.. sorority? party and offer to buy Jason for $10,000. After toying with him, getting his fangs all nice and rock hard, she tells him that Jason is her friend and is not for sale. She then tires of that whole “life of the party” thing and threatens to eat her partygoers if they don’t get the fuck out.

Side Note: LOL @ Steve Newlin’s dancing:

Jessica is really embracing that trashy vamper look she has going on.

As Sookie is putting up the liquid silver misters she got from the Stake House, she overhears Lafayette’s loud ass thoughts as he is trying to talk himself into staking Tara. She manages to talk him out of it, of course.

Back at The Authority, Bill and Eric are questioned individually, and tortured when they don’t give their torturers the answers that they are looking for. During Bill’s interrogation, we are introduced to the original testament – the Vampire’s bible. This bible states that before God created Adam and Eve, he created Lilith, and like Lilith, God was vampire. Vampires were created in God’s image, not humans. The bible goes on to state Adam and Eve’s true purpose – to feed, er… “nourish” vampires. Bill’s torturer wants to know if he believes in the literal interpretation of the vampire bible – is he a fundamentalist? Bill says no, but either this sociopathic interrogator does not believe him, or he just wants to pump Bill’s veins full of refined silver. Eric’s interrogation isn’t going much better, but I have to say that the interrogators really stink at their job, in the end, they didn’t get anything out of them and none of their lies, nor torture methods, swayed them.

Oh, shit! Tara’s awake! And, she is never going to forgive Sookie or Lafayette for what they’ve done for to her. She then zips out the front door, getting hit with a spray of liquid silver in the process. She burns and screams before zipping off into the darkness.

The episode ends with Bill and Eric being brought before The Authority’s council of chancellors. I am pleased, delighted and THRILLED to see Doctore from Spartacus on the council! There is also this little kid there, which is interesting. The thought of a kid being turned 100s of years ago, and being stuck at that age is… depressing and intriguing at the same time. This is first time we are introduced to Roman, played by Christopher Meloni.

Sidebar: I am not going to lie. I just keep hoping that he has a nude scene at some point. Who hasn’t wanted to see Elliot Stabler naked? Come on! I know it’s not just me!

Roman goes through a ritual of feeding each of the council members a drop of his blood as he recites the following:

The Blood of Lilith, the first, the last, the eternal. We are born of Lilith, she who was created in God’s image.

The first, the last, the eternal. We swear fealty to the Blood and to the Progenitor.

The first, the last, the eternal. Lord and Lilith, Father and Mother, protect us as we protect you, from this day until the hour of the True Death…

And in Lord and Lilith’s name we say…Vampyr.

Oooo. I almost got chills! But… I am confused. It seems that these vampires believe the teachings of the original texts, of the original testament, but in order to mainstream, they cannot let the world know that they do. Is that it? They want to put humans at ease so that, ultimately, they can take over and finally have a Vampire’s utopia where humans only purpose is to be Vampire’s food??? I don’t know.

Anyway, after the ritual is complete, Roman goes on to list all of Eric and Bills fuck ups; in fact Nan Flanagan called them Fuck Up 1, and Fuck Up 2. Because that’s just how much the fucked up! Roman seems to really enjoy hearing himself talk and putting on a show for his audience. After threatening to stake Bill, because he is really really really MAD at him, he doesn’t, of course… He was just pounding his chest, figuratively speaking. A few of the chancellors at the meeting have a chance to speak and of course, Doctore votes for Bill and Eric to have their lives spared. He’s awesome everywhere! But, then the kid pipes up to say that he ain’t down for that because they killed an authority member. Someone needs a nap! Or, at least, a timeout!

In the end, Roman finally sentences the duo to the True Death, but Bill tells him something that changes everything! Dun dun DUN!!! Russell Edgington is still alive!! And, apparently, because they need Bill and Eric to help catch him, by playing bait, they change their mind about that whole True Deathing thing. I guess the BFFs knew that one day they would be captured by The Authority, and that they would need to use Russell as a get out of jail free card. Isn’t that the only thing that makes sense? This whole, “He deserves to suffer!” thing is just a bit weak. I guess they figured that concrete would hold him forever.

At the end, we get a shot of someone who vaguely resembles Russell healing up and it’s just gross. I don’t want to think about it.

Jason Stackhouse: During this episode, Jason gets attacked by a teenager whose mother he fucked. “Have you fucked every woman in town?” Andy wants to know. Jason thinks he almost has. But, who is keeping count? Later, Jason goes to Hoyt’s mother’s house to attempt to get Hoyt to see the light, because living with that crazy ass mother of his is just… well, crazy! Hoyt is hearing none of that and says fuck a lot, just because his mother hates it. As Jason is leaving, Maxine puts on a show of support for her son, yelling at Jason, asking how he could betray her son in such a way; at the door she thanks Jason for getting that “red-haired slut” out of Hoyt’s life. She’s gon’ bake him a pie! Speaking of pie… “That’s like eating the pie, without paying for the cow,” is his words of wisdom to Andy when he expresses concern over his witch-lady avoiding him. Damn I love that Jason Stackhouse.

So, that’s my True Blood recap for this week! Next week seems action packed and I can’t wait!

Ciao, and remember, if you like what you’ve read here, be sure to follow my blog and share it with your friends and family, and even people you don’t like! Just share!

Updated to add:

“Anyone who has been dead for three days knows where we are coming from,” Steve Newlin on intermingling faith with vampirism.

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True Blood Season 5, Episode 1: Turn, Turn, Turn, Review and Recap

Dare I state the obvious? The article below contain spoilers pertaining to Episode 1, Season 5 of True Blood.

The long wait is FINALLY over! Season 5 of True Blood is here! I know we have all been speculating on just what would happen with Tara after she got half of her head blown off in the season 4 finale. I was expecting some sort of Television Miracle, where she would be in a coma for 3 days and magically awaken and everything would go back to normal; and/OR, being shot in the head would have somehow fixed her bad attitude. However, I knew that would be far too tame for a show like True Blood. Nope, we aren’t going to kill her off; we aren’t going to put her into a deep coma; we aren’t going to pretend as if the bullet really only “grazed” the side of her head, and looked much worse than it was; nope, we aren’t going to do ANY of that. Instead, we are going to turn her into a vampire! What??!?! Po’ Tara. She just cannot catch a break, can she? The thing that she hates most in the world is now what she must become in order to live. Part of me feels as if this just may be the beginning of the end for Miss Tara Mae Thornton. Being an vampire may just make her more self-destructive. Can you imagine?  Turn, Turn, Turn!

But, I am way ahead of myself, aren’t I? Yup, I should start from the beginning!

The season 5 premiere of True Blood wraps up all of the cliffhangers from season 4’s finale, starting with Bill and Eric cleaning up the bloody globs of goo left behind after slaughtering Nan Flanagan and crew. Seriously, killing vampers is messy business!  In the midst of playing Merry Maids, both Bill and Eric sense the danger Sookie is in – you know, from a shotgun toting Debbie – but they fight their urge to go play Captain Save-a-ho.  As Eric, so bluntly, put it, “Fuck Sookie!” Perhaps proving that he is the one who truly loves Sookie the most, Bill is unable to resist running to her aid once Debbie pulls the trigger.  Unfortunately, The Authority has already caught up with them and he is shot with  a silver net thingy. Cheesy horror movie style, Eric runs right out the front door in an… attempt? to avoid capture. I mean, could he at least have tried to going out the back door? Or, was his intention to stay with his new BFF, Bill?

Meanwhile, Pam shows up at Sookie/Eric’s house looking for Eric. Taking in the scene before her, Debbie’s head blown to bits and a bloody Tara cradled in Sookie’s arms, Pam compliments them on their partying skillz. Then Lafayette begs Pam to turn Tara into a vampire. Sookie gave an halfhearted protest, pointing out that Tara probably would not be happy living as something she hates, but in the end, they both decide that what they wanted is more important than what Tara would want. Pam agrees to turn Tara if Sookie uses her “magic hands” or “super snatch” to repair her riff with Eric + “owe her one” in the future.

Can I just say that I love Jason Stackhouse? Who DOESN’T love that boy? This is the one time I can say that I understand being endeared by ignorance and stupidity because he ain’t got a lick of sense, common or otherwise, but I just love him to pieces. When we meet back up with him and Reverend Newlin, he is still naked at the door, smart enough to realize that he should not allow the good reverend to gaze into his eyes. Unfortunately, his intelligence doesn’t extend far enough to stop from easily being persuaded by Rev’s sob story about how he was turned by a wicked vampire who didn’t even teach him how to glamor! Can you believe that? Well, apparently, Jason does believe it and, before we know it, he’s inviting the reverend in to put duct tape on his mouth.

Best line of the episode so far? “

Fangs are basically like twin hard ons.” -Jason Stackhouse

At Merlotte’s, Sam is out back surrounded by a pack of wolf-like dogs, growling and baring their canines. Sam points out that it will be a tad difficult to communicate unless one of them shifts back to human form, so one of the bitches reveals herself. Turns out, they are looking for their pack master, Marcus, and they think that Sam killed him. Sam shifts into a little birdie-by and flies away to warn Luna that she needs to skip town. This does not sound like such a great idea to Luna  and she thinks that it’s best for Sam to be a rat, (I’m not sure if he’s “imprinted” on one of those yet) and tell them that he isn’t the one who killed Marcus, it was Alcide’s doing. Sam ain’t no snitch, and anyway, it’s too late because the bitch has already tracked him to Luna’s house. In order to protect Luna and Emma, Sam goes with her.

Back at Jason’s abode, Rev Newlin has his prey seated, and covered with a blanket. Considering his confession to Jason, that he wasn’t mad at him for screwing his wife – he was jealous that Jason wasn’t screwing him – I’m somewhat surprised that he didn’t just leave him uncovered and simply glamor his way into screwing him. I guess the good reverend is just a hopeless romantic and was holding out hope that Jason would want him on his own free will. “I am a gay vampire American and I love you Jason Stackhouse,” Reverend Newlin confesses. Jason lets him down gently, telling him he just can’t get it up for dudes. He was all rational about it and everything. Rational is not working for Newlin, however, and Jessica had to come play captain… captress? save-a-ho and do that whole, “He belongs to me!” thing that vampires like to do. Then they (Jason and Jessica) fuck.( I guess Jessica got over that whole self-generating hymen thing she got going on.)

Wait… Jessica is the Queen of Louisiana now?  Uh oh!

So, BFFs Bill and Eric are trapped in a trunk now. They work together to figure out a creative way to escape it, punching a hole in the gas tank and sparking a flame that blows the car up. Of course, you can’t actually kill Vampires THAT easily, and they all survive. Right before they were about to get the true death from the driver, he is stabbed with the wooden end of the umbrella they used to puncture the gas tank. Rewind – before we get to that part, Eric rushes to Bill’s side – see he’s a little bit more hurt than Eric- and Eric simply cannot leave Bill behind. I mean, Eric actually said, “I’m not leaving you here!” What? Were they not just fighting over Sookie a few hours ago? And, this is ERIC we are talking about here! I guess the effects of Marney’s spell is still lingering. Their savoir turns out to be Eric’s “sister,”Nora, a fellow vampire turned by Goddrick. I am glad they made that clear quickly, because I was disturbed or a half a second when the two began to make out.

Back at Sook’s Place, Lafayette is sitting at the kitchen table guzzling pills from a prescription pill bottle and Sookie is picking up bits and pieces of Debbie off the floor. Lafayette is all like, “Why don’t you just call the po po? You a white girl, claiming self defense. You all good, hooker!” Sookie explains that it wasn’t technically self defense because she had the choice to not blow Debbie’s brains out. She actually thought about it first and thought, “Yup, this cunt needs to die.”

Nora is a Chancellor with The Authority and she is taking Bill and Eric to a “safe” place where they can wait for their help and new identities to arrive.  A safe place, apparently, is a shipping container at some dock.

The next day, Sookie takes Lafayette back to his place to clean up Jesus. But, I guess Jesus’s ghost got to it first because when they return, he is not in the chair that Lafayette left him in. I mean, it’s a more logical explanation than the one Sook offered: “Maybe Eric or Bill took care of it.” As if Eric or Bill care that much about Lafayette. Puh-lease.

In the next scene two young men, I’ve never seen before, are dropped off at some roach motel looking place. And inside is a naked Andy Bellefleur , in bed with the witch Holly. Turns out, those boys are Holly’s sperm blossoms. Andy assures them that this “ain’t what it look like,” because he really cares about their mother. I think what it looks like, Andy, is that their mother just screwed some guy they don’t know on her son’s bed (…well it’s a sofa, but it’s his bed too!), ya know, instead of in HER bed. Now, that is just gross and the boys let Holly know just how they feel about that one!

At the Bellfleur Estate, or Mansion, or whatever, Terry and Arlene are entertaining Terry’s army buddy at breakfast. We all know how much being in the army, in combat, stressed Terry out and his nerves are just about shot. He’s moody and angry and pretty much acting like he’s having PMS. Arlene explains that they aren’t living in their own home because it had been set ablaze, which makes Army Buddy take pause. (seriously, what is his name?)

During a shower/bath Sookie has a flashback to when Tara saved her when they were kids. Nostalgia. When it’s Lafayette’s turn to bathe, he just gazes longingly at a razor. What is he going to do!?

Alcide drops by to warn Sookie that Russell Edgington is back. Has anyone figured out why in the world Bill and Eric allowed him to live? Sookie spies a tooth that she missed in cleaning up the remnants of Debbie and kicks it under the cabinet. I am thinking that will come back to haunt her in some capacity since she didn’t go back to toss it out. Or, it may not mean anything at all.

At Merlotte’s, Andy and Jason are having lunch and both wishing that Merlotte’s wasn’t the only place to eat at in the town. Hoyt is with a few of his friends glaring across the room at the Girlfriend Fucker aka Jason. A judge sidles up to Jason and Andy’s booth to tell him to make a ticket given to his son go away. See, apparently he was going 75 in a 25 but the ticket was BS because… well it’s BS because he’s the son of a judge. Only people without connections have to follow the law, we all know that. Andy assures Judge Clemon that he will take care of it for him, citing a faulty radar. Jason goes over to Hoyt’s booth to try to mend things with Hoyt, but he ain’t having none of that shit.

At Sook’s Place, Alcide is trying to convince Sookie to come stay with him – because somehow he can protect her from a 3000 year old vampire. Sookie is on the verge of confessing to Alcide that she wtfpwned Debbie with her own shotgun when Lafayette, now bald, runs into to stop her. “Hooker, you about to send both of us to prison!”

Lafayette ain’t scared of no werewolf. Not after dealing with vampires, maenads, and witches; not to mention being possessed by a ghost. “Chile please, you better go one somewhere with that growling. I ain’t scared of you!” And like a good puppy, Alcide backs down. Time for them to prepare for Tara’s awakening.

The werewolves have Sam tied up in some abandoned barn or warehouse. They are torturing him for information on where he buried Marcus’s body. This old woman shows up, who really looks like she could be Debbie’s irl mother, and wants to know if the torturing is effective. Someone should tell them that torturing isn’t always an effective device. She goes to see Sam for herself, and threatens Luna and Emma, and he squeals. See? Much more effective than torturing.

Back at the shipping container, Eric and Nora are shagging one another’s brains out. I just wish they would stop calling each other sister and brother, and siblings. It’s just skeevy! Bill warns that New Orleans is only 60 miles away, “They may hear you!”Alcide calls, interrupting their sexing, and informs Eric of Russell’s escape from his cemented confines.  We then see a scene of a man being dragged to his death, eaten by some unseen being on the other side of a steel door. I’m guessing it’s Russell, but who can be sure?

At Bill’s Place, Queen Jessica is hosting a keger… ok it’s not really a keger as much as it is just a bunch of sorority girls and college dudes getting drunk and playing Guitar Hero – or Rock Band – seriously, which one is it? I haven’t played Rock Band it ages… it let’s different. Hmmm. Anyway, Jason shows up thinking that Jessica must want to be BF/GF, since they fucked earlier, but nope. She just wanted an one off. Sorry Jason! Jason decides to stay for the party anyway, and after Jessica successfully ignores him, he invites one of the sorority girls to leave with him. But, really, he just wanted Jessica to think that he didn’t really care that she doesn’t care that he’s fucking some random chick. He opts to take the girl home and really just drop her off. Meaningless sex just can’t compare to sex with the vampire he loves.

Meanwhile back at Merlotte’s, Army Buddy Patrick corners Terry out back. He explains to him that all of their “crew,” from their tour in Iraq, houses are being targeted and burned to the ground. He is trying to figure out who is behind it. Terry explains to him, in a very blunt and matter of fact way, that there is no way his house fire is connected because their fire was started by this angry, yet super pretty, ghost named Mavis who turned out to be really nice. Patrick is calling BS on that one, but not because ghosts don’t exist but because he knows it has to do with that night in Iraq! This really makes Terry angry and he blows a gasket before Arlene comes out and drains him of all of his testosterone. Imagine what she can do with fangs! Patrick just wants to know what is going on because everyone from their… uh, “team” is like, being killed and it is a real bummer.

So, Sam leads the pack to their dead and buried pack leader and just before they are about to toss him into now vacant plot, Luna shows up, Alcide in tow. Turns out the old lady wolf, who got Sam to sing, is Marcus’s mother and she has to eat his innards. But, before she gets to that lovely feasts, Alcide confesses to killing their pack master.  Ok, NOW it’s down to chow down.

Well, it looks like Bill and Eric will be leaving Bon Temps forever. They have new identities and everything. Bill will be known as Marcelis Clark and Eric as Mike Applebaum. I like Bill Compton and Eric Northman considerably more. Oh look, more exploding vampires! Uh oh, looks like they are surrounded by an army of vampires, and this time they aren’t Nora’s decoys. Maybe that cell phone wasn’t untraceable after all, Eric – or Nora has a leak.

Sookie and Lafayette are at Tara’s “gravesite,” holding vigil to see if Tara’s vampirization takes. Sookie realizes that they haven’t eaten in a while, and Lafayette runs off to scavenge them up something to eat. Of course, we know that that means something is about to happen. An annoyed Pam emerges first and Sookie wants to know if it worked. “I don’t fucking know,” Pam says. Thanks, you are a help! Sookie panics and begins to unbury Tara, and when she is done she sees that she still isn’t breathing. Sookie starts to cry and Lafayette comes back outside and sees Sookie crying, so he starts to cry too. In the midst of their grief Tara pops out of the grave like a mole looking to be whacked, and Sookie screams for Lafayette. What the hell you think he’s going to do, hooker? Seriously, if Tara was mean as a human, what the fuck do they think she is going to be as a vampire?

Well, that’s it for this review! I cannot wait to see where this season takes us; there is SO much going on! I’m so happy to see Christopher Meloni as a part of the cast. I was mad at him for leaving Law & Order: SVU, but all is forgiven now. Especially if we get to see him semi-nude. It would really be all worth it then.

I hope that you enjoyed it. If you did, be sure to follow my blog and share with your family and friends!